Quickie

Grand Hyatt? Your hotel rooms cost over $200 per night. And now I have to pay $9.95 to use your shitty internet connection? That's just rude, and unnecessary.
And lugging around my15 pound, non-WIFI capable, geriatric laptop all day yesterday has really hammered home the point that I really do need to get a new computer. This girl has served me well, but she's tired, and can no longer do...anything.

My room is on the 26th floor, and for some reason it reeks of cigarette smoke today. Apparently some new guests can't go down the elevator to smoke outside, so they are smoking in the emergency stairwell next to my room. Le Awesome.

But really, is there anything better than sitting naked in a hotel room overlooking the entire SF Bay, dicking around on the computer? (Well, is there anything better when your man or lady companion isn't available. )

Going home tomorrow. So looking forward to some snuggles.

Lowering expectations

I guess once a week is about as often as I can get my shit together enough to write here. I am the suck.

Mrs. Sparkles is officially a member of the family. Last week, she was standing at the back door, looking sad as per usual. Warren walked over, opened the screen door, let Mrs. Sparkles in and shut the door behind her. So, now that she's in, I guess she's staying. I kind of love her though. And she lets Warren pet and talk to her. And that's fun.

This weekend wasn't really a weekend at all. Friday afternoon and evening were spent running errands and shopping for groceries and birthday gifts. Saturday we had the family party for my brother's birthday (hence the gifts), so we spent the morning cleaning, the afternoon was spent hauling supplies for a trade show on Sunday, then the party started and we were running until bed.

Sunday I had to be up by 6 am to get ready for the trade show. And I was there until after 6 pm. Xtian was making dinner when I got home, which meant there was food, but the kitchen was trashed. Just obliterated. So that was stressful and took more work. But he's trying, and we have to give credit.

I finally got to bed and almost cried when I realized I had to go to work when I woke up. I need an actual weekend. Annoying.

Quickly before I turn in

Work was really busy this week. I spent all week running full speed ahead. Which made the week go fast, but also made me wonder: what did I get done?

On the plus side, it's almost the weekend. So, there's that.

Warren still calls cell phones "mama", and now all ipods are "baba". Still no name for me. But he does give me kisses. Without having to ask for them. So, I win that contest.

I'm wrecked, but I couldn't let another day go by without posting. Time to finish my wine and go to bed. I'm an old lady.

PS. One final note: putting dried parsley in anything, makes it smell like old people's homes. Soupy and awkward. Yuck.

How to snitch

So, I think I mentioned that I've been trying desperately to deal with my insurance situation. I know, there is nothing more boring than insurance, especially someone ELSE'S insurance. But whatever.

So, all insurance in Oakland is super expensive. That's just another perk of living in a crime-ridden city. So, once we moved, I was all too happy to get my information updated with my insurance dude. We'll call him Romy. Because that is his name. Anyhow, Romy is mostly unreachable in the best circumstances. Which hasn't mattered much to me, as I've not needed his services. Except, I knew my rates would go WAY down after moving, so I was a little anxious to stop spending $330 a month on two auto policies and a tiny little renter's policy. But, after a few weeks, still nothing back from the guy. So, I kept calling and emailing and never hearing back.

Then I ran into the nicest lady at a Rainbow Chamber meeting. And by golly, she sells insurance. I told him my story and how much we're paying and bada bing, we now have better coverage for $120 less per month. Hurray!
So, I just got off the phone after calling my agent to cancel. (Funny, he didn't answer his phone. I feel shocked). Since I fear I'll never hear from him (as has been the norm around here) I did a little digging, and I ratted his ass out to the company and his boss explicitly. I know, it's petty and mean. But it's been two months since I spoke to him, all the time continuing to overpay my insurance by $120 per month. Way I see it, this asshole owes me $240. Sound about right? I know I'll never get it back, but a little Tattle-Tale phone calling really makes it easier to swallow.

And that is my life. Huzzah.

Yeah, I have no idea.

Warren is completely smitten with the cats. He loves everything they do. And they're being pretty patient with him. When they are done with his affection, they usually just run away. The worst I've seen since the Scratching Incident of 2008, is a no claws swat on the arm. Which freaks Warren out and hurts his feelings, but doesn't leave a bloody trail, so we let it slide.

When Jen was in town this weekend we spent a few hours wandering around MidTown Sacramento. *sigh* That is the neighborhood in which I belong. Not this culturally dead garbage pail of a suburb. There's nothing inherently wrong with suburbs, to be sure. But this one is horrible. The people are ignorant and really socially conservative, the only restaurants around here are of the drivethru and corporate whore variety, and walking anywhere? Not likely. Everything is 10 meandering miles away, on surface streets. With a stoplight at every corner, so walking would almost be faster if it weren't for the ridiculous distance.

But wandering around the area where I want to be was so nice. There were, perish the thought, locally owned stores! Markets and coffeeshops without the title "Safeway" and "Starbucks". I mean those were available as well, but not the only options! In a 8 block radius were at least 5 local restaurants, a handful of local bars and clubs and a bunch of fun weird shops to play in. October, baby. October.

Warren has begun scowling. He pokes out his lips, and furrows his brow and snorts through his nose. I should be concerned that my 1 year old child has enough attitude to scowl, but it's just too funny. So, he makes the face when we aren't letting him do what he wants, but the face is so funny we just collapse in laughter. I don't think that's quite the parenting message we want to be sending, but whatevs.

And thus concludes this edition of "Coley's Asinine Existence!"

Useless update number...?

You know what sucks about writing? The less you write, the less you feel you have to write about. So, in an effort to get back into writing for fun, I'm going to make a concerted effort to write every day, even if it's total garbage. And you get the "benefit," fun.

I'm officially obsessed with Kanye West's new album and have been listening to it on a loop since Christmas. I know, it's very 80's, but the man can make a compelling song.

See, now today at work, I felt like I was a total kickass go-getter. I think I'm just adjusting to an achievement based workplace after my last gig which was more of a "we don't care what you do, just fill that chair 8 hours a day!" kind of thing. So, today was good, and I hope this will continue. I got a little break from evening work commitments over the holidays, but they'll be back in full swing next week. Which is good, since I'll be doing some interesting things and working with some really neat people in the Sacramento business community. Which can only help my career overall.

I've been dicking around with our finances and I think I finally have us to the place where if I can get my insurance agent to call me back and do what he says he's going to do(I called that douche the week after we moved to get my information updated since Oakland is the second most expensive place for insurance and my rates are going to go WAY down. But after several phonecalls and emails, still no updated paperwork. Way to earn that commission, asshole!), we'll be able to exist solely on my income without incurring any more debt. We won't be getting ahead, certainly, but at least I can take the pressure off Xtian. Poor guy. So much of his identity is wrapped up in working hard, and when we're struggling, it really makes him feel horrible. And I don't want him forced into a terrible job. I want him to be able to relax a little and find something he'll enjoy and will work for our family. But if we're panicked over money, he'll have to take the first thing offered.

Anyhow, that's my boring ass life now. Fun, eh?

Well, that's one thing taken care of.

After a panicked email message to HR (the subject line was, no joke, "ACK!!!!") I think my little payroll issue should be taken care of. And better yet, since I have all the errors in writing, they'll be refunding my over-donated funds on my next paycheck. Not so helpful now, but at least the paycheck right before Xmas will be nice. It's not like donating $500 to PP is a bad thing, but like all at once is a bit much for someone with my limited budget. Hahah.


So, yeah. That's a good thing. This right here is why it's useful to be friendly with the folks in HR. Meanwhile, I officially have life insurance. That's right folks, I'm worth significantly more dead than I am alive. So, let's all stop for a moment and thank the lord jebus that my policy is negated should the person who collects (Xtian) actually murder me. Sometimes I think that's the only thing keeping him from choking me in the night. Mostly because I'm completely insufferable sometimes.

Ok, not really the ONLY thing, but just kind of weird and morbid shit going round in my brain these days. That and weird dreams about Xtian's mother finding us.
We never told her we moved. She stalked Cory on Myspace and found out HE had moved, but didn't know anything about the rest of us. Xtian's just been avoiding calls, and that's just fine with me. But then I have nightmares where she just shows up! And stays a while, and Xtian won't tell her to leave so I have to do it. But she's crazy so it doesn't work. These are the fears that haunt my nights. I guess I'm doing just fine if that's the only creeping me out in the wee hours.

Warren continues to be the cutest baby in the world. It's not just how damned pretty he is, (though he is pretty danged beautiful) it's the huge smiles, the gleeful giggles and his devious nature. He's so clever and finds ways to get what he wants. Like, say, the remote control. He LOVES remotes, really anything with buttons. He has a few remote-type things that are his to play with, but he still wants MAMA's remote. So, I usually have to take it away from him, then put it on the back of the couch where he can't reach it. He doesn't throw fits. He just wanders off until you've kind of forgotten about it. A few minutes later he'll come walking up to you, put his head in your lap and hug your legs, like he's sad and needs a cuddle. So, you pick him up and he snuggles for a second, before reaching behind you to get his remote. SNEAKY! But also, really smart and good problem solving skills.
When my key hits the lock as I'm coming home from work, he shrieks with delight and comes walking, like a drunken midget, up to the door to greet me. Makes me want to have about 17 children, if they all turn out as good and cute and sweet as he is.

Ok, I'm done gushing about my kid. Now I'm going to actually go play with him.

Long time, no write.

So, I suck and never write anymore. Three night meetings a week is definitely taking their toll. And even when I have the time, I'm having way too much fun with Warren to stop and write.
Have I mentioned that he's a walking guy now? He went from not really crawling at 10 months, to being an expert walker at 11 months. He's amazing.

In just two weeks he'll be one year old. So, clearly the big party is planned. I really hope to get some pictures of it on here faster than I've been doing things lately. My dad is working on getting the Warren Walking videos online for us, but he's even slower than I am.

Still no jobs for the boys and it's getting a little tight, especially when my work keeps screwing up my paychecks. We have the option of donating money to some specific non-profits through a simple payroll deduction. I opted to donate $26.00 every paycheck to Planned Parenthood. So, the first check shows up and I notice that instead, $260.00 is being deducted. Fuck. So, that money was gone, I immediately notified payroll in person and in writing that this was a mistake. I was assured it was dealt with. But then, sure enough the next paycheck did the SAME GODDAMN THING! So, I'm now out $500, with no way to fix it. Pretty sure it's in bad taste to ask for your money back from a charity donation.

But otherwise it's all good. Huzzah.

Last day

Today is my last day in this Viper's nest and I couldn't be happier. Well, I suppose when I'm officially out the door, THEN I'll be the happiest girl on the planet.
For your reading pleasure, enjoy the text of my exit interview. :
~~~

Name: Coley

Position: Marketing Coordinator Teller # n/a

Supervisor: (fired) N/A

Hire Date: 6/1/06 Termination Date: 10/16/08

What made you decide to leave your current job with COMPANY? (Check all that apply)


What did you like most about your job?

My supervisor.

What did you like least about your job?

The lack of challenge in the work, and the negative tone of the corporate culture.

Do you feel training opportunities were made available to you?

Yes and no. Training was available, and often mandatory, but usually on topics/skills that my position doesn’t utilize. I guess, a lot of what I was trained on didn’t have any impact on my job function.

Do you think your supervisor was fair and reasonable? Why?

Certainly. I was one of the few lucky people at COMPANY whose supervisor went to bat for me and also helped me grow professionally. Criticism was always constructive, never demeaning.

Do you believe you were given access to and realistic consideration for promotional opportunities at COMPANY?

No. There’s not really anywhere for my position to go. And once the Marketing Director left, it was made apparent that I would not be considered for the position.

Do you feel your contributions were appreciated by your supervisor and others?

Supervisor and my direct department: certainly.
Others: not so much. I often felt undervalued, or worse, that others were actually rooting for my failure. I’ve never worked in a position wherein other employees actually delight in others’ mistakes, and that’s a big part of the culture at COMPANY.

Did you have the appropriate equipment and resources necessary to perform your job?

Eventually, yes. Although it was always a struggle and fight to get what I needed. For example, it took over a month to get me the design software required to do my job.
And when more electronic storage space was needed, I had to purchase an external hard drive, since MIS could not, or would not, help. And after I finally took matters into my own hands, there were several weeks worth of grief over the purchase.

Was your salary satisfactory for the job you were performing?
A little low, to be perfectly honest. And there wasn’t a clear way to petition for a raise, since performance reviews were rarely done. A yearly cost of living increase is not sufficient.

Were you satisfied with the employee benefits provided?

The benefits were fine, though I would have liked for the Annuity plan to be offered at the start. I was not aware of that option until many months later.

Was the physical working environment comfortable and conducive to productivity?

Generally fine.

Do you have suggestions for improvement?

Workplace morale is just awful. From my experience, there is no teamwork, only antagonism and negativity. I’m disappointed at the way conflict is handled, especially once a VP is involved. Whoever complains the loudest is appeased, regardless of the situation.
I mentioned above the glee other employees show when they find a mistake someone else has made, and how much that hurts the camaraderie. This is behavior that should be discouraged by management, not condoned and in fact modeled by those in leadership positions.
Supervisors and VPs do not stand up for their own employees, and rather tend to use them as scapegoats when something goes wrong. A good manager is one who encourages excellence in their employees, providing opportunities for growth, while also taking responsibility for their department’s mistakes.
Individual departments are not allowed to self-govern and other employees feel entitled to comment on the goings-on in other departments and individual employees. (Example: My work schedule. Why so many employees felt that my work hours impacted them is beyond me. Also, that no one in management had the good sense to tell them “Mind your business” is just unacceptable.)
The extent to which people here are allowed to exert their own neuroses on others borders on company-sanctioned harassment.

Are there any changes that could have been made to prevent you from leaving?

A higher salary, more creative leeway and a complete change in corporate attitude. Also, some family friendly work policies would have helped (flex time, work from home, etc).

Other comments

COMPANY could be such a wonderful place to work. I’m saddened that no one will make the changes necessary to reduce the negativity. It’s a shame. Instead the most vocal complainers are given free reign, creating a down right hostile work environment for everyone.

Nothing new here

So, I feel like it went well. Had my interview, feel like I represented myself well, and seems like this would be a great move for me, careerwise. Which is nice since I've been feeling like my career got stuck at some point. The interview itself lasted over an hour and half, and that usually bodes well. But we'll see. (Trying not to get too excited. Or hopeful. It's the whole expect the worst and you're always pleasantly surprised thing)

The thing is, I can't help but start planning. IF they want me, and they're willing to pay me what I want, they want to move quickly, they said. When asked how soon I'd be looking at, I told them ideally 4-6 weeks. Dude, moving 4 people and three cats takes some time. So, with 2 weeks notice at work, a month of notice for my landlords (who've been unbelievably good to us, in spite of the whole "Lighting their home on fire" thing from earlier this year), and finding a new place in a new city? Yeah, I need a month. They seemed a little disappointed with that timeline, so I told them if it comes down to it, and this is a sticking point, I'm sure we can work something out.

After I left the interview, I talked to my dad who reminded me that if this company wasn't willing to work with me with either time, relocation benefits or some kind of work out, then it probably wasn't a company I'd want to work for, you know? And that made perfect sense. Good thing my dad could remind me that I'm looking for a GOOD job, with a GOOD company, that treats its employees WELL. Sometimes I forget that company's are supposed to be good for their employees too. Duh.
So, yeah. Trying not to think about it, while still THINKING ABOUT IT EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY HOUR! Fun.

So far this week, I haven't gotten home earlier than 9 pm. Poor Xtian has been doing the single parent thing all week, and I'm feeling like a schmuck about it. I'm also tired, cranky and totally body aching from lack of sleep and eating poorly. Time for a nice, relaxing night at home, methinks. I'm unbelievably fortunate to have a partner who is willing to drop everything and move to help my career out. Oh, and also, do more than half the household and childcare responsibilities because I've got other things to do. And then when I come home, make sure you sit and quietly listen while I complain about the house being messy, and WHY DO YOU HAVE 3 PAIRS OF SHOES OUT? How many can you possibly wear at once?!?!
Again, I'm a total pleasure to live with. Sheesh.

Ok, so here's my ideal. They call, offer me the job at a salary high enough that Xtian can CHOOSE to work, or not. They also extend either a nice signing bonus, or offer some delightful relocation package. And when I go to put in my two-weeks notice at work, they opt to have me leave immediately and just pay me out for those two weeks. And we find a nice, 3 bedroom place to rent for less money than we're spending now, within walking distance of food, bars, grocery, coffee etc. And it's close to school for Cory. And it's in a nice neighborhood with nice neighbors and cheap walking distance daycare. And rainbows and unicorns.

Think I'm living in a fantasy world? Hell, why not ask for a money tree while I'm at it? God, I'm so retarded sometimes...

Recap and hopes of things to come...

So, Journey is still delightful. The new singer is about 22 years old, and the rest of the band seems to be reveling in his youth. The set was great, even though they insisted on playing "new" material. Look, you are Journey. We came to hear you play about 5 songs. Play them. Don't dick around with this, "the best selling Journey album in 20 years!" garbage. I can't believe you all still even bother. But, well put together show, and Kat and I decided that she should probably marry the new singer. Just a good idea. He could wake her up every morning by singing Forever Yours, Faithfully. And who wouldn't love that?
Also, if you have the chance to see Heart? Please do it. I know, it's like 30 years later, but those babes are still powerhouses of awesome.
I officially hate the venue, though. They oversold the lawn seating to the point where it was standing room only before Heart went on, (Journey being the main attraction for the evening) and there were still several hundred people milling about getting beer and food. Unbelievably bad.
But the show was awesome, I got to have a nice visit with my family and Warren showed off how cute he is, so all in all a delightful trip.


My friend Meghan was writing about her desire to be more conscious of the food she buys and eats. Kind of funny how you drift toward similarly minded folks throughout your life, eh? Her musings remind me of a lot of the same thought processes I've been going through the last few years. I know all the things I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm working on it.

I want to eat locally, sustainably, organically and seasonally. I believe it's the best way to nourish myself, my family and also our environment. But I also want to stop spending money like we do. And you know what? It is often expensive to buy said foods. I've worked really hard at finding the cheaper places for produce and think I've got a decent balance of our local natural market and the farmer's market. I opt to make most foods from scratch, rather than pre-prepared. I haven't even bought ice cream in forever, opting to make it instead with some organic, local dairy and chocolate. My next project is learning to bake all my own breads so I don't have to buy expensive and still pretty tasteless bakery products.
But, I just can not afford organic meats. I bought them exclusively until Warren was born and Cory moved in. And feeding 3 full sized humans with the extra expenses of having a kid? Has just made it impossible. I try to buy the best meats I can, but more often than not, it's what's on sale at Costco.

I want to reduce my family's impact on the environment. We've reduced our water usage impressively, and we're getting better about recycling EVERYTHING we can. We use reusable rags instead of paper towels, I use cloth diapers and cloth baby wipes (except for most travel and some emergency situations). All and all, I feel that our household is doing well in that respect. Although I really need to swap out our cleaning supplies for less toxic versions. (And I've tried all the "organic" soaps, shampoos etc. and they are just awful. My hair was never so shitty. So, I object to that, but still aim for "biodegradable" and as natural as I dare).

Where the wheels fall off is car use. I work 35 miles from my home. And while I could take BART and a bus to get to my work, it costs the same money and takes 45 minutes longer each direction. I feel terrible guilt over this, but jeesus, I already have so little time with my family, I don't feel good about sacrificing yet another hour and a half of time I could be with them. Also, we live in a neighborhood that was publicized recently for having over 400 liquor stores and not a single grocery store. No wonder poor people eat so poorly. If you don't have fresh, good foods available, you want to know what's left? Go to the nearest gas station, see the foods? That's what you can buy in my neighborhood. Also, when you have a kid, it's just more work than I am able to put in sometimes, to load up the stroller and walk a couple of miles to do my errands.

And that's part of the reason I'm trying to get my family to move. I really want to plan where we live more thoughtfully than "It's cheap, it's available. Let's move." I want to live closer to my family, so that it's not a 3 hour drive any time we see each other. I want to live within an easy walk or bike ride of my work. I want to live in an area where it's easier to walk where we need to go, than drive. I want to be able to walk to a restaurant we enjoy, a grocery store, a coffee shop and a bar. Right now, we have none of these things within walking distance. We do have convenience stores and liquor stores. So, if you need some Marb lights, some Swishers and a bottle of cheap booze, I've got you covered.

When it finally dawn on me and Xtian that we'd eventually have to leave the bay area, we started plotting where we should go. I had a lot of criteria. No farther from my parents than we already are; needs to be a decent mix of races (we can't be the only, white/black/mixed people in the area); needs to be a big enough city to have the things we need; needs to have a healthy economy so that we can stay there; and preferably be cheaper to live than in the bay area.
We finally did some research and decided to aim for Sacramento. Our plan of action is this:
I find a job there, find a 3-bedroom place to live, Xtian and Cory put in their notice, we pack up and move. Xtian will use his Paid Family leave time while we get there and settled in. Giving him 6 weeks to find a job, daycare etc. That's been the plan for the last 6 months.

This move will be the next step in moving my family in the direction we want to go in. Hopefully, this move will be a great opportunity to adjust all these things I'd like to be doing differently. I'd love to spend that extra couple of hours with my kid, have more time and money to live my ideals, rather than feeling guilty for taking the shortcuts and knowing that I could be doing better for myself and my family.

In that vein, I'm almost afraid to mention...I have my first job interview in Sacramento tomorrow. It's my first call back from all this time I've been looking, so I'm understandably nervous. So, if everyone could think some good thoughts for me tomorrow at around 3 pm? I'd super, super appreciate it.

Blessed Sleep

After Warren's truncated night of sleep, I wasn't surprised to hear he'd taken a 5 hour nap at daycare. (Although, on days like that I have to wonder, "Is daycare even necessary? If he's going to sleep like that, shoot, he might as well be home alone." Not that I'd do that. Please don't call Child Protective Services on me.) Of course an epic nap like that can really fuck up the night time sleep routine.

But I'll be darned if we didn't get him fed, bathed and ready for bed before 6 pm, and he passed out cold at 6:15 pm, and sleep ALL THE WAY to 5 am. Which is when I usually get up to feed him before getting ready for work. Oh man, if this works most nights, I may just find myself in heaven.

Or course, now that I've talked about it, I've completely jinxed myself, don't you think? And tonight, we'll be driving to Sacramento and back, so we won't be home until probably 11 pm. That should throw a wrench in this whole "sleep" thing nicely. Two steps forward, one step back, eh?

And in the "good news" category, My sister and Kate found a place to live! They'll be living in Oakland in under 3 weeks!!!! I'm so unbelievably excited to have them so close by. I haven't lived in the same state as my sis in over 10 years! WOOOOOHOOOOO! No more 6-12 months between seeing eachother, then having an enormous week long super-intense visit where we get irritated and bitchy. I can actually drop by and see her for an hour without having to take time off work. Yippee.

I'm a little hyper today, can you tell? Also, leaving work soon, so very happy.

Friend Jen (as opposed to Sister Jenn) and I met up for drink last week, and were chatting about how blogs and blog reading have really changed the way we talk to and about people. This whole thing turns us all into voyeurs. I feel entitled to know pretty much everything about everyone, and also feel like I don't have anything I need to keep private. Is this true for everyone? On a daily basis I read about the most intimate details of the lives of total strangers. It's a bizarre phenomenon, and probably isn't helped by the reality TV and invasive journalism/papparazzi trends.

Do you remember in English class you read all kinds of things about writers like Jane Austen from their letters to friends and family? Jen and I were chatting about that and whether 200 years from now kids will be reading people's emails to gather more information about the life and times? Or since writing someone used to take so much work and expense (paper, ink, hand carrying letters etc), and now it costs pretty much nothing to type as much as we want to anyone, often several times a day, are all of our correspondence pretty much useless? Are Jane Austen's letters worth more than say, Isabel Allende's emails? Hmmm.

And that's my philosophical question of the day.

Off to Sacramento. Huzzah.

Why do the internet gods hate me so?

GAH! My company's internet service is screwed. Yesterday, I couldn't get to anything google related. Including anything on blogger since it's all google-fied. Today, nothing on Wordpress is coming in. Oh yeah, and a bunch of other work-related stuff is inaccessible. I guess that's somewhat important, right?

Now that Warren's first tooth has broken through the gums, he seems to be feeling much better. But of course, now he's gotten used to waking in the middle of the night and getting nursed back to sleep. So, even though he feels fine, he keeps waking up. My solution: stop feeding him. Hopefully he'll eventually figure out that the milk machine isn't giving it up, and will stop waking up. So far, no dice. He wakes up and if it's my turn to deal with him, he gets really agitated and kind of pissy with me when I don't whip out some boob.
So at 1:30 this morning, I had to wake Xtian and make him snuggle the boy back to sleep. As soon as I scooted Warren across the bed to Xtian, Warren gives Xtian a "Can you believe this bitch won't feed me?!?" look. Awesome. Starting tonight, Mama is sleeping on the couch. Maybe he'll figure it out faster if I'm not there.

~~

Saturday I'd invited my friend Eric's baby mama and their kid, C, to join me at the Farmer's market. These two are kind of a mess together, and there were paternity questions before kid was born etc. Just an unpleasant scene. But they're making a go of it, and to be supportive of my friend, I wanted to make an effort with the baby mama, L. I've met L before, and she used to work with me. However, it was not a good relationship. She has some major insecurity and jealousy issues and has said some unkind things about me in the past. I've decided to just let all that go, and am trying to be a mama-friend for her, as she seems to be lacking in the friends department.
I was really concerned about how this would go, since we've never spent any time without our respective partners. But, she ended up dragging Eric along anyway. I was hoping we'd get a chance to actually talk without the boys, since she seems so...insecure with him there, and rarely talks to anyone but him. But, whatever, if she was more comfortable, I can't blame her. After about 5 hours with them both, I was exhausted. I think she's a good person and clearly a very attentive mama, but wow. She's very intense to be around, and you don't get to finish a whole lot of sentences when she's there.

I don't know if I'll do a repeat of the whole thing. I'd like to get to know her better, without Eric being there. And I'm hoping her need needless defensiveness will wane a little bit if we spend some more time together. But then again, she just might be that in your face all the time.
We'll see if she makes any effort now that I've opened the door a bit.

Man, I had all kinds of stuff to write about here yesterday, but since the internet hates me, I couldn't. Now I can't remember what the hell I was going to write. Whatever. Maybe it will come to me another time. But, honestly, it probably wasn't that important to begin with. Huzzah.

Weirdness abounds!

Still no call from the doctor's office. It makes me crazy, but also, since their first order of business is triage (wherein they prioritize cases based on urgency)maybe that means little Warren isn't too bad yet? Looking for the bright spots, or something.
This week seems to be filled with crappy news on the internet. A couple of divorces unveiled, a miscarriage or two. Rough stuff. Let's hope that trend doesn't continue.

I'm feeling wrecked today. I kept waking up all night for weird reasons. At one point, I sat straight up in bed because I was certain a pigeon had gotten into the room. What? Where did that even come from? But I swear, I heard it flapping around inside my bedroom. Shit like that kept waking me up. These weren't dreams, more like when you're semi-conscious and you hear someone else in the house moving around. Clearly, I'm losing my mind.

Some annoying stuff going on at work. The crazy broad who complained about being in the building with my boss continues to be awkward. Today, I walked into the hallway to find she had stepped out a few feet in front of me. I don't know if she saw me coming from around the corner or not, but she suddenly broke into a run for about 10 steps. Then just walked into the ladies' room. Not sure what that was all about, but it's really fucking weird. Also, she doesn't wash her hands. Gross. So, now I can't touch any door handles since we have a confirmed nasty ass in our midst. How hard is it to wash your hands? The soap and water are RIGHT THERE! I don't care what the excuse is, there's always a way around it. I'm not really interested in contracting dysentery at this point in my life.

So, am I a complete douche since I still haven't written or sent out thank you notes for baby gifts? Yeah, probably. But damn, it's like the only thing I don't want to do, and it feels a lot like it's a moot point right about now. I wrote and sent out thank yous for baby shower gifts, isn't that good enough? I reciprocate gifts when appropriate. When will a nicely written email suffice? Isn't it "greener" to not use up the paper and gasoline used in writing thank you's and mailing them? I'm just grasping at straws now, aren't I? Damn it.

Week: Almost over. Coley: Almost happy. Huzzah!

Weekends need to be 5 days long.

Just like I expected, I got all lathered up, and then M wasn't even at the reception. Phew! It was a lovely event, full of great people. Warren was a model citizen, and didn't get fussy even after being held by the 20th new person of the day. Seriously, I'm at a loss as to why he's such a good kid. He's killing me with the cuteness the last few weeks. I may have to cover him in butter and honey and devour his face.

Like a jackass, since we had grandparents to babysit, I decided we were going out! And to further secure my jackass status, I stayed out until 4 am. You know the thing about babies? They don't care it's a weekend. They still get up with the sun. So, I sacrificed sleep for a night, and then still skimped on sleep last night. So, I'm a bit of a zombie. But that is not keeping me from getting to the gym tonight. I gave myself last week off the gym so I could deal with the job, and daycare without making myself insane. But if I'm to drop the other 40 pounds I've been meaning to lose for a couple years now...I'd better get it together.

The sucky thing about weekends is, they end. I kind of forgot about that. Blech. Time to write some loan disclosures. Just living the dream, people. Just living the dream.

This Is Why I'll Never Be Asked to Decorate Anything.

I suck at eating properly. Some days, I just can’t be bothered with eating until I’m so shaky and ill, the very thought of food makes me queasy. (You know that whole I’m so hungry I can’t even think about food thing?) Other days I just can’t stop shoveling food into my mouth. Can we do something to average those days out and eat a respectable amount of food every day? Maybe?
See, yesterday, I wasn’t hungry and forgot to eat until after 4 pm. Today, I’ve been starving since I woke up and have already eaten every scrap of food I brought with me. This could get ugly.


I had very few plans for this weekend, yet ended up running around crazily from start to finish. My mom is coming to Oakland next weekend to help me get MC’s room together. I am so overwhelmed by the very thought of it, I’ve just been throwing everything into the closet, still in it’s packaging. We still have 5-7 weeks to go (*fingers crossed for sooner rather than later). But the only thing in MC’s room is a changing table. And the only reason it’s not in the closet? It doesn’t fit.

I’m having the hardest time thinking beyond the most utilitarian things. While other women paint nurseries, get color coordinating linens, wall hangings and whatever, I’m thinking I’m all set with a place for the kid to sleep, and a pack of diapers. What else does it need?
So, luckily I have Xtian to drag around Ikea for a few hours. Xtian is the only person who does any amount of gussifying in our home. I’ve never hung a single picture on the wall. It’s all him. After hours of being overwhelmed, we finally made a list of some things that we can buy to make the room a little less…boring. We rent, so clearly the walls are all “Fuck It” white, and the carpet is some weird brown/tan thing that was cheap when my landlords redid it. Not exactly a stimulating, comforting place to be. Although, the cats seem to like it just fine, but then they aren’t exactly the height of good taste you might believe. Dear lord, I think I am on the verge of purchasing CURTAINS and an AREA RUG! This will make two lifetime firsts for me. Let’s just see if I don’t chicken out before Saturday rolls around.

Is it naptime yet? I’m exhausted. Is this what people mean when they say pregnancy makes you tired? Because, damn, am I ever feeling it.

Give me my money back, you bitch.

List of stuff for a Friday (sorry, I’m too lazy to actually pull together content with a flow or meaning)

• I managed to pull a groin muscle this week. I’m a lady, so I won’t tell you how this happened. But I will tell you it’s how people get into the situation I’m in now. *ahem*
• Mocha Cub dances to music. Especially the Hair soundtrack and Kanye West. If it didn’t feel so weird, it’d be really freakin’ cute.
• I’m still not putting on enough weight, says the doctor. And I’m actively losing any weight I do put on if I go a few days without gorging on garbage-fast-food. It seems I just can’t get enough calories into my body if my meal doesn’t come Supersized. Which is also really kind of nauseous-making.
• Tomorrow I get to go to Rock The Bells, at which I will get to see Rage Against the Machine, Mos Def, Common, Wu Tang and a gazillion others. It’s going to be a-may-zing. Aside from that whole “spending 10 hours outside, in the sun/cold of a San Francisco summer, where water will inevitably cost $9 a bottle, and let’s not even talk about food” thing. We should have a dancing baby all day long. My insides already feel bruised.
• Holy crap, today couldn’t last longer if it tried.

That is all.

Damn, that's hot.

I am lacking anything awesome to write. When I arrived at work at 7 am, I took a look at my to-do list and realized, in horror, that I had completed everything. I had 9 hours to kill, and not one productive thing to do. After what felt like a full days worth of dicking around on the internet, cleaning out my desk, organizing my portfolio, and chit chatting with my boss, I found it was only 9 am. Seriously. And this week, I had two non-work days. And it’s not like I could find work if I tried. Did I mention the desk-cleaning?

Gar!

Have I mentioned that there are three women who were on my softball team who are all currently pregnant? Me, Bitchface, and Trashy VP. That’s not the weird part. The weird part is we are all due within three days of each other. Is that as creepy as I think it is? Or, as one of my friends at work asked, “What the hell went on at those softball games?”

That is all.

Party like a Rock Star. Totally, Dude.

Yeah, so blah blah, headaches, blah blah, whiplash trip to Chico, blah blah work is annoying.
There, I think that’s everything.

Oh, except, did I mention that we bought a car? Oh, I didn’t? Whoops. Yeah, so the cutest car in the world is now in the Coley-Xtian possession. We’ve named her Priscilla. She is blue.

It’s hard naming a car when you’re also in the process of picking out baby names. I kept getting stuck with all the names on the “Possible Baby Names” list, and thought it might be awkward to name our child after our car. Or vice versa. So, it had to be a name that wasn’t on the list, with enough humor to it that we don’t feel like asshats when we call the car by name. So, Priscilla it is. Extra points if you put on an Elvis sneer when you say it.

I went maternity shopping with my mom last weekend and actually bought clothing with PATTERNS. Those who don’t see me in person might not know that I avoid all patterns if at all possible. Everything I own is a solid color. (Hell, it’s only a few months ago that I branched out from my wardrobe containing only the colors black, red, yellow and sometimes blue. These things take time.)
And while shopping, I tricked my mom into cursing. Which, let’s face it, is always funny. I was trying on some jeans, and asked my mother, “Do these give me Mom Ass?”
Without thinking, mom replied, “No, they don’t give you Mom Ass.” Then was horrified that I’d made her cuss. Hehehehe. I’m pure evil. And it’s awesome.

DUDE! These weekends with *gulp* activities planned? They have to stop. I’m tired. I need a week to sit on my ass and eat Twizzlers. And Ramen. And watch the last season of Charmed.

~~
So, for those not in the know, I did not change my name when Xtian and I got married.
There are a lot of reasons for this ranging from simply: I’m lazy and changing all my ID’s, spending a day at the courthouse filling out forms, and learning a new signature sounded like torture to me; and all the way to the more complex: My name is part of my identity, and names are a traditionally powerful thing (mythologically, if you name something you own it) and that didn’t sit right with me. (I’ve got no issue with those who choose to change their names, more power to you. It just didn’t work for me.)
Xtian didn’t care one way or the other if we have the same last name, and really that’s all that matters.
Some family members showed some surprise when they learned I’d kept my name, but I hadn’t heard anybody expressing negativity about it. Until last weekend.

Two instances in the same day kind of irked me.
Instance the First:
While Step Grandma and Grandpa were visiting at my parents’, we were chatting about my aunt’s recent marriage. Someone asked if my aunt had changed her name, which she did. SG told the story like this, “I asked Aunt if she was keeping her name or changing it, and she said, ‘I’ll be changing it. I’m NOT Coley.’”
This was a little weird. I’ve talked to Aunt and was supportive when she said she was changing her name. So, what’s with the attitude? Did she really disapprove or my choice? Or is it more like she felt judged and threatened?

Instance the Second
Later at dinner, my brother and his friend were over. We were chatting about marriage and babies and all that. My dad asked the very logical question, “What will your kids’ last name be?” I explained that we’ll hyphenate, and when/if the kids get married, they can do whatever they want with it.

My brother suddenly got kind of agro about me not changing my name. He kept asking why I wouldn’t. When I joked that I was too lazy to fill out forms, he snipped, “how hard can it be? One day at the courthouse! It’s not hard,” Etc. What the fuck does it matter to him? Is it so offensive that he had to start a fight with me over dinner? It kept escalating despite my efforts to disarm with, “It was important to me, and Xtian is fine with it, so that’s all that matters.” Shit, dude. Why does anyone think they get to have an opinion about these things? How does it affect you, in any way? And, seriously, we’ve been married over a year. NOW is the time to have this throw down over a PERSONAL CHOICE?

Fuck. Now I’m getting all annoyed just thinking about it. I love my family, but sometimes I want to choke the shit out of some people.

Right, I’m out.

Don't give me no bammer weed.

Ok, after the epic entry from yesterday (sorry for any who couldn’t care less about the wedding. I’ll move back onto sarcastic bitching about other people and vagina jokes shortly) I’m ready for some snippets.

The receptionist outed me at work. She actually asked me point-blank if I was pregnant. Well, I am just about 12 weeks, so I told her yes. I had thought people knew better than to ask this question (especially after the mean Russian lady asked me long before I got knocked up if I was pregnant and I snarkily responded with, “Nope, just fat apparently”). But whatever, I guess since I can’t really hide the belly anymore, I may as well embrace it.

As just mentioned, the belly is undeniable. I know, I know. Isn’t it awfully early to be showing? I thought this too, and started to worry that I was doing “pregnancy” wrong. Then a relative pointed out to me that I have the shortest waist known to planet earth. (Seriously, from the bottom of the rib cage, to the tip of my pelvis: 7.5 inches. This is why I hate clothing.) And in her words, “The kid has to go somewhere, and up is not an option. So, out it is.” Fair enough.

I sat on a training phone call for about an hour today. Nothing off about that. Until we got the last 15 minutes of the call, wherein the person doing the training admonished me in 4 different, long-winded ways that it’s really important to SAVE your work. Umm, duh? I’m pretty sure we’ve all been employed for a while here, do you really need to be told, as if this is novel information, that SAVING YOUR WORK is important? I didn’t think so.

All I’ve wanted to eat for the last 3 weeks is a taco salad from Togo’s. So, that’s what I eat, minimum 3 times a week. Yes, I should feel more embarrassed about that than I actually do.

That’s all I’ve got.