Monday, August 2, 2010

Life-Manager Coley

I thought I had reached some deadlines last week. Turns out, I was wrong. I have even more to do this week.

In the interest of feeling like I'm doing better at anything in life
right now, Xtian and I went on a date on Saturday. My new goal is to
have a date at least once a month. I know, other people will tell you
they have a date night each week, but that just isn't realistic for us
at this point. Between finding childcare, paying for childcare, having
a few spare hours of time, and enough cash to do anything all at the
same time, it's like an act of Congress to get it together. So, we're
aiming for monthly. Xtian planned this one, and we went miniature
golfing, followed by dinner at a Brazilian barbecue. The golfing was
more fun than I expected (considering I suck at it, and am a poor sport
when I suck), the food was awesome... more money than we wanted to
spend, but screw it. It was grilled meats skewered onto a sword and
carved at your table. Delish. I better start wracking my brain for a
date idea for August....

But, our date on Saturday happened to be the fifth anniversary of the
day we moved in together. Which is weird to think we've been together
for 5 years. Some days it seems we've been married for 50 years, other
days I wonder "Who the hell is this guy?" But we're actually doing
pretty well considering we're living in some pretty stressful times. I
had a minor blowup last week, the burden of having to be "in charge of
everything" made me lose my mind. Xtian is great, and tries really hard
to be helpful. But he will not lift a finger to do anything unless I
specifically ask him to. Then about half the time, he forgets about it
until I ask again. So, this creates a situation where I walk around
pissed because no one else notices the cat box being disgusting?
Really? Then I feel like I'm always barking orders or nagging, or I'm
resentful because I feel like I'm doing everything. Add my insane
workload at my job lately, and two children (again, I'm the person who
is the "baby manager." Xtian will change diapers, give baths, etc so
long as he is given instructions).

It all boils down to, everything is my responsibility, either because I
have to do it myself, or because I'm in charge of delegating and
following up. I went out of town for 24 hours weekend before last. I
had a great time. It should have been an awesome weekend. Except when I
got home, no progress had been made on any of the weekend-routine
duties (tidying up the house, preparing for the week ahead, getting
ready for family visits... etc). So, while I did get one day away, I
came back to the exact same amount of work that now needed to be done
in about a quarter of the time.

So, I finally blew up and told Xtian I'm tired of being the
life-manager for everyone in the household. That I need him to be more
proactive in noticing what needs to be done, then just doing it.
Something as simple as, "hey there's a piece of trash on the living
room floor. Perhaps I should pick it up and throw it away," instead of
just ignoring it, or assuming I'll take care of it.

My blow up took place in the morning, and for once I didn't call names
or get insulting. (I may have thrown a few, just leave me the F* alones
in there, but honestly... not bad for me)  I told him I was really
frustrated and starting to feel really resentful. I told him what I
needed him to do, and asked if what I expected was too much. Then I
left the house, went to work and let him mull it over all day. We
talked a little before bed that night, and things are starting to
improve. He still doesn't realize everything that has to be done to
keep our house moving forward, but instead of being angry, I've been
saying "Honey, did you notice that when you made lunch, you spilled
water all over the counters and food on the floor? These are the things
I need you to notice, then fix so I don't have to be a bitch." And he's
trying. I'll give him credit, for that.

So, those are the mundane things going on in my life. How you doing?
Anyone want to share their BS annoyances so I don't feel like such an
ungrateful 1st worlder?

1 comment:

Jennifer Lucita said...

Although there are not 2 additional little people in my house to look after & take care of - I too find myself in the same boat as you. My hubby is great about taking care of things when I give him a list or ask him specifically to handle it. I also often have to ask twice or remind. I think it's a guy thing. On a daily basis he will walk by his shoes in the middle of the living room floor or the garbage he left on the kitchen table, crumbs on the counter, hair in the bathroom sink, etc. I have "blow up" moments myself and hate feeling like a nag when I have to constantly point things out to him. You are not alone. At least we are both fortunate to have men who are receptive to our pleas and actually accomplish things when asked. I believe some women aren't as lucky... :)