Friday, August 1, 2008

Shake, Shake Yeah!

Oh my god. It's only 10:23 am, and I've already been through my entire blog list. Brutal.

However, my morning just improved greatly when I remembered that Xtian was kind enough to pack a mid-morning snack for me: everything bagel, cream cheese, smoked salmon, cucumber. Oh lordie, does that man know the way to my heart. Between good food and a good blast of fun music, my morning just took a good turn.

And for serious, could Metrostation make a catchier song? I've been running around singing "Shake Shake Shake" for a week straight. Oh, and Warren *knock wood* slept straight through the night last night. Now let's hope I haven't completely screwed myself by talking about it.
Now if only everyone whose site I read would post some delightful bon mots I'd be all set.

While in Chico last week, my mom and I ran out to *cough* Walmart (I know, I know. But mom was buying and who am I to tell her where to spend her money. But god, is there any worse place to be seen?) and the second I walked in the door, someone is saying, "Oh my god, it's Coley." Sure enough it's a group of girls from Jr. High and High school. Unfortunately I only remembered one of their names. Luckily, I can cover for it, with effusive use of flattery.

The girl who I remembered, we'll call her SL, was a little bigger than she was last I saw her. No biggie, but the first thing out of her mouth was an embarrassed laugh followed by blurting out, "I had a kid! Which is why I look like this...ha ha. Children ruin your body!"
Literally the first sentence out of her mouth. And I'm thinking, "shit, you don't need to apologize for how you look. I don't care. You're fine. " And how sad that she felt so uncomfortable (which is funny since I'm easily 50 pounds heavier than I was in high school) with me seeing her looking like that. Is this what women inspire in other women? Fear? Embarrassment?

So, to cover her obvious awkwardness, I went where all parents go, "Oh, your kid? How old? Boy or girl?" We chatted for a bit, she had a 9-month old, husband in Fresno, she stays home with the kid, met in college etc. We wrapped up the chitter chat and got on our way.

I've been ruminating on that conversation, in hoping I'd not react that same way. And what must her impression of me be if she felt so compelled to explain herself?

And I have to admit, I'm a horrible human being. At the time, I was sitting there thinking, "HA! I had a kid two months after you, and I look better!" So, apparently her fear was well-placed. I am an asshole. I can rationalize and tell myself that I don't think badly about her, because I don't. Mostly I'm just proud of myself and how hard I've been working to lose weight and get my body into a better place than it was before I got pregnant. But, still, the thought was there, so I'm a total douche. But whatever, I'm owning it. I've been judged harshly millions of times for being "wrong" bodywise. There is no winning the game. Someone always thinks your too fat, too thin, too short, too thickwaisted, too ANYTHING. So, fuck it, it's probably not anything to do with me, why SL felt the need to explain her body and apologize for it.

See? Do you like the way I rationalized that one so I don't have to feel badly about it anymore? I'm really that good and justification. You just wish you had my skills.


Thirstin' for Thurstons said...

you have to email me the name of the girl, i havent seen anyone in years! I wish i could randomly see someone from high school....or at least hear about when you saw someone...

Coley said...

Ooh, will do Nathalie. Watch that inbox, eh?

april said...

I read this post before and tried to comment on it but for some reason blogger wouldn't let me. But I thought about you the other day. My ex-husbands girlfriend have me a picture of her and I at her baby shower. I was wearing a baseball hat, sweatshirt and jeans...feeling like a scrub. She was dressed in cute little maternity clothes. When I looked at the picture, I couldn't help but think, "Damn, I'm dressed like a bum and I STILL look better than her." And yeah, I felt terrible for thinking that.

Hope all is going well with you!!