Stuff and things

Dude, so my last post was number 420. Huh huh. Sorry, turns out stoner humor never dies. It just gets more awkward as you get older.

Quick note, consider it a public service announcement. If you haven't seen the movie "Once" do yourself a favor, and get that movie this instant. It's so beautiful, and sweet. And yes, it's categorized as a Musical, but it's not like that. It's about a street musician, and the songs are there because of it. It's not like the characters are eating dinner and burst into song and choreographed dance. So, don't let that dissuade you. I'm so in love with the movie, that I'm rocking out to the soundtrack as I type.


So, I'm going public with this in the hope it'll force me to actually succeed. I have decided to lose 35 pounds by October 1. I figure that's a decent enough amount of weight to really change how I look and feel, but is still a doable figure. I found a fitness tracker dealie online that has proven addictive, but is also keeping me honest. I've been working on it for just about a week, and I'm down a pound and a half. Which is pretty well on track to meet my goal.

But here's where things get sketchy. Every time I do any conscious weight loss, I realize that after all this time, I still have a totally unhealthy relationship with food, weight and my body in general. As a young girl and into my teens and if I'm perfectly honest, well into my 20s, I used starvation as a way to punish my body for not being what I wanted. I used the feeling of hunger pains the way other people cut themselves. It hurts, but in a way that feels good. Because it's what my body deserved. And when I finally broke down and ate something, I'd hate myself and punish myself with exercise and forced vomiting.

This is a cycle I'm working really hard to break, but it's the only way I knew how to control my body. I do not know how to eat food without bringing punishment or reward into the equation. So, while I've been obsessively tracking my calories in vs calories out, I've been trying really hard to not limit my calories too much. Otherwise, I start playing the "How little can I eat and still get through the day" game, not very healthy, eh? And really fucked up that I still remember my all-time record. 200 calories a day for more than a week. And even more fucked up, I feel inadequate for not being able to do it again. These are the types of thoughts I'm trying to curb.

So far, I've been doing pretty well. But as soon as I let up on disciplining my thoughts, I find the shitty things creeping back in. Just before noon yesterday, I was feeling hungry. Rather than using that as a signal to eat my lunch I stayed put and reveled in the feeling for another hour and a half, seeing how long I could hold out before I gave in. That was a familiar sensation and when I finally recognized it I went and grabbed my lunch. Which is progress for me. I used to try to keep that hungry feeling for a day at a time. Then two. Then three. Or eat just enough to take the edge off the pain. Of course, I didn't do that. I ate my entire lunch, and felt fine.

But it doesn't take much to bring it all back. This is when I wish I'd kept up with therapy. How many people recovering from eating problems actually know how to eat without it being a punishment, or a reward? Am I going to have to be this vigilant for the rest of my life? Is it ever going to come naturally? Eat when you are hungry, stop when you are satisfied.
Sounds so simple.
But it's just not.