Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Don't try to follow the logic, it'll only hurt your head.

I got home from work yesterday to find Xtian had chopped all his hair off, and shaved his beard, leaving some well trimmed sideburns and an adorable soul patch. He does this every so often just to keep everyone guessing. Now, every time I leave the room, and then come back I’m startled at the stranger in the house. Because I’m retarded and have a hard time with some changes. Meanwhile, he looks fabulous.

Also when I walked in the door, Xtian had a look on his face like a beaten dog. With his head hung low, he confessed, “I did something bad.”

Being the crazy broad that I am, I just assumed he’d brought home a prostitute who’d not only stolen all of our stuff, but had also lit the cats on fire an given him an STD. Isn’t that the first place EVERYONE’S mind goes in such a circumstance?

But no. Instead, the bad thing Xtian did was to do some laundry. Unfortunately, part of that laundry just happened to be his cell phone in the pocket of some pants.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever sent an electronic device through the Heavy Duty Clean cycle on your washing machine, but let us just say, the phone was dust. My husband is a delightful human being, kind, thoughtful, strong, and have I mentioned hot? Another thing he is: extremely accident prone. This is a man who has been hit by a tree. (No, he didn’t hit a tree, a tree dropped an enormous branch on him while biking through the park, totaling his bicycle.) I often joke that anything that can happen, will happen to Xtian. And I think this just reinforces my belief.

Of course the poor guy feels like a total schmoe. But to be honest, while I’m not thrilled at being arm-wrestled into throwing $200 into A&T’s pocket, I’m just surprised that it took this long for him to destroy his phone. (This time I was smart and opted for the $4 per month insurance. Why this option was not offered to me at the last contract signing, I’ll never know.)


A lot of people told me that when they were pregnant, their partners put on some extra weight as well. I was always kind of comforted by that, since as some of you might know, Xtian is exponentially hotter than I am. (But don’t tell him that, seriously. I’ve got a good thing going here!) Not that I wanted to fatten him up, per se. More like I was hoping it would even the scales a bit while I was in Chubby Pregnant Lady Land.

Instead, the opposite has been true. Xtian has redoubled his efforts at the gym, causing his teeny little belly to shrink even more. And with the suave new hairdo, and the skin care regimen that makes his skin glow, and the love for dressing nicely, Xtian is getting hotter by the minute, while I sink further and further into Hag Land. It’s just not fair that he’s widening the gap here.

This really shows by my complete inability to keep my hands off him for longer than a few minutes, and his growing disinterest in me as anything other than a mom. Just depressing as all get out.

Now, in my magical fantasy land, my body will decide immediately after giving birth to shed 80 or so pounds, without any effort on my part. And, even better, it will let me keep my engorged boobs for the duration of my life. And with all that coming to fruition, I will take a giant leap in hotness that makes it so Xtian and I are on a little more even ground. Sounds reasonable, right? Yeah. Don’t shatter my dreams, man.

Hurray for doctor’s appointments taking up a few hours of my day. Hopefully she’ll give me some idea of how close to getting MC the hell out of me we are.

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