Friday, August 24, 2007

Will the Classhole Please Stand Up?

My god, the cankles. It took a full 24 hours of putting my feet up for my normal ankles to return. This cannot be good. This can also not go on for another 3 plus months. I will die. Or at least, whine until Xtian leaves me. I’m going to have to remember to take a picture of my normal feet and ankles so the next time they swell to mammoth proportions you can all see them and think, “Wow, them’s some nasty ass feet and ankles.”

I like to share. Clearly.

I’ve been kind of wondering if I was ever going to start getting cravings. To this point, I’d mostly just experienced food aversions. Such as, “Gee, I know I just spent an hour making the most amazing dinner in the world. But I think I will die if I have to eat it. Good lord, time to make a batch of Ramen and call it a day.” Even after the morning sickness died down, nothing sounded good, but some things sounded less bad than others. But then…then I started feeling STARVING. Every minute of every day I’m starving. Even while I’m currently consuming food, I’m thinking about the other food I want to be eating. This has made grocery shopping a dangerous activity. I’m trouble shopping hungry anyway, let alone hungry, knocked up and desiring every food stuff in the world. Hence the Costco box of Hot Pockets currently waiting in my freezer, the tub of Nutella, the boxes of Macaroni and Cheese, the bag of fun sized Twix sitting in my cupboard, then the stop at McDonald’s for McNuggets and a White Trash Hot Fudge Sundae. With nuts. Oh, and could you double up on the fudge? Great.

So, perhaps this is when I gain all the weight I’m supposed to gain? But no. Still not putting on the weight because as soon as I have three bites of anything, I’m stuffed beyond belief. For serious, body. Let’s work together here.

I don’t think I ever talked about my childbirth class. It was mostly fine, except: Xtian got off work late, and so couldn’t join me. So, I was totally the big ol’ pregnant woman, sitting alone in the birthing class. Loser. Most of the other couples were in the same boat, first kid, no idea what to expect etc. The teacher of this class is a doula and midwife. I was concerned she was going to be too hippy for me, but then I realized that for all my big talk, I’m still a Whole Foods shopping, green bag using, recycling, composting no good dirty ass hippy. So, fine.

As class started we went around the room and each person gave their name, kid-background, and what they were hoping to get out of the classes. Things were all fine with everyone: looking for information, wanted to be prepared to help their wives etc. Fine, all perfectly acceptable answers. Until we get to the last couple. The man was a total Berkeley-type nerd. About 6 feet tall, maybe a buck twenty in weight, bad hair, but is probably a nice guy. The woman is SMOKING HOT. Even with her at 32 weeks pregnant, I was still thinking, “Damn, I’d hit that.” So, when it was their turn to speak, she talked about how excited they were, and how she really just wanted more information since they’d read all these books…ALL these books and was feeling a little…

At that point the man of the couple interrupted and rambled, “You see, we both have such wonderful parenting examples in our lives, and we just can’t wait to join them in this journey. And the first part of this journey is to bring this child into the world and..” Oh dear god. It just never ended. 5 full minutes of annoying new agey man crap. Oy. He mentioned again all these books they’ve read. So, why is it, as we were going through the class (again, since I’m not a retard, and actually have done some research I found not one piece of information was new ) that HE DIDN’T KNOW A GODDAMN THING? He was the question guy, he had no idea about anything, from the parts of labor, to the meaning of episiotomies, or anything. So, did you read these books or just put them under the bed and hope for osmosis learning?

Yeah, so I was glad to have identified the classhole so early. Usually it takes a few meetings to really decide, but he made it abundantly clear. So thanks, Greg! Or whatever the fuck his name was.

I imagine the next 5 classes will give me a lot of material. So, hurray.
Meanwhile, it’s Friday and my hunger must be fed. Huzzah!

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