Why do all the Crazies marry into my family?

Ah, nutty Step Grandma is back at it. Apparently, my aunt changed her mind for the 20th time about the wedding ceremony, and decided to not bring religion into it at all. All I know is I offered to give my aunt a copy of my ceremony to give her some ideas. She didn’t take me up on it and said she had found something that worked for her.
Then, yesterday, SG called and demanded that I remove all the music she requested from the reception play list. (Oh yeah, did I mention that I also volunteered to do music? Because I’m not very smart.) “Even though I am paying for every last thing, every single part of this wedding, I’m not allowed to have ANY input on the ceremony. So I don’t want anything that reflects ME involved.” Yeah, because she’s going to show them.

This is the lecture I then gave her, you know, but in nicer words. “Look, old bag: you are allowed to feel hurt that they don’t want your input on the ceremony. But they are writing it, and it is THEIR WEDDING. You got to have your own goddamn ceremony 20 years ago. Since you are paying for it, you are allowed to veto things because they cost too much money. You are allowed to offer ideas. You are allowed to have feelings. But you are not allowed to make this about YOU. I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt. But she doesn’t have to have religion involved in her ceremony if it’s not meaningful to her.”

My theory when it comes to weddings is that if all else fails, the actual ceremony is the only part that matters. If the bride and groom get to choose nothing else, they should get to choose their ceremony. Hence, Xtian and I did a completely non-religious ceremony, because it wouldn’t have meant anything to either of us to pledge our love before god. If you do religion, by all means, reflect that in your ceremony. But if the ceremony doesn’t mean anything to you personally, why are you having that ceremony? THAT’S the part that makes your marriage legitimate.

SG got all hurt because she believes that my aunt is using the same ceremony I did. Not that SG would know that, since she and my grandfather couldn’t be bothered to come. (In their defense, they lived in Florida at the time, and were only given 2.5 months of notice. But they also tried to get us to move the date. After invitations had been sent out and a venue paid for. Nice touch, old people. Oh and my only grandparent who was physically able to attend, left immediately after the ceremony to try and bag his ex-wife. Just glorious, I have awesome grandparents.) But clearly, this was MY fault, and I should be made to pay. When I explained that my aunt doesn’t have a copy of the ceremony, so how could she be using the same one, SG declared, “well, clearly she remembers enough of it.”

Yeah, because you know what I make it a point of doing? Memorizing other people’s wedding ceremonies, from over a year ago. All the time. Sheesh.

So, later that evening, my other aunts, cousins and SG got together to make wedding favors and centerpieces. SG has now decided to FREAK about the weather, and stressing about it being too hot. Despite the 6 conversations I have had with her about the weather in the last two weeks. “We hope it’ll be nice, but we have contingency plans. There is enough room inside or outside for whatever we need. We can not control the weather, so why waste energy worrying?” Clearly, this wasn’t enough for her. So I told her I’d looked up weather forecasts and everyone is showing this weekend is supposed to be a perfect 74 degrees, and isn’t that good news?
All SG can muster is, “Don’t count on it.”

*sigh* I officially throw my hands up and say enough. If she’s that bound and determined to be negative, I’m out. I’m done holding her hand, and listening to her whine, and convincing her that the best course of action is to SHUT UP and think about what she is saying.

I mean, I knew this was coming. I knew we couldn’t get all the way up to the wedding day without someone completely melting down. But I really hoped we just might squeak by. The bride and I have talked. I know how she wants things to be. So, I will be avoiding SG’s calls until the wedding, then assigning her the job of “shutting the hell up” during all W-Day preparations.

And if anyone is wondering, I will NOT be answering my phone, emailing or talking to anyone aside from Xtian and the cats for the remainder of the holiday weekend. Seclusion and booze are the only ways to deal with family sometimes, and since I can’t down a liter of Maker’s Mark these days, ignoring everyone else in the world is my only alternative.

I’m sure I’ll have a fabulous recap of the Wedding Day Shit Show Extravaganz-Crappa next week. Oh dear lord, I hope of get pictures of the inevitable bitchslap fight!