Wednesday, May 23, 2007

My 300th Entry. Yes, I need to do something more productive with my time.

I am completely unable to deal with anything today. I've been experiencing the hormonal bitchiness, snapping at people who don't deserve it, yelling at others because I hurt myself, etc. But this crying thing? Not used to it at all. An email from my VP asking me to do some work that is really useless, won't make a damned bit of difference, but is time consuming as all fuck, reduced me to racking sobs. Sure, it would always have gotten my hackles up. But a few months ago, I would have bitched about it to my boss, my work husband, or Xtian. And then I would have calmed down and gotten it done.

But today, since my boss and my work husband are both gone, I called Xtian told him what happened and started sobbing. This job is not hard, it's not a bad gig. I mostly enjoy my day. But recently all the petty meanness, tattle-taling, politically motivated character assassination is getting worse. Add onto it I found out SOMEONE is asking around if I will rat out my boss. But here's the thing, he hasn't done anything wrong. His worst offense is not liking a VP. ANd if that's a fire-able offense, I think everyone here would be out of a job. It's just shitty, and has me wondering if this is really a place I want to be. And with all this shit going through my brain lately, one poorly toned email reduced me to a complete wreck. Just awesome.


I've written a little about this topic previously, but it's weighing on me. So you get to hear about it. Again! I know, you are lucky.
Recently I got back in touch with a girl I knew in Jr. High and High School. We never really had a falling out, as far as I know, but just kind of were doing different things and didn't make much of an effort to stay in touch. She mentioned something in an email that clicked the light on for me.

Let's back up. In Jr. High, I had a few girl friends whom I was really close with. After a while though, they all kind of turned on me. I didn't know it at the time, but later it was revealed to me that this was calculated. At least one girl made the decision to turn the entire group against me. These were the Mormon girls. I was heartbroken, and pretty destroyed. I've always had a hard time making friends, and starting over completely in Jr. High was just torture. So, I started being a serial monogamist. Because boyfriends didn't turn against you. The worst they could do was break up with you, and I was determined never to let one do that. I would break up with them before they could dump me. And because word got around that I was...not easy, but interested in exploring, I never had a shortage of males interested in my affection. And since I've never had great self-esteem/self-worth, this lead me to make some really bad decisions about men, and women for that matter. But I knew where I stood with them.

So rather than depending on female friends, I spent time with a string of guys and my friends were their friends. This basically took me all the way through high school.

Looking back, I can see the direct connection between being betrayed by girls, and turning to dependence on males for my feelings of self-worth. Then in college, I had a close girl friend again. We lived together for three years before she moved out without warning and never spoke to me again. I know I can be a difficult person, but I still don't know what I did. I'd blame myself if I had a clue, but since I don't, I've always felt betrayed again.

It took a few years and meeting some nice women, and reconnecting with women I'd known way back, but hadn't let into my life very much, to start trusting and enjoying women again.

Then in this email, my old friend mentioned how much she hated high school and Jr. High, and how she'd always felt out of place and alienated. Finally it clicked. Everyone felt ill-adjusted and alienated in High School. Those girls turned on me to protect themselves from feeling out of place. Because if someone else is MORE out of place, then you are ok.

I don't really hold anything against those girls, and years ago made my peace with my life choices (which ultimately served me well and brought me to the place I am right now. Which is a good thing). But hearing those feelings from someone I had grouped into "THOSE Girls" reminded me that they were just stupid girls looking to protect themselves.
And I hope that my methods for protecting myself didn't hurt anyone else to the extent I was hurt.

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