Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Wedding Recap

Executive Summary:
Overall the wedding was just fine. I spent too much time having to beg people to do what they were supposed to do. (You know like, “Ok, time to walk down the aisle. First bridesmaid, go. Now. GO NOW! NOW! Yes, right now.”) And by the end of the day I was feeling really taken advantage of, and not very nice. But the bride and groom had a good time, Step Grandma only had to be talked to a couple of times, and overall no one really noticed all the places where all hell broke loose. So, I did my job. Unfortunately, now everyone in the family has asked that I help with upcoming events/future weddings. I think my fees need to be in the $200/hr range to make it worthwhile.

I was definitely reminded why I did not go into the Event Planning business. Bitches is crazy.

Assorted Highlights:

  • I threatened to punch a 10-year old. (He totally had it coming)
  • The groom’s sister went into labor, complete with her water breaking during the reception, as the cake was being cut. (This would be her 6th child by three different men. All children were there; none of them knew how to behave.)
  • Only one person who said they would, showed up to set up. That’s of the 10 who volunteered. If not for my other aunt, and my mom and dad, this wedding would not have happened. Or at the very least, we would have all had to stand while it happened.
  • Guests started arriving at 12:30. The wedding started at 2. This is far more rude than showing up late.
  • The groomsmen’s respective girlfriends (who were not in the wedding) threatened to kick the bridesmaids’ collective asses because they “linked arms while walking down the aisle.” This apparently necessitated a large parking lot scene wherein cops were nearly called.

In Depth Analysis:
I awoke on Saturday morning at 5:30 am, running through my to-do list in my sleep. My parents and sister all stayed with us the night before, so we all got up, dressed and to the wedding site at 9:30 am. My aunt (not the one getting married) was the only other person who showed up when they said they would. By 11:20, we had all tables and chairs set up, and a good sense of how the event would flow. The centerpieces, linens, favors etc arrived way late in the trunk of my grandfather’s car (only an hour late!)

The groom and his groomsmen got to the site just in time to unload the beverages. Then drink the beverages. Then decided that they needed to go get food. And drove 30 miles of busy-ass freeway away. So, while they originally arrived between 11 and 11:30, they still all almost missed the wedding.

Step Grandma in her infinite wisdom decided NOT to hold a rehearsal, because she didn’t want to do a rehearsal dinner. I thought this was RETARDED but not my call to make. I scheduled a quick run-through of the wedding for noon. The bride got there at 12:45. Excellent. The groom and his groomsmen did not arrive back until 1:35. Even better.

So, no rehearsal, no pictures before the ceremony. The caterer was told that I was the wedding planner; so all questions should go my way. Fine, but sometimes it would be helpful if ANYONE HAD COMMUNICATED ANYTHING TO ME! I was unaware of several factors: the time food was to be served, what was being served, when/if the toast would happen, who was in charge of distributing glasses and champagne, and several more things I’ve blocked out. I was already annoyed.

While trying to bullshit together the flow of the ceremony, and figure out why NO ONE thought to bring matches or candle holders to a ceremony that revolved around unity candles, I also got to wrangle the 30 or so guests who arrived at 12:30, and expected to be entertained and refreshed. This is highly fucked up. People, I know it’s hard to time everything out perfectly. And I’m glad people thought ahead and allowed extra time in case traffic sucked. However, you are never, and I mean no exceptions, never allowed to show up and hour and a half before the event. Drive around, find a bookstore, hang out in the parking lot, whatever. Just don’t get in the way and start DRINKING before the event has begun. It’s low class, and rude.

So, we had a flower girl who was very shy and no one had told her what she would be doing, so that took a lot of convincing. I quite literally had to shove the bridesmaids and groomsmen out of the house to get them walking down the aisle. Then, I had to yell at the bride and her father to GET THEIR ASSES WALKING! (There was almost a two-minute gap between the last bridesmaid and the bride. Awkward). I mean, have these people never seen a wedding? Even on tv? I thought this was all pretty basic. First you go, then she goes, then she goes. Then the bride goes. No, don’t stop walking until you reach the altar. No, you can’t sit down after that.

So, I missed half the ceremony while sorting out the caterers, and organizing the wedding party, Sheesh. I think most people there assumed I was a paid wedding planner, NOT a family member, and kept looking at me funny every time I tried to sit during the ceremony, or eat the meal. It was kind of strange. I’m sure everyone thought I was the worst wedding planner ever.

About halfway through the reception, I caught Step Grandma lecturing the groom about him drinking. So, I grabbed the groom, shoved him the other direction, and promptly told SG, “Leave him alone. Let him enjoy his day. Aunt can drive, since she’s not drinking. Get off his back, now.” And that seemed to do the trick.

I did get several apologies from SG over the course of the day, but by that point, I didn’t want to hear it anymore. If you knew you were saying mean hateful things, why didn’t you just stop? Saying you’re sorry now doesn’t mean shit. You still walked all over me for two months.

I kept asking the bridesmaids and groomsmen to help with things, they would all nod and say, “ok” then ignore me for the rest of the day. They did not do one fucking thing to help. They showed up, ate the food, drank the beer, smoked EVERYWHERE and never raised a finger to help anyone. And on top of everything else, they complained about things. Little things, but with a group as useless as they were, who couldn’t do anything to help while their “dearest friends” got married, it was more than I could take. I didn’t yell at them, that would have really hurt the bride and groom, but I think my eyerolling got the point across just as well.

I was ready to leave by 4 pm, but couldn’t since the music had to leave with me. So, I toughed it out until about 6, then I just couldn’t deal anymore, and most everything had been torn down and put away. (Speaking of which, what is with people my age watching everyone else helping to move chairs, and not helping? Like, we were employees and their job was to just stand there and drink? I kind of hate people my age right now.) So, I was home, fed and passed out cold by 7 pm. I woke up at 8 am. It was glorious. I spent the last two days sitting on my ass, letting Xtian take care of me. Of course, now he needs a vacation, but that’s what he gets for marrying me.

So, that’s the long-winded retelling of the wedding day. Enjoy. I’m still tired.

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