Monday, March 5, 2007


I just dare you to read that and not feel your ovaries scream. Maybe it’s just me. I’ve wanted children longer than I can even remember. I don’t remember really ever daydreaming about getting married, or having a husband. That wasn’t a necessary part for me. But one thing I knew: I was going to be a mom. It’s been an unwavering need, no matter what was going on in my life. Not that I wanted to do it on my own. I've known single parents, and how hard it is. It is a necessity for some, but not my ideal.

One might argue that it was my Mormon upbringing that instilled this drive to procreate. Maybe so, but that doesn’t diminish the need. By the age of 20, I was desperately working to get my life to a place where I could have a kid. I thought I was going to marry a man who was vastly inappropriate for me. (Not a bad person, just nobody that I would want as a life partner). Once that ended, I could step outside and realize that this man wasn’t “parent” material. At least, wouldn’t be for at least a decade.

During a rather innocuous conversation with Jen, she said something so simple, so on point, I almost didn’t recognize it as the wisdom it is. “If I want to have children, I should be looking for a partner who can be a father.” Maybe everyone else in the world already figured that one out, but its stark truth really hit me.

I took that advice to heart and started dating with more purpose. Not desperate, but trying to see more clearly what I needed in a partner and a co-parent, and what that partner needed in me. Even more importantly for me, I wasn’t letting myself fall into the exclusivity trap. (Since I was 14, I would meet a guy, we’d hang out a few times, then we were TOGETHER. For years). I actually dated. Non-exclusively. I went out on dates; I talked to men and tried to understand them. Most of them I knew were not people I wanted as partners. But, in the meantime, I could have some fun without worrying that we weren’t progressing toward parenthood quickly enough.

It was shortly after that I started dating Xtian. The whole story with Xtian is covered extensively in the archives, so I’ll spare you the boring details. What was different about Xtian? He was the man I wanted to make babies with. He was the one I wanted to pick out baby names with, argue about childrearing philosophies with. And since we’ve been together, we’ve shared that desire. There’s nothing more I want from life than to watch my husband hold our child.

My whole body is shouting at me to make babies with this beautiful, kind man. It is for this reason that the amount of time it is taking hurts so badly. Why I can’t think about much else. It makes my heart hurt that it just might not happen for us. That may seem over reactionary to some, hell it’s only been 6 months. But the doubt and the fear is there. And I can’t get away from it.

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