Friday, January 5, 2007

Here we go again.

Ah, the headache is upon us. But we couldn’t leave for the weekend without a quick story.

So, Xtian got his mother and brother, respectively, gift cards for Xmas, and I got his brother a book. I certainly wasn’t going to give her anything, for fear it would re-ignite the “relationship.” But Xtian signed my name to the card. They received their gifts the day after Xmas (since they only have a PO box and it’s closed on holidays). When Xtian’s presents arrived without any mention of me, I was relieved. In the back of my head was fear that something awkward, nasty or embarrassing to Xtian would go down.

Well, evidently, Xtian’s need to sign my name to the card inspired his mother to get me something. A few days after Xmas, his mother called him to ask what I like. He told her I like books, and was really into a few authors. (Note: easy to find authors at any used bookstore in the country). All of this was unbeknownst to me.

I got home from work yesterday to find a package from his mother. I told Xtian I’d just as soon return it, but that would really throw gas on the embers. At the very least, I wasn’t going to open it, but he was welcomed to it. Inside were two books and a movie.
Before I specify, if you’ve ever met me, heard of me, seen me on the street, you’d probably know that I love books. And by books, I mean real books. I don’t care for books of quotes, or inspirational sayings. Chicken Soup for the Whatever Soul is never on my reading list. I like books with a full storyline, whether it’s a history, biography, fiction whatever.
So, one book was a compilation of things said by Jim Henson. Not so offensive, but also, never anything another human would give me. The other was a picture book called “I Hope You Dance” based on the godawful Leanne Womack song. Again, anyone who has ever had any contact with me could place that in my top 10 “Most Retarded Things Ever Committed to Paper” list.

But here’s where it gets a little ridiculous, and hilarious. The movie. Just guess. Seriously, give it a try.

Now, from anyone else, this would have been hilarious. But my experiences with this woman lead me to believe only a few possibilities: 1. She’s never seen this movie.
2. Since she has no sense of humor, she absolutely doesn’t understand the irony and thinks I’m really into J Lo. 3. She’s showing how much worse it could be. 4. Or someone was giving away a bunch of shit at street bazaar and she didn’t even bother looking at any of it before shoving it into a shipping envelope. 5. She thinks this will be a good way to bridge the gap.

Oh, and as a fun sidenote: for a wedding present, this same woman gave me the movie “Stepford Wives.” Again, no irony included.

I just couldn’t stop laughing while Xtian systematically shredded the books and tossed the pieces into the recycling bin, and broke the movie into little tiny bits.

Part of me is really hoping that Xtian’s brother put it into the package. At least that would make sense.

And of course, it’s 4pm on a Friday, and all hell just broke loose. So, up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful Balloon.

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