Monday, January 8, 2007

No sleep and No work make Coley... something something.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Being a little tired around the edges always puts me into a contemplative frame of mind. Well, that and not having any work to do this morning. Nothing ground-shaking, nothing even remotely interesting. Little snippets and questions.

Sarah moved in this weekend, and it’s good. It’s always weird seeing your habits and ticks through new eyes. (Yes, Sarah’s known me forever. But it’s rare we spend more than a couple of days together, so it’s all kind of new ground.) Like my overwhelming need to have the toilet lid down. There’s no real reason behind it, but if I see the lid up while passing by, I have to go close it. Just the adjustments of sharing space, and I would like to emphasize that these aren’t problems, just some heightened awareness of my own foibles. It makes me keenly aware that I am annoying to live with. Xtian is a god for having lived with me for over year here.

Another tangent that’s had me going: my little sister posted a list of why Mormon’s are awesome (seems to be one of those forwards, as it’s not in her writing style at all). I read it and mostly it was silly. But, I found myself getting all wound up about it. I was ready for a fight after reading it. I’ve got nothing against actual Mormon people. My beefs are with the leadership and dogma (and what I consider to be a blatant disregard for the dignity of ALL people). But since my parents and sister are all Mormon, I find myself around Mormons a lot. And I always feel put on the spot. Like any failing in my life is due to me not being Mormon, and I have to defend my decision to leave their church. I feel like I have to justify my entire life, and it always leaves me riled up.

Again, I know this is my neurosis, but based on my experiences, and how I always heard people speak of those who’ve “fallen away” they do judge. A lot. They may talk a good game of “we love you, regardless” they play the superiority game, and the “I’m Holier Than You” game. Even when dealing with my own family, I feel like they are just biding their time. Mostly we leave the subject alone because it makes everyone feel shitty. The quiet disapproval when I sip a little coffee in my own home.

Meanwhile, I find that sometimes I’m jealous of Mormons. This usually occurs around the times of a natural disaster, or someone I know dying. Mormons are better able to take it all in stride because they seriously believe that there is a god who is in charge and gives a shit about them. I don’t have that luxury. (And yes, I do consider it a luxury in this regard). Oh, how I’ve tried to believe in something being in charge of our world. But I find that more than anything I’m just devastated by the absolute randomness and chaos in our world. I think life is easier when you do believe in something. It’s not so emotionally devastating when a 20-year-old is killed because they honestly believe they’ll see him again. Whereas all I see is senseless death and tragedy. I imagine it must be comforting to those who can believe. And that makes me pissed off at the smug, self-important idea that god will not hurt them more than they can handle. I see it a different way: life can be really shitty sometimes, and either you can handle it, or you can’t. Take a look at the crazies homeless people, if you need an example. This is the prime example of what happens when you can’t handle all the hard stuff in life anymore.

As it looks here, my feelings about religion and Mormons are complex and mostly negative. Makes family gatherings stressful.

Yeah, I need more sleep or more work to do. These thoughts just keep circling around and around. I fear far more tangents are coming my way, so I’ll stop writing now for fear of alienating all 4 people who read this.

Hopefully some more gleeful vagina stories later.

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