Wednesday, July 5, 2006


I feel like ass. I've been in a state of perpetual annoyance for a while, and now we're tacking on PMS and some of the raging-est cramps ever witnessed. I know, Xtian's a lucky man, no?

In the past I've expressed an opinion on my lovely Sarah's choice in man-companions. That opinion wasn't a very kind one (just about the men, not Sarah. She's amazing in every way, but has a limited dating pool). Well, since I have judged, I shall now judge myself. As bad as some women's choices in men may be, my choices in friends is right up there. (Again, a handful of people excluded). I would like to go on record as saying: Sarah has never been wrong about one of my friends. Years ahead of time, she could pinpoint exactly how they sucked. I've had a lifelong problem with friends. I tend to befriend users. And by Users I mean that group of people who use people. Sarah's called it every time she's seen it.
Oh, you need an example: Jill was my college roommate. Sarah got pissed every time she visited us. Kept telling me Jill treated me badly. But I never saw it since I was deep in denial and being thoroughly manipulated. But once Jill had used me all up, she dumped me. And Sarah saw it coming a mile a way.
Sarah's proven herself again. And that's all I'm saying about that.

When I lived in Milwaukee, I was responsible for taking care of everyone. I had roommates, friends, boyfriends and a brother, all of whom were unable to care for themselves, in any way. And me, being a bit controlling and an eternal frat mom, took them all in. I've been adopting strays (humans and cats) for all my life. I spent all of my limited free-time in college taking care of other people. Even when I was out drinking, if there was a problem I was in charge of fixing it. I got the 3 am phone calls when someone was out of control and had to be taken care of. I spent the nights in the bathroom with all random drunk slobs that no one else wanted to deal with. Yes, I allowed myself to be hounded into taking care of these people, but I always thought I was just being kind and treating people how I hoped to be treated. This wasn't the case.
I hadn't realized how tired I was until I left Milwaukee in the wake of a big nasty break up.
I avoided everyone not because I was sad or heartbroken, but because I didn't have the strength to take care of anyone anymore. For the first time in my life, I considered NOT having children. With as tired as I was, the thought of being a caretaker made me sick. It took a while, and a lot of time with good friends, not Users, to get over that hump.

Here's the difference between a friend and a User, friends return the favor. Friends call you when they have a problem AND when you've had a rough day. Sure, everyone needs someone to talk to about their problems. However, if you do this, you better be willing to listen to the other person's troubles as well. If you aren't able to do that, you shouldn't be talking to a friend, you should be talking to a therapist. Or at least paying your friends $100 an hour.

Once I moved across the country, I took the opportunity to stop hanging out with the types of people I associate with Users. Anyone involved in illegal drug use (beyond the VERY occassional puff puff pass), anyone who can talk about themselves for more than 10 minutes without asking someone else a question, or at least BREATHING, anyone whose stories consist solely of "So I got wasted." (Yes, drunk stories are funny, and all, but the hilarity gets used up pretty quickly, when you have a new one EVERY DAY.). These are the types of people who are unable to care about anyone other than themselves.

And I'm done. I'm not a therapist. I'm not responsible for other people's problems. I am not required to "fix" anyone other than myself. From now on, unless you are one of my few REAL friends, I'm out. I'm saving up all my emotional energy and caretaking for my husband and eventual kids.

No comments: