Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Self-Indulgence at its best

During my second year of college in Milwaukee, my then-boyfriend, whom we will call Mike (for that is his name), introduced me to a very young freshman named Meighan. Meighan was 16 when she started college, after busting her ass to graduate high school way early. She was fun, and lively and fucked up. Just my type. She quickly settled into my life, and in no time had taken to affectionately referring to me as "mama." The nickname quickly caught on, and within a few months, there were about 200 people in Milwaukee who only knew me as Mama. We spent summers together, while everyone else went home to their parents. We were close. I called her Princess.
A few years later, I had graduated and was struggling to make my life work. Mike and I were living together, my brother had moved in with us, and Meighan had changed schools, and found a job. She had cleaned up her scary drinking, and was dealing with her issues. I was so proud. We didn't get to talk as often, what with me working two jobs to support Mike, the Trust Fund Kid, and keep food on our table. But we exchanged phonecalls and visits as often as possible.
As things got worse with Mike, I found myself pulling away from everyone. When things finally ended, it wasn't angry or explosive. It was just sad. We broke up on a Wednesday, and by Saturday I had left for California. It happened quickly, and it didn't feel appropriate to call everyone to tell them what had happened. So, the Friday night before I left, Mike and I had decided to just be civil, and invited anyone we talked to over to say goodbye. When Meighan came over, I explained what had happened, and apologized for not telling her sooner.
After I left, things were weird. I lost all my stuff (didn't fit in my truck). Lost all my friends (they all stayed with Mike, by virtue of his being there) and I felt grief. I tried to stay in touch, but it quickly became clear that I was no longer needed as a friend. It was awkward all the way around.
A few months later, I emailed Meighan. I'd been thinking and dreaming about her, so thought I'd take a minute to see if she was ok. She replied quickly and apologized for ignoring all my efforts at contact. She expressed an interest in maintaining friendship. I was thrilled. Having just moved to Oakland, I hadn't met anyone and was feeling lonely.
Two emails went unanswered. Then a third. I had been unceremoniously dumped again.

After my sister left yesterday, Xtian and I declared it a naked day. We lounged on the couch, watched a Law and Order marathon, and did next-to-nothing.
A little after 4, the phone rang. As per usual, I checked the caller-id. The name was Meighan. I almost didn't answer the phone. I hadn't talked to her in a year and a half. When I finally said "hello," I still felt unsettled. Meighan explained she had just moved to Salt Lake City, and bought a house, and kept feeling like she needed to call me. She didn't know where I was living, didn't know how to reach me, so ended up just cold-calling people with my last name, and finally reached my father, who didn't give out my number, but told her I'd moved to Oakland.
I kept listening and waiting for... I don't know what I was waiting for. But I kept listening, and giving vague details about my life. I couldn't open up. I'd been burned before.
After about 20 minutes, I made an excuse and got off the phone. I can't even put names to all the things I was feeling. A little while later the phone rang again, showing Meighan on the caller-id. I didn't answer this time, I needed time to process.

Post Story:
So, when I get home tonight, I'll listen to the message she left and decide whether I want to call her back. I have no idea how I feel about this. On one hand, I have a hard time making new friends. Since moving to Oakland, I've really only made one friend. And a girl can always use more friends.
On the other hand, I don't need to spend a whole lot of time and energy getting emotionally involved with someone who's just going to drop me like a bad habit. I'm still hurt by how quickly she turned on me. It wasn't bad enough to go through a really painful breakup, apparantly. My closest friends had to leave me without any support at all. My Princess deserted me.

So, do I open myself up to this person and allow her to hurt me again? Or do I just stop answering the phone and let the issue go away? Who the fuck knows.

PS Xtian ended up NOT going to LA this weekend. Late Thursday night, his mom called and asked him if he could refund the tickets. We did so, she didn't explain what was going on at all. Leaving Xtian worried and confused and now annoyed. She called back the next day, asking if he could re-buy the tickets and come on down anyway. (This is why I bought tickets via southwest. Always get the fully refundable ones, kids. Always.) We still don't know the whole story, but Xtian decided it was best not to go down there for now. Sounds like something was going on with her housing situation, but she avoided the topic when Xtian asked her what was going on. She used her talking-nonstop-about-nothing-for-15-minutes-straight Super power to keep Xtian from asking follow-up questions.
Further proof, his mother is crazy.
So much for birthday presents.

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