Friday, January 6, 2006

Coley's having a good day! (Don't be so surprised)

I don't want to jinx it, but today feels pretty good. Most days it feels like everyone and everything is conspiring to keep me from moving forward. At least at work. Today, I had a couple of meetings (by the way, what is so hard to understand in this sentence: I don't do meetings on Fridays. For some reason, it's the only day I have meetings anymore) but even the meetings were actually good and helpful. For some reason, it all clicked today. I never got flooded with requests, and even though several things were late getting to me, I still managed to get everything done with tons of time to spare. Some days, it all just works.


After a few months of relaxing, but admittedly lame on the hip-scale, weekends, Xtian finally badgered me into have occassional dates. Meaning we get out of our pajamas, put on nice clothes, and go somewhere other than the bed or the couch. It toook some convincing, but I've come to look forward to them.

We hadn't had one in a while (Xmas and tons of family events will really kill that whole "alone time" thing) and this one is my turn to plan. Xtian chose the movie: Brokeback Mountain. Gotta give this kid credit, all he knows about it is that it's the "gay cowboy movie" and he still chose it. Fantastic. Love this kid.


I've been noticing some things for a while now, and just need to sort through them a bit. Bear with me.
When Xtian and I are alone, I don't really notice that we aren't the same. Skin color doesn't matter, and we have more in common than most other people I know (same high school, raised by similarly minded parents, oppressive and wacky childhood religions etc). But as soon as we go out in public, I'm suddenly aware of the differences. I'm not uncomfortable.... it's more that I see others staring and in nasty circumstances, glaring. Just heightened awareness, I guess is what I'm saying. (You know like you only hear a clock ticking once you start really thinking about it).
I think he feels it too, because the jokes start. Highly inappopriate jokes, that if anyone else were talking like this, I'd ask them to stop. Most jokes involve the classic "he's a large black man, and I'm a rather innocent looking white girl" thing. To us it's funny. I used to wonder if this was our way of showing our discomfort with dating outside of our "norm." But really, it feels more self-conscious or wondering about what others are thinking.
I guess we have to laugh at the potentially hurtful shit, or it would be hurtful.
I've always been a big fan of reclaiming words. The idea here is if I claim this word, you can't use it to hurt me (much in the vein of bitch and slut. I will whole heartedly admit to being a slutty bitch, so now, if someone else calls me a bitch, I can smile and say "why yes I am, how could you tell?"). I guess this is just an extension of that. And really, we may as well get some laughs out of it, better than letting every glare, every rude comment and every open hostility hurt us.

And this is in the Bay Area, a pretty progressive area. I don't even want to think about living somewhere more....conservative. I know, racism happens everywhere and all that. But I can't help thinking it's better here. Note to self: don't move to Alabama any time soon.

And with that I'm heading out. I have a date to get ready for!

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