Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Overwhelming sadness, and a couple of bitchy items. Just your average day in the life of a Coley.

Xtian noticed it, of course he did. I’m not always good at hiding how I feel. But, I’m getting better at it.
Xtian knows of my insatiable baby-lust. He’s known about it from the beginning, I told him point-blank: I want kids, really soon. He told me point-blank: I’m not ready yet, but do want kids, in a little while. For some reason, we both thought the other would change their minds, or get into the other’s mindset. Well, we haven’t.

It started Friday night. We were having a mellow night, since I had to be up early for my blood tests. A good dinner, a couple of drinks, followed by a heady conversation involving children, marriage and timing. I know what he’s saying is logical and makes sense and he’s just being honest with me. But it hurts. The last words spoken before exhaustion and booze took over:
Xtian: Will having kids make you happy?
Me: I don’t know, but not having them will make me miserable.
Pretty soon after that, we both passed out. It had been a very long day.

When we woke up on Saturday, I was feeling out of sorts. I had a million thoughts running in my head. In its extremist way, my brain had decided this was a choice between the man I love and the children I want to have.(Even more complex than that was this fun stream: I want kids, but if Xtian isn’t ready soon I might have missed my increasingly small window of opportunity, so I should start looking for someone else. But, aren’t I closer to having kids by being with this man? What if I never find a man whose ready for kids? I could have kids alone, but why make that decision if I don’t have to? But what if I commit to Xtian, and he’s never ready for kids…) But, that’s how I felt all day. Thinking back to my prior relationships, I found some striking similarities. Specifically, the whole both-people-stating-their-needs/desires-but-believing-the-other-person-will-convert-to-your-needs-without-a-fight thing. I remembered how when the Ex and I broke up, the exact conversation went like this:
Him: So, I don’t want kids for at least 10 years.
Me: Then I don’t want to get married.
Him: Then we should probably figure out if we should still be together.
Needless to say, it did not end in a big hug and a promise of undying love.

I had a hard time getting outside of my own head. All I could tell Xtian was that I had some things on my mind, but wasn’t ready to talk about them yet. The remainder of the weekend was spent much in the same way, with sporadic discussions. Finally, it dawned on me. The only way I’ll be able to live anywhere near peacefully is to give up wanting kids. This might sound insane, but in the same way I have to convince myself that nothing will go my way so that I’m surprised when it does, it might keep me sane.

So, I’m mourning the children I may never have. No more admiring children on the street, no more daydreams about children, no more planning. It just hurts too much. I’d rather feel the sharp pain of a few months/years than the dull ache for my entire life.

This is what I’m getting good at hiding. No one would guess that my heart is broken and drained. All I have to do is smile, make some sarcastic jokes and never let anyone talk to me for too long. The only thing I haven’t learned how to fake: interest in sex. Xtian and I had fallen into a routine of doing it at least once a day. I know he notices that, but I don’t want to feel close to anyone right now. I don’t want to talk about anything of more consequence than football, I don’t want to hug anyone, and I don’t want to hold his hand. I don’t want to snuggle in bed, or on the couch, and I certainly don’t want to kiss him. It’s hard to be attracted to anything or anyone when your whole soul aches.

I think I only have a day or two left before he figures out anything is different.

And because I’m me, I’m going to bitch about a few more things.

My new lady boss REALLY believes I’m her personal assistant, and not only that she believes that she can “lend” me out to other executives to do bullshit work for them. Would it be a CLM (that’s Career Limiting Move) to send her a copy of my job description? Probably. Damn.

I know that new people are not inherently bad. I know that. But they keep ASKING me for things. Things I don’t know. And EVERYONE at work is reinforcing this misguided, totally condescending belief that “Coley knows how to do just EVERYTHING. Just ask her.” I hate power games. And this is a big one. Like celebrities who believe they are so famous, they need handlers to get through a day. Ri-goddamn-diculous.

I know, you never thought I would bitch about candy did you? Ok, well it's not really candy so much as bullshit marketing.
Don't you love when your candy conveys inspiring/philosophical thoughts to you? The candy that I just ate instructed me:

Laugh uncontrollably, it clears the mind.

Now, if I were to actually do as the candy instructed, I'd be removed from the premises and given some "personal time." Come to think of it, not such a bad idea....hmmmmmm....

Poor Xtian is at the dentist today. Our dentist has the worst teeth I’ve seen on anyone not homeless. Seriously. I know, everyone talks about how bad dentists breath tends to be, but I've been to a number of dentists in my time, and this guy wins the "Nastiest Teeth EVER" award. We are talking brown and snaggletoothed. And his voice sounds like Kermit The Frog. Either one of these together would not be hilarious, but with these two combined have made Dr. Albertson a favorite subject of mockery in our home. I’ll be brushing my teeth, Xtian will walk in and say in his best Kermit voice “hello there. I’m Dr. Albertson, you have far better teeth than I.” Then I promptly spit toothpaste all over the bathroom as I try not to giggle myself to death.

I know, that isn’t funny to anyone but me. Screw you. It’s my site. If you don’t like it, stop reading. Right now. I mean it, don’t read another word!

Ok, good, lost all the people who don’t understand a good “you had to be there” moment.

So, my old manager/coworker friend from Milwaukee is coming to the Bay! I’m so excited I haven’t seen this girl in over a year, and I can’t wait. We had some good, riotous, Milwaukee drinking times during our short tenure as coworkers. Unfortunately, the weekend she’s coming to town is also Journey weekend!! What is a girl to do? The answer of course, is to not sleep all weekend, drive countless hours, drink an inordinate amount and enjoy the debauchery. Hang on tight ladies and gentlemen. This could lead to some fabulous hilarity. Or not. Either way, I’m sure I’ll write pages upon pages about it here. Read at your own peril.

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