Monday, August 22, 2005

Doin' it, and doin' it and doin' it well.

Ok, I love getting comments, but I swear, if someone leaves another stupid advertisement on my blog, I will hunt you down and pluck every hair from your body! I've deleted you, asshole!
Whew, now that that's taken care of.....

So, one of the most fabulous weekends in fabulosity's history. I hate chronological breakdowns, but really, it's just easier. I'll try to keep it brief (I know, when have I ever kept anything brief)

Friday: Got home from work, bought 5 bottles of wine for me a Xtian. Drank 1-2 bottles of wine while making then eating dinner. Lamb is delicious. Always. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Attempted a late night of snuggling/loving/talking to Xtian, and promptly fell asleep at 11 pm, which, admittedly, is pretty damn good for me. I loves me my sleep.

Saturday: Woke up, loving, breakfast in bed, shower, loving, then off to meet Jen for lunch. A total girlfriends lunch ensued, complete with shoe shopping (Ok, I bought Converse, but it's a big step for me). We were wandering around chatting and shopping, then looked at the time and said "Holy shit, it's 4:30!" Went home, did the household shopping. Let me keep you from making the same mistake I did, never go shopping after consuming 60 ounces of Diet Coke. Just trust me on this one. No one really needs to see Target's bathrooms.
Finally, got home for the evening. Attempted to watch Moulin Rouge. Didn't work out. Drinking mojitos all night. Loving, then more loving.

Sunday: Did not leave the house. Stayed in underwear/pajamas all day. Lounged around, lived the life of my cats. I have to say, it was wholly satisfying. Xtian and I just watched crappy teevee/movies and talked and snuggled all day. Work today is a total letdown.

WARNING!! Somewhat graphic sex talk to follow. Just scroll down if you are weak of heart.

So, I mentioned that much of my weekend revolved around loving. If I may get graphic:
HOLY CRAP! 5 times in less than 24 hours, complete with total porn-style get it on all over the house. Totally hot.
A. Ma. Zing.

Of course, now my special area is so tender I can't believe it. And I think Xtian has a hernia. Seriously. So, amazing doing-it all weekend, but now lasting medical issues. Was it worth it?

Fuckin' right.

You know, I bitch about how my extra weight makes me feel unsexy to the Nth degree, and how I feel gross, and how I'm soooo nasty who could ever love me. Then I come home to a gorgeous man who gets aroused when I walk by him. Can you say "ego stroke?" It's been a while since I've been lusted after, and I must say, I do enjoy it. In fact, I can't wait to get home....


So, my old boss, DW, is apparantly not my boss anymore. Thanks for letting me know, people! Anyhow, since I've taken over doing Jen's job, I've been a little....oh what is the word....stressed. DW sits on the other side of the cube wall and has heard nothing but silent typing and quiet cussing for the last few weeks. Most people leave me the hell alone, which is awesome, but about once a week, DW wanders over and timidly asks me "how are you doing?" I think he's afraid I'll throw something at him. And there have been times that I might have.

CB is still the subject of much annoyance and defensive laughter. At least most of the phonecalls have stopped. I still got one on Friday that lasted 20 minutes. All the while, my other line is flashing, and I'm saying "CB, I have another call......I have to just...." she had no idea. I forget that some people really aren't aware that others exist or have needs. Jen refers to her as the Human Irritant. I think that's pretty succinct.


I'm going hiking today with Jen. I'm so looking forward to it. I've had no physical exercise aside from walking to work and sex for weeks.

Mmmmmmm, more girlfriend time. I'm so looking forward to it. I've written previously of my former distaste for female companionship. My little sister is going through some girl-on-girl violence right now. I never had it as bad as she does (damaging property, threatening phonecalls etc) thankfully. I remember the "best friend who suddenly hates you for no reason", the "tell me all your secrets so I can tell everyone else" the "I'm going to tear you down so badly you'll never fully recover your feelings of selfworth" etc. What happens to us women? Who taught us that we are supposed to be fiercely cruel to eachother as young girls/teens? Our whole lives set us up to distrust women, making us more dependent on men, at least that's what happened with me.

All my female friends hurt me constantly, so I ran into the arms of any man who would have me. But at least they were open with their shit. Even years later, in college, I had just started to trust women again thanks to my old roommate. But after three years or pretty happy living, I read her blog one day and found out that she was moving out. I never got a reason, I never got to find out why. We never argued, so I never had a chance to change things that bothered her, then she would get pissed that I kept pissing her off. I loved her and would have done anything for her, and in fact did. So, no more close females for a few years. Now that I'm spending time with amazing women who are strong and wonderful and love me and are not looking for how to use me up and throw me away, I wonder if it was even possible to have these relationships as a young girl.

I had a dream a few weeks ago. I know, no one wants to hear about other people's dreams, but fuck you, this is my blog. In this dream all the women/girls that I loved until they hurt me/screwed me over and I were at a wedding/baby shower. At first I was really uncomfortable with them there. After a while, we're all having a couple drinks, and things get looser, in fact I'm even talking to my old roommate. We're reminiscing and having a good talk. Towards the end of the night, I'm looking around and thinking that my life right now is good. The more I talk to others about "what I'm up to" the more I realize that somehow everything in my life brought me to this place where things are finally good.
My old roommate corners me before I leave, and tearfully tells me how much she loves and misses me, and how hard the last few years have been for her. I feel bad that she's obviously hurting, but I feel nothing. In my dream, I've realized how much better my life is without her, without all of them.

I woke up with a smile on my face. I was finally over the heartbreak.

My heart breaks for my sister. I'm filled with rage that these girls are making her world scary and bad. I have dreams of beating them with clubs, tearing them apart with my own two hands. And god help them if I ever see them in person, they will never recover from what my anger will allow me to do. I only hope that this does not last longer than it already has, and that my beautiful, kind, amazing sister finds women who will love her and friends who aren't looking to destroy her earlier than I did.


Ok, now that I'm all teary eyed and choked up, I think it's time to close. Have a fabulous day.

And Congratulations to Kristin on her family addition! My envy is only slightly less than my second hand joy for another beautiful human in the world.

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