Thursday, August 25, 2005


I’m in a funk. I got home last night, and went online to find a website I had been to earlier. I made the mistake of looking at my internet history. Shouldn’t have done that, at least not with the mood I was in. The history for yesterday alone was 90 % porn. I don’t have a problem with porn, I doesn’t bother me at all if Xtian uses my computer to look at porn. So, why did it bother me so much?

Glad you asked. The neurosis that had been at bay for a while is back with a vengeance. Xtian and my sex life has been mostly on hold for the last few days. After this weekend, everything hurts for both of us. So, we’ve been making an effort not to have sex for a few days to allow everything to heal. But in my current state of wavering on the edge of the depressive side of my personality, clearly the porn on my computer means that I don’t do it for him, he’s totally disgusted by me and can only manage to fake interest in me by looking at prettier, skinnier, bustier women. And beyond that, if things don’t work with Xtian, do I have the energy to try again? What if it doesn’t work, will I ever have kids? Will I have kids even if it does work out? And if I don’t have children, that leaves work. What if I never find a job that I feel proud of and don’t dread going to every day? What if this is the best it gets for me? My life isn’t bad, but I feel like I don’t ask that much out of life, and I get even less. For all the effort I put into everything, I get shit back.

So I spent all night pretending I hadn’t seen anything; that nothing was out of the ordinary. I felt a meltdown hovering, but I wasn’t giving in. I don’t like admitting negative emotions. Admitting that something hurt you, made you angry, upset you in any way is giving power to the other person. Now they know more buttons to push. They know what to do to break you.

But that’s all beside the point. I tried to be pleasant and jovial all night. We made dinner, watched part of Season 1 of Scrubs (by the way, I have such a crush on Zach Braff. Something about his gooberiness and lips like rosebuds. Mmmmmm). I just couldn’t shake my mood all night. Xtian kept trying to snuggle and be sweet, and all I could do was bitch at him. At least I recognized that I was being a bitch and apologized, but I couldn’t stop. Everything was wrong, everything was a tragedy. I tried to explain to Xtian that I was just in a funk, and there was nothing anyone could do. He didn’t get it, but how could he be expected to? When hearing that your girlfriend is on the verge of tears, rage and maniacal laughter, how do you deal with that?

I’m done trying to explain. I’m finished with it. I can’t shake this weight off my heart, and I don’t know where it came from. No, it’s not seeing that my boyfriend looks at porn while I’m at work. That just got the ball rolling. My heart is aching and I don’t know why.

Moving on to more practical matters: Two big stresses going on right now.

  1. I have a one on one meeting with my new boss (to whom I STILL have yet to speak). I’m always nervous talking to a boss. I used to work for this guy who made me account for each second of my day, then we would discuss it every week. I felt like I had to justify my job everyday. And being put on the spot like that makes me forget everything I do every week. When the words “so, how do you spend your time?” are uttered, my brain is empty. I spend several moments stuttering about web reports, and providing random assistance on larger projects. I hate that crap. I feel like I’m interviewing for my job again. And while I don’t like my job, in fact dread coming to work every morning, I do need the money. Damn it.
    Which brings me to stress number...
  2. After taking a hard look at my finances, I’ve discovered that I’m drowning slowly. I’m not in any immediate trouble, but this can’t go on for much longer before it actually hurts me. And I can’t talk to Xtian about it, because he already feels icky about not having a job, and this would be hurtful to him. The last thing I want to do is push my stress onto him. And it’s not his fault I’m drowning. I don’t know how to say “no.” I’m still in debt from my ex running up my credit cards, then stiffing me on everything, on top of that, I keep having out of town guests who want to “go out” which invariably means spend money. And it’s no one’s fault but my own. I am not great with money.

Perhaps I’m schvitzing because Xtian and I just filled out our “domestic partnership” legal papers so Xtian can have health insurance. It feels weird filling out legal papers for a relationship. Like I’m a Registered Girlfriend or something. Oh shit. I don’t know.

I’m feeling…..tired. Of everything. I know life is supposed to be hard, and my life is far from the hardship others deal with. But why do I feel ready to be done with it already? I’m ready to be an old woman, surrounded by grandchildren. Maybe my sister is right. Maybe I am just an old woman born into the body of a 23 year old.

Fuck this. I need to shake this mood off. I can’t keep functioning on the verge of tears. The last thing I need to do is burst into sobs in my first meeting with my new boss. And that is precisely where this is all heading.

Think happy thoughts for me. I’ll be back to normal soon, I promise. Come back then for more fun stories of vaginas and assholes I work with.

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