Monday, July 11, 2005

Fidelity and Fat

Just to cement my title as Reigning Champion of Mood Swings, I offer you, my weekend.

Left for Chico Thursday afternoon, feeling like complete ass. I hadn't been able to talk to Xtian about infidelity allegations. Before leaving, I find a message on my answering machine from Xtian. The message informs me that he will be back in town on Saturday afternoon. Excellent. Two and a half days to stew about the whole thing. I can't wait.

I drove all the way to Chico in under 2.5 hours, and don't remember a moment of it. I was too busy having imaginary conversations between me and Xtian, me and Melody, me and Sarah after I've found out I'm being cheated upon and have killed Melody. Good times. Again, I have a vivid imagination and endless amounts of self-doubt. I arrived in Chico having fully convinced myself that of course Xtian is seeing someone else, and that she is obviously better than me in every way.

Sarah, being one of the greatest people I know, informs me that we are going out that night. So, out to get drunk on a Thursday. College all over again. The night begins with 5 ladies, slutted out (well, as slutty as I can look. I've become completely convinced that I always look like the "cool mom" that hangs out with 20-somethings and tries to look hot.) drinking Peach teas with way too much vodka. We play bar dice for a while, which was a new experience for me. Now, here is a game I can roll with. It takes no skill whatsoever and allows me to show off my less-than-stellar math ability.

While sitting in Panamas, my friend Sean walks in. I almost didn't see him because a be-mulleted schmuck at the next table kept trying to insinuate himself into our conversation. I see Sean and have already yelled to get his attention when I realize his girlfriend is in tow. Damn. I have nothing agains this girl, in fact I've only ever seen her twice. But, she hates me and has forbidden Sean from being friends with me. This girl's insecurity makes me look almost sane. As soon as Sean realizes I'm yelling at him, he and girlfriend walk over, where he distinctly talks to everyone BUT me. Girlfriend feigns friendliness, which I find irksome, but whatever. Sarah decides we need to leave so that I may drink without feeling awkward.

We wander over the Bear, and I'm just trying to regain my composure and pretend that I'm not completely upset about the Xtian situation. Sarah keeps looking at me, and she knows. So, we determine we will get rip-roaring drunk and dance like the sluts we've always been. Drinks in hand, we head upstairs to find an empty dancefloor. This simply would not do. Sarah grabs my hand, and we're off, shaking our asses. After a handful of songs, we are sweating up a storm (remember, this is Chico, where at 11 pm it's approximately 99 degrees outside, let alone on a now-crowded dancefloor) so we head to the back patio to air out. I'm standing in the walkway trying to regroup the trail of girls we're leading, when Sarah turns to me and just says "Melody." I turn around in time to see Melody dancing up to us, because, clearly, we are all great friends. She starts talking to us, but all I can do is stand still and think "don't beat the hell out of her. Don't beat the hell out of her." Finally I gather my composure, take Sarah by the hand and say, "we need to be not here now" as a means of excusing ourselves. That was the end of any fun I was going to have.

Spent Friday doing anything to keep from driving myself further to the brink of insanity. The imaginary conversations now are all between the He's-Never-Lied-To-You-Trust-Him portion of my brain and the rest of me which firmly beleives that I am not worthy of love, no man will ever be true to me and why would a man like Xtian ever waste his time on a bitch like me. Yes, I know. I am entirely batty.

Finally, it's Saturday. My sister's softball team got bumped out of the tournament, which was a bummer, but all and all, I think she was ok about it. It occurs to me that the date was July 9. Wow, it was supposed to have been my wedding day. And marks one year for the break up of my former engagement. The day has a strange feel already.

Xtian called and invited me to a bar-b-que at his house. After first arriving to an empty house, leaving all pissed off, returning to find that Xtian had been in the shower, I found that he had roommates home. I'm searching for any way to get him alone to "have a talk." Finally, I just say "so, you want to leave?" We ended up driving through the park. This whole time, he's acting kind of standoffish, which, in my head, becomes, he knows he's busted and now he's going to break it off.

I tell him what Sarah said. I apologize for even needing to ask, tell him he's never given me any reason not to trust him, but damn it I just need to hear it from him. And he tells me exactly what I already knew: that he had been seeing someone just before we got together, but that it ended before we started. So, I felt better. I knew from the beginning he's too much of a good man to do that, and he had no reason to lie about it in the beginning, and Melody is just a terrible person.

We decide it's time to change the subject. And he asks if his face is bad. Duh, he's all standoffish and weird because half his face is paralyzed. I'm such an ass. Here I am all concerned with what's bothering me, that I forgot how self-conscious and freaked he is about that. Poor kid, probably thought I was upset because of that.

The rest of the evening was very pleasant. Even the roommate who hates me was nice to me. He had a couple of lady friends coming over, so he was on good behavior. And, it being Chico, one of the lady friends was best friends with Cory, a guy I dated when I was 17. Her name, of course, is also Sarah. My life is surrounded by Jens and Sarahs. (Tangent Time: Coworker Friend Jen just IMed me to let me know that she's in a grumpy mood. So clearly, I grabbed my water bottle, threw some water droplets at her while yelling "The Power of Christ compels you!" *sigh* I'm priceless) Anyhow, back to the story. I haven't seen Sarah since Cory and I stopped seeing eachother. Upon seeing me and taking a minute to recognize me, she screams "You look fabulous! The last time I saw you, you were so thin it was awful. You look just great!" Which is the first time anyone has said that about my weight.

Most of the people I know now only have seen how heavy I am now, so don't necessarily understand my unhappiness with current weight. Prior to college I maintained an admittedly disgusting 115 pounds, on a 5 foot 6 inch athletic frame. Granted I weigh officially too much now, but most people who knew me at my thinnest will admit that I look...not as good. It was nice to hear someone who knew me thin thinking I actually look ok. Granted she could have just been bullshitting, but honestly, I'll take it. Of course now that I'm back in Oakland, I start looking at pictures before I gained weight. And I miss being skinny. I know, it's bad, it's dangerous etc. But the eating disorder days are remembered with an almost-fondness. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to eat, enjoy eating and not compulsively working out to the point of fright, but I do miss being thin.

I hate to admit that. I want to be an empowered woman who embraces my body and doesn't feel shame when looking in the mirror, or feel the need to make self-depracating jokes about my body in order to beat others to the punch. The sad thing is, I'm still not that big. I know this. While my weight seems really high, I'm still only a size 10. I'm still smaller than average. But I used to be a size 5, a 6 if "really bloated." And I hated myself then for not being smaller. I've been trying to get ok with myself at my current size. And I thought I was doing ok, until a person gives me a compliment. Which honestly just reminded me of how big I've become. I hate this shit. When will it end? When will I be able to be comfortable in my own skin? When will I be able to see myself, not my body's imperfections? I can't seem to shake it.

Although, as Sarah, my friend not the girl above, told me this weekend "You know, for as fat as you think you are, you still have at least two other girls terrified that they're boyfriends will leave them for you." That, dear people, is a good friend.

My apologies for the bouncing topics, but mood fluctations are high today. Tally-ho.

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