Thursday, July 7, 2005

Just when you thought it was going so well.

I still haven't finished processing this, but since this page serves as my free therapy session, you all get to be privy to my innermost insanity/neuroses. Welcome to the processing....

Sarah called me last night while I was talking to Xtian. She sounded upset, and asked if I was talking to Xtian. When I said I was, she asked if I could get off the phone. Of course I dropped him off the line.

Sarah sounded shaken/nervous and apologized for interrupting, but she needed to tell me something and it involved Xtian. A former friend of ours, Melody (Melody deserves a tangent here. Melody was a friend of mine for about a year. I was 17, still not eating anything, hated the way I looked, and pretty much hated everything about myself. When I met Melody, I thought she was beautiful. So did she. She spent a few months building me up, telling me good things about myself. I started to believe that maybe I wasn't as ugly as I had previously thought. Once I started to feel good about me, I started to notice that Melody was not perfect. About this time, Melody took to tearing me down again. My favorite instance: She told me I was exotic looking. I took this as a compliment, although, since I'm just a standard white girl with brown hair, I don't really see the "exotic." But whatever. A few weeks later, we're all hanging out in a group of about 10 people. Some guy brings up a model whom he has a celebrity-crush on, calls her exotic. Melody sneers and replies that "exotic" just means ugly, but foreign-looking. This is how she operates. Queen of the backhanded comment, Empress of talking behind your back. We haven't been friends since high school. I've laid eyes on her once in four years.)
Anyhow, Melody has taken to talking to Sarah about my relationship with Xtian, since she's known Xtian since high school, and remains a peripheral friend of his group. So far, it's been limited to snide comments: "Oh, I've known Xtian throughout all of his various....looks." But she's moved on to telling Sarah that Xtian is seeing someone else. She couches it in terms of "I was concerned for Nicole, so I looked into it and Sean said that he was sure Nicole didn't know about the other woman." But told Sarah not to tell me. Of course Sarah, being my love, realizes it may be total bullshit, but won't withhold from me.

So now, I'm stuck. Crushed and stuck. I've never had any reason to doubt Xtian, he's been completely upfront with me about everything. And I know that Melody has no reason to tell the truth. However, now the seed of doubt is planted.

Simplest scenario: Melody is full of shit. If I bring up the allegation to Xtian, it makes the allegation real, which I don't like. I also don't want to hurt Xtian with bullshit accusations. So, he tells me of course he's not seeing anyone else. And now he's angry that I don't trust him. (Also, I have a feeling Melody has been talking to Xtian about me, so maybe he relays this information and we all have a good laugh about what a terrible person she is.)

Icky Scenario: Melody is right, and Xtian is seeing someone else. Either he fesses up and admits it, leaving us.....I don't know where. Or he lies. And has been lying since day one.

I've never been given any reason to doubt Xtian, and never any reason to trust Melody. But either way, I'm the asshole in this situation. I'm a fool who's being cheated upon or an untrusting bitch who will probably lose him because I doubt him. I can't win.

I realize that Melody is a toxic person. She excells at tearing people down in order to make her feel better about herself. And I realize that she probably feels more than a little inadequate, since she still hasn't finished school, lives with her mom, and continues to date the same guy for years. She takes her revenge on her life's mediocrity by cheating on her boyfriend any chance she gets, and destroying as many women as she can. I know this. I've tried to get her entirely out of my life, but she seems to find a way back in. I'm never going to be small enough that she feels she can leave me alone.

And for some reason, I can't find the confidence to confront her. And I can't seem to get far enough away to avoid her. I'm totally fucked. And playing right into her poison.

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