Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Weekend Visitors and Giggly Wine Drinking

How's it? Lot's to talk about, but haven't been ready to yet. Xtian came down for the weekend, and all my neurosis was for nought. Had a splendid time, wandering around Oakland, hanging out with my darling friend and her friends. Such a good time, I had a hard time returning him to Chico. Most of the time we kind of hermitted ourselves in my apartment, doing some light-speed intimacy-type conversations.

It's been a long time since I've felt comfortable laying it all out in front of someone else, and having them do the same. Did we agree on everything? Of course not. But were general life goals and philosophies in sync? Yes, actually. It felt good to be entirely honest regarding feelings for eachother. The general tone: cautiously optimistic. *whew* at least I know I'm not the only hoping for, and generally foreseeing a future.

We even discussed the whole interracial couple thing. While it's a nonissue for me, I definitely noticed some looks and glares while we walked around holding hands (yeah, seriously were the most obnoxiously cute couple all weekend, holding hands, not really noticing anyone else existed. I normally try to run over those couples, but there I was, one of them) and so did he. But, it feels like my family is supportive, and his family is supportive, so this can be an issue that is external. Just when you think the world is slowly getting more accepting, walk around holding the hand of someone of a different race and people openly stare and throw dirty looks. As a white woman, I haven't had to personally deal with racism. It's a problem that has always been close to my heart, but never had to deal with ignorance being applied to me. That's all over. I have to learn how to not beat the hell out of bigots.

I often joke that I need a cabana boy. Someone whom I don't have to pay, but will just hang out at my house and periodically rub me down with oil. I've joked that if Xtian were willing to change his name to Paolo, he could fill the position. Well, he refuses to change his name, but he's moving in at the end of July.
I'll repeat that so I can be sure you didn't miss it: He is moving in, with me, at the end of July.

There are a few emotions happening here: Happiness and Excitement. I really like this guy and am pretty sure another L-word is on its way to slipping out, but I'm trying hard not to let fly with that so soon. It felt good and really comfortable to have him in my home.
The other emotions: Cautious and FREAKED! Oh my god, I just met this guy, officially, a year ago, have only been talking to him regularly since March, and have only been actually dating for a month and a half. OH MY GOD!

At least he is the one who made the final decision. We talked all around it then finally brought it all into real terms and "this is what we are talking about" specificity. I've lived with a lover before, and honestly, I like it. It works for me. However, since not much changes for me (Instead, for him, he moves away from his friends, to another city, three hours away and in with a lady friend for the first time) in this situation, I made him make the final call. We talked about hypotheticals all weekend, and when I left him in Chico, reminded him that nothing has to be decided for a while, so no worries. If it doesn't happen now, we'll just continue on as before.

I drove back home to Oakland, already lonely. Which is different. I love my family and friends, but usually when I have weekend guests, I'm ready for them to leave after a couple of days. Not this time. My home felt empty. I had promised to call Xtian when I made it home (three hours of sleep what?) safely, which I did. We chatted for a few minutes then hung up. I spent the rest of the evening returning phonecalls I had ignored all weekend, then went to bed. My phone rings at 10:30. Most people I know don't call me this late, as they have all heard the stories of my crazy nights where I'm in bed at 9 pm. But caller ID shows Xtian's number.

Xtian admits that he has had a drink, but this has nothing to do with that. I'm utterly confused at this point, having been half asleep when the phone rang and all. Then he tells me that he'd like to move in, if it's still ok with me. (Tangent: the boy is so nice, it might get annoying, but only because I'm kind of a bitch. But really, he's just so damn sweet, who could ever deny the boy anything? Certainly not this girl) Of course it's still ok with me. And suddenly we are talking logistics. He sounds frightened, but excited. His stuff starts getting moved within a month. Kind of freaked, but really happy.

Now for the really fun part: telling my parents. They reacted well enough when Mike and I moved in together, but we had also been together for almost two years when that happened. I'm not really sure how they will react. Hopefully, they will realize that for me, this is a step toward all the things they want for me (marriage, YIKES! family etc.) and be ok with it. His mother, I'm fearing. Mothers and their sons are a very special thing, and I'm a little worried that she will get on a plane, fly to Oakland, and beat the hell out of me. Oh well, you can't live life afraid of what people will think. Fuck that shit anyway.

Jen and I had another delightful evening last night. Trip to Whole Paycheck, followed by mojitos and making a kick ass dinner, drinking a bottle of wine and giggling and talking all night.

You know, I may not like the actual job portion of my job, but I think it's well worth it to have met and grown a friendship with Jen. Even if this job eventually sucks the life out of me, I have a friend.

Sorry, getting a little sentimental in my old age (or something....). Gotta run and actually start working. *sigh*

No comments: