Friday, June 10, 2005

Battle of the Parking Structure: AKA Yesterday Morning Sucked Ass

So, I must write about the most ridiculous morning I've experienced in a long time. I hate to get all Seinfeld or Office Space, but sometimes the most mundane things can royally fuck up your day.

I had two doctor's appointments yesterday, the first was at 9:30 am, the second at 11: 15 am. Both offices had warned me repeatedly to register at least 15 minutes prior to the actual appointment. I guess they do this so that you have to wait for even longer. I don't think I've ever had an on time doctor's appointment. I think it's the reception staff that just gets a kick out of making people sit in boring rooms with nothing to do save read Time magazines from October 1995. But I digress.

My first appointment was to be fitted for contact lenses. I have horrible vision. Really, really bad. Seriously, when I went for my eye exam a few weeks ago the Opthamologist looked at my old prescription and said "wow, that's quite a prescription there. Ever thought about surgery?" Yeah, if a guy who deals with blind people makes a comment like that, it can't be good. Anyhow, I've been wearing some form of the same frames for about 4 years. I call them my Clark Kent or mousy secretary glasses. Heavy black frames that are somewhat "mod." But I'm realizing more and more that I hide behind these glasses. People only look at the glasses, not at me, which is comforting for someone as neurotic and crazy as I. (wow, so just call me Random Tangent Girl today, sorry folks, I'll try to keep it a little more on topic.) I made the contact lens fitting appointment a couple of weeks ago, and the receptionist told me the only thing I needed to bring is this little slip of paper with my prescription and various eye-related information.

I went to work ridiculously early because, for once, I actually have a lot of shit to do. I had purposefully left the slip of paper in my desk drawer and put a note into my calendar to bring it. I also had a bright blue post-it reminding me to grab the slip of paper.
We all know what's going to happen, but I plan to tell it in irritating detail anyhow. So fuck off. I left the office, drove to the appointment where I have to do battle to get a parking space, seriously, I had to throw a couple of bodies into my car then ram their respective vehicles. I had left with plenty of time to spare, so for my 9:15 check-in time, I was there at about 8:55. Nice. Of course, the second I step into the elevator, I realize I've forgotten the damn slip. Right, so panicky drive back to the office, only to double-park, run up to my office, grab the slip and run back, only now, there are NO parking spots. I circled for about 10 minutes before I finally just threw my car into a "compact" space. Let me tell you, my car is NOT compact by any stretch of the imagination. I drive an extended bed Ford Ranger. It is approximately 9 feet wide and 15 feet long. Both sets of tires were outside the parking space lines. Yeah, I was totally that guy.

So, I finally get there, check in and within 5 minutes the guy is staring at my eyeballs and asking about my use of contacts and glasses. He also comments on how strong my prescription is. Kick ass. And damned if I don't think he was flirting with me a little. (Of course this could just be my out-of-control narcissism talking). So, I get everything squared away, schedule my follow up and order all my lenses etc. I start heading back to my car with a purse full of trial lenses and various cleaning solutions. Looking at the time, I thought to myself, "Hey, I've got time to go back to the office and at least check my email." I start driving and realize that I've got this purse full of shit which I'm not about to leave in my car but if I take it to my office, I'll never be able to get it all home that evening. So rather than go to the office, I stop at home drop off the stuff, grab a Coke and jump back in the car. Again, I entered the parking structure at 10:35 for my 11:00 check in. Plenty of time, no? No. I drove to the top of the structure, drove back down to the bottom. Nothing. I drive back up. While stuck on an ungodly incline in my stick shift, and with really wet concrete and another car riding my ass, I'm a little stressed. I reach for my soda, and spill the entire 12 ounces into the seat of my car.
I will repeat that, because I don't think you are quite grasping what I am saying.
I spilled 12 ounces of Coke into the seat of my car. I was sitting in three inches of soda, and couldn't do a thing about it. While looking for napkins (Hell, I collect the damn things, there are always about 15 in my purse, 900 in my desk, and 4,396 in my car, WHERE THE FUCK WERE THEY?!?) the line of cars starts to move. And although my wheels are spinning, I'm sliding backwards. This is not good. I manage to gun it and get up the incline, but not before scaring the hell out of everyone within earshot. So, after three more trips up and down the structure (seriously, no exaggeration there) I found a "spot." It was only a spot in that there was asphalt without something solid on top of it. I'm pretty sure it was actually a driving lane, but fuck it. I was officially 10 minutes late for my appointment. Kick ass. You know, I try to be responsible, but I swear something happens anytime the world at large knows I'm going to the doctor's office.

So, I head to the doctor's office, my entire ass is drenched with soda. Really attractive. Luckily, I had a sweatshirt in my car, which I threw on and pulled down over most of the offending stains. So, I'm sticky, and feeling really hot. And I'm going to a dermatologist. This is a good self-esteem day. I finish with that appointment, pick up a few prescriptions, and am heading back to my office, when I think to myself, "I can't sit in the office for the rest of the day with coke stains from ass to thigh." So, another trip home to change, drop of my car and head back to work. I didn't get back until around 1 pm. I am the best employee ever.

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