Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Neurosis is fun for Everyone!

You know how you assume that you are normal? You know, how everyone probably does the same things you do, for the most part? Well, I'm finding more and more that I was wrong in my assumption. Apparently, I am kind of fucked up. Not in any huge, sweeping, scary way....I think. You want an example? You got it.

Xtian called me on Saturday to see if he could come visit next weekend. I say yes, of course, love to have you here, I've been missing you etc. As soon as I hang up the phone, I think to myself "wow, how nice, Xtian's visiting. Except that something will happen. Better not get my hopes up." Now in my head, I'm operating under the assumption that this visit is not happening. That at any moment the phone will ring and it will be Xtian telling me something has come up. I can't even get excited about him visiting because I'm so sure something will happen to prevent the visit. So instead of taking the chance of being disappointed, I'd rather assume it won't happen at all. I assume that everyone kind of does this. Apparently some people actually look forward to things.

I know, I tend toward the neurotic, but I guess I thought there were still some rather normal traits about me and the way I operate. I was mistaken. What the hell turns a normally pretty happy and positive person into the "assume the worst so you are happily surprised by EVERYTHING" creature described above?

I guess it was a slow process throughout the last 23 years. I am a person who makes a choice then makes it happen, regardless of how hard it seems to be. Anything over which I have control does not cause the negative chain-reaction. It's really only when what "it" is depends upon other people. I assume that other people are flakes who will not follow through. Why do I feel this way? Probably because the only times I've been disappointed in my life have been because someone else dropped the ball.

My father has always said that I'm awfully hard on others. But, I'm even harder on myself. I do not allow myself to fail. At anything. I make random-ass decisions, but damn it, I will finish it.

All of this has brought me to one conclusion.

I am psychotic.

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