Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Phone Messages, Smells, and more Work Irritations.

There is a message on my answering machine. This message has been there for three days now. Why, you may ask? Well, I was home when the message was recorded, and I don't want to deal with it yet. It was Sunday evening, I was waiting for the Simpson's to come on. I was on the way to finishing out one of the best hermit weekends ever. The phone rings. I check the caller ID, recognize the number, but am not 100% on who it is. I decide not to answer it. The machine picks up, the caller hangs up. No skin off my ass.

Half an hour or so passes, I'm now in the midst of watching the Simpson's. Phone rings again. Same number on the caller ID. I'm almost certain I know who it is. I decline to answer. Machine picks up. Yep, it's the Old Guy. Calling to leave a long, rambling message on my answering machine, it seems. There's a lot of "Just wanted to see how you were doing" and "Wanted to catch up" which all translates to "It's been numerous weeks since we have spoken, and I thought I'd see if I could scam some sex." Nice.

Normally, I'm pretty glad to receive offers of free sex. But in this case, it would be a really long session, complete with him putting all kinds of pressure on me to "get there." It's not like I have difficulty, but when I'm not into it, I don't pretend I am. Who needs that on a Sunday night? And on top of it all, I want to have sex with someone who wants me not just looking for free sex from anyone who'll have them.

I've always said that anyone with whom you have slept with more than a couple of times deserves a phone call letting them know for certain that "we shouldn't see eachother like that anymore." But now I'm getting really good at avoiding the issue. And I keep thinking I won't have to deal with it, because there are weeks between these phone calls. I get all secure feeling, and BAM out of the blue, phone call. Bah!

I'm going to have to be an adult and just call him back. I miss throwing temper tantrums. *sigh*

In more irritating news, no one is in the office today except for me and my coworker/friend (Editor's Note: since almost every woman I know is named Jen, it's not that I'm trying not to use names, but it's just easier this way. My apologies) and a couple of contractors who are doing something with the office that is unclear to me.

To backtrack a little. My department lives in a weird little building in downtown Oakland, that is not owned by our company. Well, the building management yanked the lease out from under KP and so we have to move. For the next two/three months, we'll be in a suite down the hall from this one. Awesome. Well, the move is on Friday and apparently the people taking over from us are doing massive work on the space, tearing out walls etc. Every KP owned anything has to be pulled out. Which evidently entails loud conversations, and contractors wearing WAY too much cologne being all up in my personal space. Really irritating. Even worse will be later today when I'm sure I'll be alone in the suite with random people wandering in and out. Yeah. I feel safe.

Speaking of men wearing way too much cologne......

If I can taste your cologne/perfume etc you are wearing too much. I don't mind a tiny lingering nice scent, but when I get into an empty elevator and immediately gag, choke and tear up, you are wearing too much. Be aware, YOU can't always smell yourself. However, WE can. So my decree is this: you are allowed to do a "spray and walk through" or a "light dab on pulse points" with a scent and that is all. If you do not know what either of these two methods are, YOU ARE ONE OF THE OFFENDERS. Take a lesson.

Apparently I'm all about smells today. The last few days getting into the elevator at work, I've definitely noticed the smell of hangover or Martini Lunch. You know that "I got so hammered I wish I had thrown up" combination of old booze breath, sweat, and now alcohol coming out of your pores. I don't know if there has been a surge in hiring alcoholics, or if there's just a whole lot more mid-week partying happening, but either way, it's deeeee-sgusting.

But then that makes me wonder how many times in my life I've left that smell behind in an elevator. Back in the day, I know I used to be the one sweating tequila out at the gym at 2 pm on Sundays. If only people could smell themselves like everyone else does, I think this world would be a much happier place.
Imagine it: no more smelly hippies, no more vegetarians who refuse to shower and sweat out garlic and tofu, no more "I put on perfume to cover the fact that I didn't make it home to shower after last night's drunkfest," no more 14 year old males who apparently BATHE in Brut. I for one, would be a much more pleasant person if people's personal desire to smell "good" didn't cause me to have gut-wrenching headaches. Let's all join hands now and pray to (insert deity here) that my dream comes to fruition.

Ok, this is so only funny to me and my coworker friend, but I'm going to share it here, because...well...because I can.
We have a running joke that nothing our team does is ever on time. Every meeting, every deadline, everything is late. The odds of a meeting scheduled for 2pm starting anytime before 2:10 pm are about 1/10000004. So after yet another late meeting, Jen instant messages me (Yeah, our cubes are connected, but we still IM so as not to be overheard making bitchy comments and discussing totally innappropriate things.) with: "'Right on Time' our team's mantra." I can't stop giggling over this. Just shows how my brain function is being decreased by every hour I spend at work.

I hate to get all Office Space and keep writing about work crap, but I'm starting a new section called CB Strikes Again.
I've written about CB before, just without identifying characterstics. CB can be summed up in one sentence "She's too interested in talking to actually listen to anyone, even herself." There's a lot more to my annoyance than just that. Some of the more bothersome points: CB really believes that I'm her personal assistant (not so), that I'm a sucker and will do pretty much anything I'm asked (Ok, that is true), and that we are really close friends (not true). These three things manifest themselves in really irritating ways that cause me to become really agitated and bitchy.

Items for consideration:

  1. CB only arrived at work at 11:30 am. Yet, by 9:15 I'm already irritated. Maya, a very nice consultant who just started working with us, approaches my desk with a notepad. She tells me she's looking for contact information for some people and CB had told her that I own the Corporate Directory and so would be better able to help Maya. Correction: I do not own the Corporate Directory; There is NO Corporate Directory; the PHONEBOOK to which she is referring is no more accessible to me than ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE COMPANY. Basically it boils down to this, CB couldn't be bothered to give Maya the phone numbers she needed, but instead of showing Maya where to find them, she took 20 minutes explaining why I would be the one to help her.
  2. CB asks me where another coworker is. I tell her that the coworker is attending a two day workshop and isn't in the office. After 5 full mintues of "But she's supposed to meet with us at 11," From CB and "Ok, but she's not here," from me, CB walks away saying "Well, when you see her could you let her know." I shout down the hall "Here is what I'm telling you: I won't see her. She is gone. She said goodbye already and left. I won't see her." Then she finally starts to get it. But I'm sure we'll talk more later about it.
  3. Oh gawd, and this just occurred to me. CB was supposed to meet with other coworkers at 11, but didn't get here until after 11:30. Classic. Right On Time.

I think that's it for now on the new CB Strikes Again section. I keep starting all these new sections and rarely revisiting them. I promise to work harder on this. I assure there will be more entries into the Vagina Discussions and more Sex Etiquette Rules shortly.

Just, not today.

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