Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Coley's Guide to Etiquette: Satisfying the Cries of Her Generation

Last weekend I helped a coworker/drinking buddy move out from the home she shared with her boyfriend (note: I hate the word "boyfriend" for anyone over the age of 20, this man is over 40, he's not a boy. As a people we need to determine a more dignified term that doesn't cause me to erupt into giggles, ala "gentleman caller"). Anyhow, helping her move made me realize a couple of things:

  • I'm really glad that when I moved, it was across the country. No chance of random "bumping into" experiences.
  • Moving is much more fun when you get a group of women together and allow yourselves a large amount of silliness.
  • I never want to go through the breakup thing like that again
  • I've missed the company of women. I spent so many years being hurt by female friends, I had lost faith. It was wonderful to see women spanning three decades showing such love and support for each other.

Ok, apparently feeling rather "emotional" and "sincere" today. I hate days like today. Life is much easier when you are able to stay disconnected and cynical. Just like dating is easier when you have no feelings about a person. What an ass I am, having all this affection for someone I'm not even really dating. I hate having feelings sometimes.

Last night I went out to Antioch to visit with my oldest friend. We're talking friends since pre-school. It was hilarious to swap "worst one-night-stand-ever" stories, talk about RDI's (that's Random Drunken Injuries to the teetotalers out there), talk more bullshit etc. After swapping all these stories, I've come to the conclusion that someone needs to publish the official Sex Etiquette Guide. And I think this little slut* is just the one to do it.

*Editor's note, we are reclaiming the word slut, just like we did with bitch. So, wear it loud and proud. Say it with me now "I'm a slut." Doesn't that feel good?

So, for everyone's reading pleasure and education, I bring you

Coley's Guide To Sex Etiquette

  1. When you "hook up" with someone at a bar or other rather anonymous social gathering, assume it will be a one-night deal. If it moves beyond that, fine. But never assume just because you got naked with someone that you are now "dating."
  2. During aforementioned One-Night encounter, you may NOT:
    • Say ANYTHING, aside from requisite guttural noises, or if needed, "Ow, that hurts" "Sorry, did that hurt?" Use of “give it to me” “oh, you like that don’t you, you dirty little shit” or any other porno-esque talking should be relegated to the realm of third or possibly fourth time with same partner.
    • Ask to keep any part of the other person's clothing (what exactly do you plan to do with my underwear?)
    • Even ask if you have to use a condom. Of course you must wear a condom. It's just the polite thing to do.

  3. If this is a first-time encounter with this person, you are allowed to ask, ONE TIME for any of the following: oral, anal, anything outside of what is considered “standard.” Ask once, if you are turned down, do not continue to whine, ask, or “just do it.” Any failure to discontinue may result in expulsion from the encounter.
  4. Don’t assume you are spending the night.
  5. If you leave bodily fluids on ANYTHING that doesn’t belong to you, offer to clean it.

This is just the beginning. If you have any sexual pet peeves, or think any of the above should be amended, send them my way ( This is strictly for educational/informative purposes. This does not just apply to men, I’ve known women who break the rules of etiquette. Join me in codifying what should just be common courtesy.
All this is based on my somewhat limited experience. I invite those with different/more experience to please offer comments. Let’s finally all band together and take a stand against sexual awkwardness! Hopefully, my less than fun (yet hilarious for storytelling purposes) experiences will save others from the uncomfortable situation in which you have to tell someone “um, actually, I don’t know what YOU are doing, but in no way are you actually having sex with ME right now.” (If you’ve ever experienced it, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. If you haven’t experienced it, get down on your knees and thank (insert various deity here) .

In closing, dear gawd, it’s only Wednesday? Holy shit! When will the government answer my call to make the work week only two days long? In keeping with the pattern so far this week, I’m going to need to drink tonight. I’ll be at Bill and Roy’s at 5pm today. I hope you’ll join me in the only bar in Oakland (to my knowledge) that allows SMOKING!

Enjoy your day, and remember this one thing: NEVER drink cheap beer. Cheap booze works SO much faster.

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