Thursday, April 21, 2005

Binge Drinking and Return of the Former Dates

Apparently this week is "Random-Former-Dates-Come-Out-Of-The-Woodwork-Week." The count is up to two so far. Last night who should call, but Wahab, a former date/naked friend. At least this time I had the presence of mind to check the caller ID, and was able to avoid the phonecall. But that leaves me standing in my apartment, standing over the answering machine, listening the the message. The message goes something like this (my thoughts/exclamations in parentheses):

Wahab: What's up Nicole (Why do people ask questions on answering machines?) This is Wahab, a voice from the past (what is he, drunk?) Yeah, it's been a while, I've been out of the country, and away on business, lost my cell phone (you know, most people would be fine to leave it with one excuse, this one thought of three, awesome) I was just calling to see how you were doing (Oh my gawd, is he calling because he's got an STD???? Oh wait, I was just tested for everything under the sun. WHEW!) So, Give me a call. I hope you'll give me a call. If not, I'll talk to you soon (so, if I don't call, He'll talk to me soon? What? He's going to hang out outside of my building? Connect with me via telepathy? Ass!) Bye.

So, I went to bed. Woke up this morning, having forgotten about the awkward message, until I saw my machine blinking a red "one" at me. Then it all came back. We're up to TWO awkward conversations this week. And I could just avoid phone calls until they stop, but I've always prided myself on my assertiveness (and my love of nekkid cooking). And really, who calls someone after 3 months with a few excuses? Just tell me what the hell you want!

Also, yesterday we talked about (I say "we talked about" as though people reading this were hanging out with me having a dialogue. Yeah. I'm cool.) sexual etiquette. More and more rules keep coming to me, and some people sent me some awesome rules of their own (Thanks Red Rage!). I think I'm going to have to pursue this further. So, just in case all you people were going to steal my idea, I officially claim this as my intellectual property, covered by United States copyright laws! So, take that. Or something. Whatever. Back to point, I could write this thing in a vaccuum and base it on my own experiences, but really, isn't that what I've already pretty much done here? Oh sure, I'm young yet, there are bound to be more awkward encounters, but instead I think I'll get my friends drunk and get them to spill the most horrifying sex stories they've got. That'll be a surefire way to get rid of all those friends I've been meaning to cut off contact with. Then blackmail when they start running for public office.

Sidenote: is there anything better than Harvest Cheddar Sunchips? I think not. Which is why my keyboard is almost entirely covered in chip residue, my shirt is covered in bits of broken chip that will stay there until I get hungry again (in about 5 minutes) and eat them off my chest. I'm hot. (editor's note: sarcasm)


So, does drinking 5 nights straight midweek make me an alcholic? Or just a drunk? Or do these labels not apply until you are 38 years old, throwing empty bottles of Jack Daniels, screaming "It's a good thing the social worker is coming to take you away, I never wanted you anyway!" at your 5 illegitimate children, dressed in a bathrobe, laying prone in an unkempt front yard? I'll have to check the definition on that.


Lesson of the day: Former dates can't keep away. I realize that I am irresistible to most men, women and small mammals, but seriously, who's going to call next? I'm thinking the guy I made out with a few times in junior high school. Or maybe the guy I had sex with just so I could get him to shut up and let me sleep in college (you may be asking "which one?" To which I would answer, "Screw you, who are you to judge me? You don't know me!"). Or that guy I saw walking down the street once, and smiled at, but he just kept walking.
Seriously, I don't think my ego can take much more. Of course the random guy who I do have a crush on did not call me. So, the less interested I am, the more he wants me? If I go on a date with someone, only to find they are repellent, what? Will he propose on the spot?

That was a really long lesson of the day-turned-rant. My bad. Have a lovely day, and ignore the ones you like, they can't resist it.

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