First week down

My first week back at work is over. Working was fine, but man, trying to start the routine is killer. Most nights Xtian didn't get home until 7 pm or later, and on daycare days the kids are a mess. Between trying to get everyone organized and keep everyone happy and having fun, it's a little tough right now. I'm sure we'll settle into a routine, but right now I'm a little wrecked.

Speaking of daycare, I'm having a hard time with a few things. I like the people a lot and Warren has a really good time with his friends there. But my parenting choices are at odds with theirs. It's not the big things, but they are things that make a big difference in the kids' attitudes. The big issues are food and TV. The TV is less of an issue for Warren now (he's allowed to watch some TV now, and they have the tube on much more than I would like, but Warren mostly ignores it and plays with toys.), but so far Lennox has been there 2 days, and 2 days I've arrived to find Lennox (who is 3-months old, by the way) staring at the television.

I feel like this one is easy to deal with right now. Lennox is immobile, so I just need to ask them to make sure he's turned AWAY from the TV. I can't imagine they can possibly fault me there.

The harder issue is food. I'm not a total stickler for food. Warren has had cookies and non-healthy snacks. But those are only in special/extreme circumstances. Warren's diet consists of whole wheat bread, that I bake, all-natural peanut butter, a lot of fresh and dried fruit, and a handful of veggies that he likes. Sometimes, I can get a yogurt into him. That's pretty much all he eats. But at daycare, "fruit" means pre-packaged fruit snacks that are primarily high fructose corn syrup. Juice can mean kool-aid. Yesterday Warren let it slip that he gets chocolate at daycare. CHOCOLATE TO A 2-YEAR-OLD WHO DOES NOT GET SUGAR. And yes, I've had conversations with the daycare folks about Warren's food needs.

I've mostly ignored the issue to this point. Not everyone feels the way I do, and the kids are only there two days a week. So, nutritionally, I know he's fine. On the other hand, I know that Warren's shitty attitude on daycare days has a lot to do with all the sugar and crap he's eating all day. Certainly, some of the horror can be attributed to the stress from the chaotic environment and the crummy naps he gets at daycare. (At home, Warren takes 3-4 hour, completely undisturbed naps. At daycare, I'm sure it's nothing like that.) But the multiple meltdowns in the few hours we get to spend at home before bed are horrible.

The problem is this, I can't expect them to make special meals for Warren. And if everyone else is getting a snack and Warren is left out, that sets up a nasty dynamic. Not my goal. So, there's not really a point in having a conversation about it. All it will do is create friction in the relationship, and we need this situation to continue working for a while yet. Are these two issues worth finding a new daycare? I don't know. I feel like it isn't. But I also know that the first reasonable-feeling excuse to find new arrangements, I will.

Again, it's not that I'm terribly unhappy. I feel conflicted. I like the people and I know that Warren is having fun and learning there. I hate how nasty and fragile Warren is when he gets home. And right now, Lennox doesn't really know the difference. The only impact going back to work seems to have on Lennox is that once I get home Lennox wants to nurse every 10 minutes. And that makes getting organized for the next day really hard. (Yeah, try making dinner when you get interrupted every 10 minutes and have to spend 20 minutes with a baby attached to you.)

Hopefully we'll find our groove soon. Because, man, am I ever tired.

And it'

Status Report.

I know you're all waiting with bated breath (*cough cough*) so, here's the deal.

Warren was fine yesterday. He cried for a few minutes when I left, but he always does that. He soon settled in and played with the other kids and napped a lot.
At drop off, I mentioned that I don't let him watch TV, so he's not allowed TV at daycare either. The daycare lady said that was no problem.
I called during the day to see how he was doing. Marticia (daycare lady) was out picking up a kid from school, so her daughter Ureshra (I swear to god. Ureshra. Although, I'm not 100 percent on the proper spelling...) was in charge of the kiddos. She told me Warren was doing just fine, had napped, then eaten some lunch and was happily...watching TV.
I was really upset during the rest of the day, thinking that she was just going to ignore everything I said, and I'm essentially paying someone to park my kid in front of the tube for 9 hours a day. So, fuck that.

But then I breathed for a few minutes and started thinking rationally. If she was going to ignore my instructions, would Ureshra have been so cavalier in telling me about it? Probably not. So, benefit of the doubt, the message didn't get passed along to Ureshra and I'll remind Marticia about it a few times and see if it sticks.

And when I went to pick him up, he was passed out cold, which is how Warren usually deals with stressful days. He was fine, happy, well-fed and smiling at the kids and the adults while we packed up and left.

So, we'll give this a few weeks and see how it feels. If I'm still concerned my instructions are being ignored, we'll find somewhere else. And in the meantime, he'll be fine. As my older sister reminded me, I had my reservations about Nana's at first too.

I was reading through some comments from the other day, and my dear darling Nathalie reminded me that I had to trust my gut, and that I know my kid best. Both excellent points. For normal people. Problem being, my gut is often not operating on instinct or even rationality. Or maybe I just can't tell my gut from my sick sense of paranoia. So, maternal instincts? Not so much. Gory imagination? More likely. Someone doesn't call me when they are supposed to, I immediately fly to "This person is obviously dead on the roadside." Sound healthy or reasonable? Welcome to my brain. Or maybe it's just way too many Law and Order re-runs. Screw it, who can resist the charms of Lenny Briscoe, and Detective Stabler? Not this broad.

And that, my friends, is the state of the Warren Daycare Union.

And now I have to let you in on a glimpse of what being married to me is like.
The other night I was getting ready to make dinner. Since my home has about one square foot of useable counter space, a few minutes are spared to tidy the kitchen. Whilst tidying, I found the tops to some tupperware type containers, just sitting on the counter.
And I started building a head of steam. It starts with harsh thoughts and eventually leads to some muttering: "Goddamnit, why must we leave shit all over the counter? Is it SO HARD to put things where they belong? OH NO! This is even dirty. Just throw it in the sink! Fucking A!"
Now, usually this is where I start actually yelling at other people, mostly Xtian (because he is legally bound to like me).
Just as I opened my mouth to start the tirade I realized, much to my shame, I was the asshole who left the tupperware on the counter.

I'm a total jerk. But lest you think I'm a nagging harridan, and too hard on Xtian, I did immediately confess my retardedness. It's a good thing I cook, put out, and make cute babies. Why else would anyone ever stay married to me?

Allowing myself to be negative...

..For once. Oh wait, not so much.

So, the new daycare is...different. Look, it isn't Nana, and I'm having a hard time with it. It's pure chaos. I'm totally overwhelmed from the second I walk in the door, so I can't even imagine how wigged out Warren is. We've spent a couple hours a day over there for the last few days, and it's not gotten any better. Warren sobs from the moment I leave until I come back. Oh, except for today, when he stopped crying for 20 minutes because he was....watching TV.

I know. I'm kind of a crunchy granola kind of mama. I don't want my not-quite-8-months-old kid glued to a TV, I don't feed him any processed foods, we use cloth diapers and usually cloth diaper wipes and we have maybe two toys that make noise. The joke is that we're raising him as though we're Amish. But you know, is that so bad? I like that my kid is mellow and doesn't need someone entertaining him all the time. I like that he's perfectly happy with a rattle and a cuddly ducky toy.

The thing is, the place is fine. It's just not what I'm used to, and it's certainly not what Warren's used to. My childrearing philosophy is at odds with the new lady's. I'm more of a let them figure it out, even if it takes longer, teach them to make good choices, rather than "obeying". And she's more of a "here let me do it, you aren't doing it right. Do what I tell you because I told you," kind of person. Nothing wrong with that, it's just not how I want to raise my kid.

I tried to give the new lady some troubleshooting tips for Warren. He's the easiest kid you can imagine if you just know a few things: he gets overwhelmed by too many new people/places/sounds, if you just hold him for a few minutes he adjusts much faster to new circumstances, once he gets wound up he won't calm down until you remove the extra stimuli, and he likes to do it himself.
And I also know that she needs to kind of figure out Warren's personality on her own. But damned if the second he started crying she's got 5 new toys with flashing lights and blaring sounds in his face trying to distract him. DUDE! We just talked about this. He needs a few minutes of quiet to calm himself. Not the equivalent of a 5-alarm fire thrown in his face.

I'm also really bad at confrontation. I've had some people treat me like I'm a child abuser when I tell them we don't let Warren watch TV. It's a real hot button issue for a lot of people. I don't give a shit how you're raising your kid. THIS is how I'm choosing to raise my kid. But it's that same parental judgment thing, where there's only ONE right way to raise a kid, so if you are doing something differently from me, one of us is wrong. So, I'm really not looking forward to telling the new lady that we DON'T want him watching TV. And I'm a little afraid to let her provide the foods he's going to be eating. Dear god, if there's a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, or Ramen noodles in sight, I'm going to have a fit.

Realistically, I'm sure it's going to be fine. But Since I feel like crying everytime we leave, I'm venting my negativity here. It's insane, but there's a very real part of me that can't help believing that this disruption in his care is going to be what causes him to become completely unable to function in society. I KNOW it's insane, but it's not like you can just turn it off.

But, for better or worse, tomorrow morning, I have to leave my sweet baby in the care of a woman I'm not entirely comfortable with. I'll get over it, Warren will adjust and we'll all be fine. I'll just be crying quietly in my office for a few minutes.