Monday, January 25, 2010

Screw It.

Still pregnant, and now officially feeling completely overwhelmed and like an abject failure in every aspect of my life. I apologize, but this will completely be me whining about 1st world problems. And yes, I'm luckier than 99% of people in the world. Also I am hormonal, enormously pregnant and lacking in other outlets right now.

Work: Work is hard. I don't know how many more hours I can put in and still never make a dent in what I have to do. And I do believe I just talked myself into a situation where I'll be working, unpaid, on maternity leave. Because I'm a fucking idiot. I managed to tell everyone that I am officially off all projects, and will be focusing my remaining time on two last things. Yet, today I was still handed new projects to do "real quick." Except they lasted all day. And part of tomorrow.

Warren: I have had very little patience for poor Wu lately. And I'm lucky to see him for 20 minutes every day when I get home. And during those 20 minutes, I'm either working or trying to get dinner made. I feel like a completely awful mother, and like I have no business having a second child when I can't even be there for my first.

Xtian: I can't seem to be nice to him for more than five minutes at a stretch. Not because he's doing anything wrong, but because I just can't find the emotional energy to be nice. Tomorrow is his 29th birthday, and I have failed to do anything for it at all.

Finances: I can't seem to keep up with our money situations. Every month plenty comes in, and every month more goes out. I can't seem to catch up and it's getting a little touchy. We should be ok assuming we get the tax refund I think we are. But if that is not the case, we'll be a little bit sunk.

Home: the house feels cluttered and disorganized and I don't know how to stop it. I haven't cleaned our house in weeks, and the boys try to keep up, but it's not fair to constantly demand that they pick up the slack for me. When is it my turn to pick up the slack? When do they get a break? When am I done being really busy and unable to pull my own weight?

Friends: I don't feel like I'm being a very good friend to anyone right now. I have a hard time pulling the energy together just to make a phone call, and honestly it feels shitty. I have amazing, incredible friends who have never let me down at all, and I don't feel like I'm giving them the same.

Family: See above. Same deal. I didn't even remember to call my brother on his two years sober birthday. After I reminded myself, and the rest of my family, and talked to his girlfriend about it. Jerk.

Pregnancy: I'm not doing everything I should be to keep myself healthy and sane, and to prepare for this birth. I desperately want to have a natural, normal delivery this time, but I'm not doing any of the work that will help make that a reality. I'm not eating like I should, I don't know when the last time I exercised was, I'm not doing enough to deal with my stress levels in healthy ways. I am terrified that my body will utterly fail me again, but never manage to get around to doing anything to prevent it.

And I just realized that the word "I" is the most used word in this post. And that makes me feel like shit too. As though other people aren't alone, homeless, hungry and wouldn't kill to have these problems. So, on that self-loathing note. I'm out.


Faith said...

You know, every now and then, it's ok - totally ok - to focus on no one but yourself. Particularly when it's occurring right before you have a baby!

Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression? Is there any chance you're going through something like that?

Regardless, I wish I could hug you right now. And help you clean your house. I'm mean to Leo for no reason on a regular basis, and I don't even have the 3rd trimester to blame it on. (Or the 1st or the 2nd, for that matter!) You're a better wife than me, that's for damned sure!

Thirstin' for Thurstons said...

Faith is right, and there totally is a pre-partum depression. Its ok to feel this way and it wont last long. You have a crazy life with a lot of responsibilities, just take a deep breath and remember this isn't going to last forever!

jen breese said...

I think Faith and Thirstin' have excellent points about it being ok to concentrate on yourself and that there is a pre-partum depression. I so wish I was closer so I could help out. Your friends love you and know right now is tough with your crazy work and baby prep.