Friday, August 31, 2007

That's why we're busting your shit.

Ok, maybe you all can help me figure something out.
Maternity pants. Here’s the deal: pretty much all maternity pants I’ve seen have a “belly panel” or a huge, wide elastic waistband. Now this would seem to make sense, rapidly expanding belly, elastic, seems to go hand in hand, eh?
This is where the breakdown happens. Do you know why elastic works? Because it’s always trying to restore itself to it’s unstretched out shape. Which means: it’s always seeking smaller ground. So, while those belly panels sound like a great idea, they do not ever stay on the belly. Instead they seek smaller ground (which at this point would be hips/directly UNDER the belly), and end up with a roll of elastic paneling creating a spare tire of ugly and uncomfortable.

You know, dressing this weird body is hard enough. Did we all need added bulk? Don’t even get me started on pants that just have elastic waistbands, THEY SIMPLY CREEP DOWN ALL DAY UNTIL EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR ASS!

Clearly, clothing is a challenge, eh? Especially when I am irritable. And, am I ever irritable these days. Right now, I’m actually starting to fume over the fact that my office chair won’t adjust in the way I need it to. And why are the keys on my keyboard so damned close together. My arms are actually squishing into my belly to reach the proper positioning on the keys. This is annoying.

While I whined about being uncomfortable last night, Xtian turned to me and asked, “So, you REALLY want more than one child? You realize you’ll have to be pregnant to have them, right?” To which I said, “Of course! I want dozens of children! Sure I’m uncomfortable, but I’m fine, right?” My response made his eye twitch a little. Makes me think he’s not so concerned about my being able to get through another problem free pregnancy, so much as he’s concerned about having to live with me while I endure subsequent pregnancies.

I should probably start making this all worth his while. But that sounds like it will take a lot of effort. And anyway, I don’t really see Xtian ever having enough motivation and follow-through to hire a lawyer and actually file for divorce. And it’s that level of inaction that keeps me secure in our relationship. (Ok, not really. But you all know how I am, right? I’m not a total monster. Not all the time anyway. Hell, I poached salmon for that man. POACHED! Salmon! Yeah, I don’t have a leg to stand on. Let’s just move on shall we?)

I’m so relieved to find that the last season of Charmed is finally being released. Praises be! And, it’s only a few weeks away, which means I will have ample opportunity to satisfy my obsession before having to care for a screeching child. Although, I must tell you, after watching Charmed, I was kind of disappointed to find that being knocked up didn’t make ME invincible like it did to Holly Marie Combs on the show. And that was really a bummer. I mean, come on! Invincibility! It would kick ass! *sigh* Such is real life, I guess.

Ok, in the vein of oversharing, (WARNING BLUNT TALK ABOUT BODY PARTS TO FOLLOW! AVERT YOUR EYES AND BE SAVED FROM THE HORROR!) I keep catching Xtian starting at my vagina. I finally asked him what the fuck he was doing, to which he replied, “I’m trying to figure out how a human is going to come out of that.” Yeah, tell me about it. But I tend to think he’s more concerned about, “How will that every be useful to me again after it stretches itself to the point a human is able to come out of that? Like a chapstick entering the La Rey Caverns?”

Oh god, did I ever tell you about session 2 of our birth class? Xtian made it to this one, so at least he got to experience the Classhole’s douchery first hand. First things first: I realize that many of us are coming straight from work for these things, so I’ll let some stuff slide. Like the guy who clearly works in some kind of outdoors environment? I know he didn’t get a chance to shower, so his…ripeness I can overlook. However, Classhole’s breath? Look, it’s called “gum!” look into it. Of course, dude was sitting right next to me, not even a buffer chair betwixt us. And of course, we were practicing breathing. I almost threw up. I seriously gagged more than once.

Every week, the teacher has us watching a different birth video, mostly to get us used to the sites and sounds of labor. Some are more graphic than others. This last session, there was no crowning shot, no vag, and the sound was mostly dubbed over for the narrator. Frankly, not one of the more intense videos, which is fine. But Classhole spent the whole video muttering, “Oh. Wow. That’s amazing. How incredible.” In the least sincere voice I’ve ever heard. But he wasn’t joking either. You know that faux sincerity that new agey types use when employing “active listening skills?” Yeah, that voice.

Look, at your child’s birth, or any live birth, you are certainly allowed to be awestruck. But watching a badly done birth video, distributed by Kaiser, without any emotion involved (god, it was really clinical and boring), should not cause you to remark Wow.
God, I hate that guy. Luckily, his wife is in the mid-30’s weeks. Hopefully, she won’t make it much further and will just give birth already!

Right, I’ve got a couple more hours to fill, then I’m blowing this joint.

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