Monday, July 30, 2007

He Ain't Heavy...

So, I’ve just figured something out, and I thought I’d share it with everyone here. Because…well, because I can.

I’m angry with my brother. That took a while to admit. My brother has his problems, and has been on the substance abuse carousel for a long time now. Which is saying a lot for a kid who just turned 21. I’ve never really allowed myself to be angry with him. I’ve allowed myself to feel upset at his words or actions, but have always couched it in, “but he’s really the sweetest kid!” But, really, how sweet is someone who says mean things to you, steals money from your wallet, and lies to everyone? I know, I know. Addiction is what makes people do these things. And that’s the same shit I’ve been telling myself for years.

Here’s the thing. I am allowed to be angry with him. Even if all his actions are driven by his addictions, they are still his actions. And it’s ok to be angry with an addict. Yes, I know, I sound an awful lot like I’m trying to convince myself of this fact. And I am.

I know my brother and I love him. And I love how funny, silly, kind he can be. But I don’t love how mean, cold, angry, manipulative, dishonest and violent he can be. And the latter has increasingly been his mode. And it makes me angry. And let’s see if I can start another sentence with “and.”

Holy crap, this entry is like watching an episode of Intervention. Damn it. I hate when I fall so cleanly into a category. Like “family member who enables addict by making excuses for them.”

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. At least ¼ of all my family members have some kind of addiction/mental health issue or another. Complete with at least one member of each side and generation having been in prison for drug-related issues. But I was really hoping my branch of our family would be spared the whole Prison/rehab thing. And it’s looking more and more like only a jail term will make my brother seriously believe he’s an addict.

Goddamnit. I really hate feeling like this. And I hate even more how long it took me to figure this out.

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