Friday, November 17, 2006

In continuing with our latest theme...

So, let’s all take a moment and, as a favor to me, hope that my current bout of total self-loathing is just some NASTY PMS. Because, clearly, my body has not decided on any cycle at all. And, out of the blue, decided to screw with me again with cramps so bad they WOKE ME OUT OF A DEAD SLUMBER. So, again for those playing the home game, try number two was a rousing failure. Really not helping with the whole “feeling completely useless as a human” thing I’ve got going on lately.

I suppose my sad-bastard music isn’t really helping me get out of funk. But, geez, I can’t stop listening to Counting Crows’ Colorblind. Saddest sounding song I’ve found this week. But, perhaps some Aimee Mann will beat that out for top spot.

Xtian is starting to speak to his mother again. But, this time, HE actually gets a chance to SPEAK. Which has never really happened before. Mostly they're still fighting, but at least both people are yelling, rather than having the yeller (her) and the yellee (he). I’m still not having any relationship or contact with her, and frankly, I think it’s for the best. I know I get roped into her crazy games too easily, so I’m just taking myself out of that. At least I can save my own sanity if I can’t get her to recognize her own insanity. And next year Brother turns 18, and can get the hell away from her if he chooses, so I can stop worrying about him.

In other news, for the first time in my life, I’m trying to let people know when something they’ve done/said hurts my feelings. It only took 24 years, but I’ve realized that I’m allowed to have feelings. Yes, I also have a sense of humor about myself (see: every post on this damn blog), but that doesn’t mean people don’t hurt me. I usually just skip over it, or pretend it didn’t bother me, when really it does. Then I sit and stew about it and harbor negative feelings for people. Sounds healthy, eh? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
I still mostly suck at it, and tell people “oh, no it’s fine. You’re right, I do suck!” Turns out I’m not very good at admitting to my own vulnerability.

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