Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I'm the author of the book, they can tell by the cover.

Now that I'm an old married lady, I go to bed ridiculously early. Actually it has little to do with being married and more to do with the fact that I'm usually up by 4: 45 am. Regardless, I climbed into bed around 9 pm last night, snuggled up with a book, and eventually fell asleep. Xtian is rarely tired by then, so he stayed up watching basketball (Sidenote: so, basketball season lasts 400 months out of the year now? It's ALWAYS ON. So, by my calculations, there must be 47 million teams, who each play 9 games a day. And, no, don't bother fact checking me, as I probably will ignore it anyway.). I heard him climb into bed, glancing at the clock showing well after midnight, I mumbled "You're late, what have you been doing?" He muttered something about telling me later, and I promptly fell back to sleep.

Xtian got up earlier than I and was out of the house well before my alarm went off. I had some time during my getting ready routine, so I called him. This is when I heard the silliest story ever.

We lock the cats in the back of the house while we sleep. If allowed to roam, they keep us up all night, and I can't be doing that during the week. Yes, I feel like a terrible kitty-mom, but it brings my cat resentment down to minimal levels, so it's worth it.
Apparantly last night, Maggie, out teensy black cat, figured out how to open windows. Xtian went in the back to feed the cats, and found the window wide open, and only Fiddy left in the house. Xtian grabbed his flip-flops and a flashlight, locked Fiddy in the bathroom, and threw open the back door. Vickie was cowering just outside the back door, (she doesn't like "that room," it's cold, dark, and mom's not there to feed her and pet her) and ran inside. Maggie however, has decided that she wants to be an outside cat, and is nowhere to be found. Xtian looks all over the backyard and finally catches a glimpse of her (she is entirely black, and therefore invisible in the dark) in the yard diagonal to ours. So, Xtian does what any rational person would do. In nothing but his boxer briefs and white tank top, he climbs the barbed wire fence. He proceeds to chase Maggie all over the yard. Clearly enjoying this, she would lie down, and look bored, and as soon as Xtian came near, would SPRINT away. Finally, the motion sensor lights come on, and it occurs to Xtian, "this is how people get shot." Maggie climbs another fence, and ends up on the street behind ours. Xtian chased her up and down the street for a while before some women in a car pull up (keep in mind the outfit: boxer briefs, wife-beater and flipflops), and ask him what he's doing. He tells them the cat got out and he's trying to chase her. They notice the ring on his finger and ask "that your wife's cat?" He nods, and they comment "you are a fantastic husband," and drive off.

Xtian chased my stupid cat all over the streets of West Oakland, finally catching her 4 blocks away, in his underwear at midnight. I think he's officially a keeper. Which is all well and good since I married him 10 days ago.

On a sidenote: I hope you don't mind Meighan, but I'm telling your story here.
Meighan moved to Utah a few months back and bought a house. Her boyfriend was still in school in Milwaukee, so she paid for the apartment they shared through the end of the lease. The plan was this: he finishes school then moves out to Utah to join her, where they will continue their lives together in blissful happiness.
This last weekend, the boyfriend, whom I will call Ass, told Meighan that he wasn't moving to Utah afterall. Clearly upset, Meighan informs him she won't be paying for the apartment after this month is up. Ass hangs up the phone. A few minutes later he Instant Messaged her saying "So, I guess we're over then." After 4 years (?) of togetherness, he decided to break up with her over IM. I have one thing to say : Class Act.
No wait, I have more to say. What a shit. What a piece of worthless human being. To quote Xtian "His seed should be wiped from the earth." He makes every man look worse for sharing a gender with him. That fucking ASS!!!

Ok, righteous indignation over. Meighan is a wonderful human being, and this guy is clearly a fuckwit. Anyone got a worse break-up story? I think this one might win.

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