Tuesday, February 7, 2006


I'm exhausted. I'm always exhausted.
After cancelling my birthday, I felt better able to focus on the real problem with Xtian. Once I could stop being bitter that my birthday sucked ass, I realized a few things and got to talk with him about it.
Yes, I'm upset that he was watching p0rn on my computer. I don't have anything agains p0rn in theory, but you all know my own body issues well. So any anger I was feeling at that portion of things could be attributed to MY issues and dealt with accordingly. Xtian was at fault for lying.
I never asked him to stop looking at p0rn. The first time this shit came up, I explained to him how seeing it on my computer made me feel, but I understood his desire to look. I showed him how to delete cookies and clear the internet history so that I didn't have to see it.
He apologized and told me he didn't want to continue looking at p0rn and said he wouldn't anymore. He volunteered this.
So, we talked all around the problem, I was angry and couldn't get a grip, so I left. When I came back a few hours later, I was better able to actually talk through the issue, rather than lashing out because I was angry or hurt. I knew my parents were coming down for my birthday, but through some standard miscommunication they showed up Friday night, instead of Saturday morning. Of course, they showed up after I had pulled my disappearing act.
I had told my mom that Xtian and I were having problems, but that I couldn't talk to her about them (yeah, I can't even imagine how awkward that would be after it all blows over. My mom doesn't need to know about Xtian's penchant for big tits and internet p0rn). So, at least she wasn't too surprised or worried when they arrived to discover I wasn't there. They opted to stay at a hotel for the night. As my mom so aptly put it "If you came home last night, we probably didn't want to be around for the rest of the fight."
We argued and talked some more, and finally determined we were too tired to be doing that. I went to bed, Xtian said he felt more comfortable on the couch. Nothing like sleeping alone on your birthday.
The whole time this is going on, I knew I didn't want to lose him over this shit. But I was too hurt and upset to get past it. I needed to know why he lied, why he felt he needed to lie, was p0rn so important to him it was worth all this? etc etc etc ad infinitum. Meanwhile Xtian feels awful and can't come up with any answers. He's not a great communicator and doesn't do much self-analysis (unlike the rest of us who've so over-analyzed themselves they could puke). So, nothing he was saying was "enough" for me. I couldn't just get over it. I tried.
Saturday morning I woke up still hurting, but more intense than the hurt, was the desire to not be angry anymore. I crawled onto the couch with him and we just cuddled for a while. I told him that I was still hurt, and I didn't trust him, but that I like us too much. He understood and we've been working on getting our groove back since.
Are things like they used to be? No. But he's the man I want, and if this is how it's gotta happen, so be it.


In the "good for me" column, I finally made an appointment to talk to a psych about my body/diet issues. I still feel shitty about the conversation I had with my normal doctor. She didn't ask anything about what I actually eat most days or my activity level, but felt like she could just outright say "you just eat too much." Well, the fact that my weight is increasing probably means that I am. But do I eat enough to really constitute the AMOUNT of weight I'm gaining, especially with the amount of daily activity I maintain? I felt like she didn't want to deal with me, so she just pawned me off on the easiest excuse.
Yes, I do need to talk to a therapist about this, but is that all that's going on here? Maybe, but maybe not, and let's rule out the physical shit first before we focus on how I'm a nutter.
Perhaps I just don't like my doctor. Stranger things have happened.

See, it's Tuesday again, and I'm writing. What is it about this hellhole of a day?
Mmmmm, Gilmore Girls tonight. Fabulous.

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