Thursday, February 2, 2006

Fuck it all.

And just like that I'm pissed again.

I rarely use my computer at home, especially the internet. I'm at a computer for 8-10 hours a day at work, why would I spend my non working time staring at a screen? Anyhow, yesterday I was at an all day training, so didn't get a chance to do my normal online routine (you know check all seven email accounts, read the news, browse all 42 blogs I obsessively read) so when I got home, I fired up the computer. I opened up my "favorites" screen, and what should I find marked? Soft tits dot com.


Those who've been around for a while may recall a previous "pr0n on my computer" incident. That incident ended with Xtian apologizing, saying he understood how I felt, and there would not be a repeat. Needless to say this new finding left me livid. The asshole actually BOOKMARKED a site and didn't think I would notice. Of course now I needed to check my internet history. Awesome, every day he was home when I wasn't for any extended period of time, he was looking at p0rn. I feel fantastic. Nothing like some habitual lying and sneaking to make you feel confident about your relationship.

I called Xtian out on it, and tried to deal with talk it out. He gave me the exact same line: I'm sorry. I'm sorry this hurts you and I won't do it again.


Is saying "I'm sorry this hurt you" really an apology? It sounds more like "sorry you are a crazy bitch, but that's not my problem" to me. But I may be biased.

So, the trust is gone. I've lost a lot of respect for him, and now I hate my body. Of course I clicked on the link, and was bombarded by large breasted, skinny women. Thousands of them. The theme of the site? Black women. Awesome. Not only am I not thin and only moderatelly endowed, I'm clearly not black. How am I supposed to compete with this? (Because clearly, I have to. Or something. I don't make the neuroses, I just live them). So now, I don't want to be home with him, I can't really go anywhere else. Everything is awkward, and tomorrow is my birthday. At this point, I'd just rather skip it.
I"m not optimistic about my 24th year on the planet. If today is any inidication, things are not looking good.


So, in direct relation to what I saw online yesterday, I finally called my doctor about slimming my ever-expanding ass down.
I dont' know what I expected, but while sitting in her office, suddenly truths that hadn't occurred to me yet were spilling from my mouth. I told her I was having a hard time losing weight and that I was concerned that I had messed up my metabolism. When she asked why I thought that, suddenly my whole past eating disorder details are spilling from my lips. I told her how I used food to punish/reward myself, that my eating is very emotional in nature and that I don't feel like anything I do is working. I'm afraid to lose weight, I don't want to live that life again. I dont' want to keep gaining weight, it's just not healthy or attractive. And I don't want to stay my same size because I'm starting to hate myself again for not having the self control I used to.
The same self-control that kept me alive on less than 1000 calories a week and would force mysef to run miles a day while on every ephedra based product I could buy, borrow or outright steal.

She asked me why I wanted to lose weight NOW, what the impetus was. I told herI was just tired of it and had had enough.
What could I say? That I found my boyfriend's p0rn and now can't make myself believe that he likes my body. That I'm just sure he's only able to have sex with me because he's thinking of those girls? Yeah. I'm not about to be that honest with a woman I've only met three times.

And on top of it all, Xtian was short for bills and rent this month, and I overdrew my account. Again.

So far, my week sucks massive ass.
Hope everyone else's is going better.

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