Monday, January 23, 2006

Coley Feels sorry for herself.

Saturday's surprise party for my mom went perfectly. Couldn't have asked for any better. Lots of crying and dumbfounded looks, just as a surprise party should be.

After spending that much time with my family, and especially members who I don't see all the time, I have one question:
Does any family member or friend have anything NICE to say about me? I don't know if I come off like an arrogant prick who needs to be taken down a notch on this blog, but my family is supposed to know better, right?

I'm very aware of my shortcomings. I know I'm loud, I know that in the past I've been known to say unkind things in heated moments. I know, I know I know. But really, I talk about how I'm not a nice person, or what a bitch I am to cover the fact that I'm not very secure.

I might talk a good talk, but really, I'm not that bitchy in person. I might say something snarky, but really, I have a hard time standing up for myself. Apparantly only my friend Jen can see this. I bitch about people and things because I feel powerless. I allow myself to get mowed over more often than not. But, my family seems to think that it's the world that needs to be protected from me. "Well, Coley, you do bowl people over, and you are loud." Thanks, guys.

My old roommate used to do the same thing. I talk often about how bitchy I can be. But I don't think most people can come up with very many examples of my bitchiness. However, this didn't stop my roommate from turning me into the bad guy every time we disagreed.
No matter what the reason for the argument, I was always the bad guy. Always. Clearly, Jill was the one who needed to be protected from me. She used passive aggression to take advantage of me for three years, and I defended her for it. I bought into it. I started to believe that I was really a terrible human who should be grateful that nice people like her put up with me.

It took me some time and distance to realize how deeply the manipulations worked.

And now, it's my family and oldest friends who seem to have only mean things to say to me. And they think they're just calling me on my "mean-ness." And I can't stick up for myself, because that would just reinforce what they are saying about me. Freakin' awesome.

And I always thought that your family is supposed to protect YOU from everyone else.


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