Friday, May 6, 2005

Headaches and Vaginas

So, I went to college in Milwaukee, Marquette University, as it happens. I rather enjoyed my time there, and while I wouldn't recommend attending a religiously-affiliated university, I have been rather proud of my school and the education I received there. Until I read this.

MU was formerly known as the Warriors complete with totally offensive mascot. The only reason I would attend MU is that they were one of the first schools to get rid of their ignorant mascot changing it to the Golden Eagles. If anyone has ever seen a golden eagle, they are huge, predatory, majestic animals, well-fitted to a school mascot. But Milwaukeans and MU alumni are a bunch of whiny bastards. So after a few years of Golden Eagles, the alumni petitioned the board of directors to go back to the Warriors. In a move that I like to think is just to prove how stupid bitching about a mascot is, they've "unanimously" voted to change the school's nickname/mascot to the Marquette Gold. That's right folks, the Marquette Gold.

The article linked above and the comments contained therein are just proof positive that Wisconsinites and MU alum are a bunch of drunken morons with nothing better to do with their time than have lots of opinions about something that doesn't matter. How much money did MU waste in making this decision? Money that could have gone to...oh, I don't know, paying their faculty decent salaries, or fixing Johnson Hall so that it is finally structurally sound, or creating more scholarships so that less of the student population will be rich, snotty, self-centered assholes. But no. They've made a ridiculous decision about a school nickname/mascot. I'm so proud.

Warning! This next section may be a bit of an overshare. You've been warned.

I'll give you a minute to scroll down past this section before I begin.......
Ok, there, we've gotten rid of the weak willed and fearful.

So, I've been bored at work the last few days, and so perusing some various random blogs. I noticed a trend: dick jokes. There are a lot of blogs boasting of "dick jokes." While I'm unclear about what, precisely, they mean by dick jokes (making jokes about penises "why did the penis cross the road", or mocking their own genitalia "dude, my dick is like a windsock right now", or are they mocking other dicks "yeah, I'd probably cry as much as you do if my dick were are crooked as yours"). Wow, that's a lot of setup for not a lot of payoff.

In this vein I'd like to open up the discussion to a little more "equal opportunity" topics. Specifically, vagina discussions. I often speak of my vagina because, frankly, there's a lot going on down there and because I feel it's my duty in life to take all the "you shouldn't talk about that in mixed company" topics and make them casual conversation.

My vagina, in fact, has given rise to a new nickname for me. The backstory: so, I went to my gyno a few years ago because of unbelievable pain for no apparent reason in my lower abdomen that my general practitioner didn't have an answer for. After doing a full exam, blood work, STD screenings etc, Dr Betty can't find a reason for the pain. Almost as an afterthought, she does the portion of the exam using her hands. At this point, she pokes the sidewall of my "special area." I jump with pain and make a noise that can only be described as a "yelp." She asks, is this the pain you feel? I tell her yes. She then looks me dead in the eye and says "You're having a muscle spasm. Your vagina is spastic." So, now my older sister periodically refers to me as "Spastic Vagina." I've often thought that would be my superhero alter ego. Not sure what the costume would look like, or what my super power would be, but I think it's funny.

So, there my friends is installment Number 1 for the Vagina stories.

I'm going to call that "it" for the day folks. I've got a long drive ahead of me and a headache that is diminishing my will to live. If you don't hear from me again, it's because my pain caused me to black out on the road where I will lay dying without hope of rescue because I'm one of the holdouts who refuse to get a cell phone. Bah my luddite nature!! (look it up, new vocabulary is good for you.)

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