Wednesday, April 27, 2005

When Flowers Induce Suicide

So I spent yesterday in an all day meeting. Should I have been in this meeting? No. Did I have any valuable input whatsoever? Of course not. Why was I there? I have no idea. So, even worse than it just being a long meeting, it was a long meeting I had no reason to pay attention to. (Yes, I realize I left a dangling participle, back off!) Kick ass. I returned to my desk only to find flowers. I initially thought they were for my boss, as his mother just died. Nope, addressed to me. At that point I was hoping against all hope that they were from a secret admirer (I know, "not bloody likely" is what you are thinking. Let me live in my fantasy world, it's more pleasant there). But my worst fears were soon realized. They were sent by the Communications department. Why, you may ask, was the Communications Department sending me flowers? An excellent question. The answer: Today is Administrative Assistant's day. Why does receiving flowers on Admin's day make me suicidal? Oh, I don't know....maybe.....nope, that's not it.......


Sorry, trying to restrain myself, but finding it nearly impossible. there are some people who treat me like a secretary, and I mean no disrespect to admins as they are the ones with all the power and are generally far more intelligent than those they support, but I am not a secretary. This was really one of the more insulting things I've experienced lately. I know, I shouldn't be upset. Flowers are nice, who cares why you get them. But come on! I only took this job to avoid complete bankruptcy. Had I realized that this "in-betweener" job would become this much of an irritation, I would never have taken it, bill-collectors be damned. So, this has become the last straw. I'm officially job hunting. If anyone reading this has a job in public relations/communications available in the Bay Area (preferably the East bay, but hell, beggars can't be choosers and all that) let me know. I'm dying here. Really, I'm qualified, I'm smart. I can string a sentence together. Oh yeah, and I've got a degree from a rather highly regarded university. Any takers?

My baby sister and my aunt are coming to visit this weekend. This will either be an enormous amount of fun, or the most uncomfortable weekend ever. It's like this:
My sister is a very sweet 16 year old with whom I have a lot of fun. But, she is still REALLY Mormon. She's moving slowly away from the more irritating of the Mormon behaviors but she still believes and all that. As such, my having a glass of wine in front of her is almost more than her little heart can take.

My aunt, on the other hand, is a party babe. I've been looking forward to her coming for a visit so we can paint the town red and have a lovely drinking time.

The three of us combined could be totally fun, or make any one of us uncomfortable for an entire weekend. I've determined to think positively, and have therefore decided that we are going to have fun. I don't care what we have to do, but fun we will have.


Other than that, I have not much going on in my life. Aside from half-assed preparing notes for a book my friend and I will be writing, I'm pretty lame. I didn't even go to my book group last night. Nice waste of reading a book I didn't really care for. Instead, I went and drank beer after work with my coworker/friend, went home, ate entirely too much, felt ill and went to bed. Alone. As per usual.

Check out the rock and roll lifestyle of the youth today, ladies and gentlemen.


So, I mentioned my pseudo date/Easter guest person previously. For a few weeks, he called me every Wednesday, we'd talk on the phone for a couple of hours, because, as it turns out, I've not progressed beyond 14-year-old-style romance. Awesome. Anyhow, last Wednesday he didn't call. (In all fairness, he may have called. I left work a little early, drank beer then went home and spent some time with a friend. It is within the realm of "Possible" that he called, and didn't want to leave a message. Notice, this is not in the realm of "Probable.") I didn't think much of it, he never said he would call me every Wednesday or anything, but it happened for a few weeks and I just expected it to keep happening. He had even talked about visiting here in a couple of weeks. Unbidden.

Now, I still haven't talked to him and I've gone back to my normal default setting of "Why did I think anyone would ever be interested in me?" I realize that there was nowhere this could really have gone. He lives far away, he's a stoner blah blah blah. It was just nice to be involved in some wild flirtation. Makes you feel desirable, you know? Instead now it's back to assuming I'm on the same level as any skeezy guy out there.

Apparently, I am insane. I just re-read the last little section here, and I am a totally neurotic nutbag. Some guy doesn't call me one time, and I assume the worst? Yep, truly amazing. Is it just me who does this on a daily basis? Does everyone else's self-confidence live and die in whether or not that attractive person smiled back at me on the street? Or is it only me who, even while glaring at men who leer at my tits, is secretly giddy with the thought that some person looked at me appreciatively, even while knowing that any man will leer at any tits at any time? Totally awesome. I am truly the strong, independent bitch I pretend to be.


So where does all this leave me?
  1. Smelling some beautiful flowers
  2. Hating those same flowers
  3. Minus one crush
  4. Plus one overarching distaste for my job
  5. Plus one impending visit from various family members

Of course all this is liable to change for any/no reason at all. In 12 minutes, I may be in love with the world, view myself as a goddess of all things sexy and believe in everything good and wonderful again depending upon if/when my phone rings, I receive an amusing email or I find a nickel on the floor. But really, I'm hanging onto the idea that I am sane. Good night everybody!

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