Thursday, March 31, 2005

April Fools Pranks Are Way Funnier In Theory

So, I'm sitting here at work after almost 10 hours of doing, well, not much constructive. Why am I here so late with so little to do? Well, tomorrow is April Fools Day, and I've been nominated to set up a prank on my manager. The prank? We are wallpapering his office with irritating pictures of us. It sounded REALLY funny until I'm sitting here at 5:40 pm waiting for him to leave so I can tape hundreds of pieces of paper to all the walls. How did I get to be the point person for this? Oh yeah, because I'm the office bitch. I forgot.

As we can see, the moodiness has not much improved.

I have made a discovery which I will share with the class. I dress exactly like a 35 year old parent who fancies herself the "hot mom." This would be fine except, I am not 35 years old. I am 23 and I should be dressing as such. My wardrobe should be described as "young" "fun" "kind of sexy in a moderate kind of way" "not really feminine, but there's this overwhelming appeal to the overall look". Maybe on another person, it would be. Perhaps I'm the problem. Am I really all that dumpy and worn out looking? Jeezes I hope not. I guess I look in the mirror a little too often without my glasses. I'm a moderately attractive person. I'm not the one people see and think "I must have her. She is the one to whom I will devote my life, money, time, etc." But I'm also not the one that causes people to recoil in terror upon viewing. However, when I look in the mirror without my glasses, I am a goddess. What does that mean? I am fucking blind without my glasses. Really. I can see basic shapes and color differences, but that's about it. Unfortunately, the rest of the world can see better than I, so I'm stuck with "attractive in a non-classical or non-overwhelming way."

As my father would put it (and perhaps be joking) "Whew, at least I don't have any of those frighteningly good looking daughters. You know the ones you REALLY have to worry about." Thanks Dad.

So, I don't remember if I mentioned my friend Christian coming to Easter dinner with my family, but anyway...
Christian is an unbelievably good looking guy who I know sort of through another friend, Sean. Every few months or so, I see him and I feel like there's some vibage happening (but who knows, I'm often RIDICULOUSLY off on these things). Then a few months ago, I left a phone message for my friend Sean when I was in town. Sean and Christian are roommates. I never heard back from Sean, but the next day Christian called and invited me for breakfast. I thought this was odd, but agreed to go (hell, I don't say no to sex with attractive men).

I went to breakfast, and it was awkward, but fun. Awkward because he and his roommates were all clearly up til 4 am drinking and smoking, and they kept wandering through hungover on the way out the door. Fun, because I can have fun with almost anyone. Anyhow, I was leaving to come back home after that, so I thought, "well, that was a little odd, but whatever" and went along with my life.

So I ran into Christian in the grocery the Friday before Easter and long story short (TOO LATE!) invited him to Easter. Again, once we were alone, some heavy vibage. Again, this could all be coming from me. But then we go to his house, where it's dark, and even with one of his roommates hanging out, there's some chemistry firing. And I know Christian has to get up at 6 am, even so I'm over there until 3 am. Was I hoping to get some? Maybe.

I'm at work on Wednesday, and Christian calls me. We chat for like 20 minutes, and it's a little awkward, mostly because of the consultants listening in while I try to do flirty phone talk. Hmm, what does this mean?

I've been hearing more and more guys talk about not knowing the "signals" women send off. I'm going to make it simple. If I touch you, aside from a handshake or someone throwing me at you, I like you. Perhaps enough to sleep with you. That all depends on the degree of touching. Shoulder: don't bet on it, but maybe interested. Knee: getting friendlier, but still not a sure thing. Thigh: strip me naked and do me, damn it.

I realize this is really over simplified and there are a lot of "perhapses" in there, but come on, if I'm talking to you without a look of complete disdain, you've already got a shot. I will give it this warning though: THIS MAY NOT HOLD FOR EVERY WOMAN OR MAN! This is just a guide to seeing if I, personally, want to sleep with you TONIGHT. This offer may expire and is non-exchangeable.

That being said, it's time for me to go wallpaper a room.

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