Tuesday, October 3, 2006

A little something Something

I have about a dozen projects I could be working on. But I’m distracted. The headache that’s been gnawing away at my will to live finally subsided. I’ve got some decent music on. My projects are actually interesting, but brilliance continues to elude me.
When I’m at work, all I can think about is getting back home to my gorgeous husband. When I’m at home, all I can think about is all the crap I’ve got to do at work. (Side note: I started to type “amazing husband” but unfortunately Tom Cruise has ruined that word for me. Thanks a lot, Maverick). So, pretty much, I suck. Awesome. I’m only 24, and already my focus, concentration and creativity are dead. Ah well, I had a good run.


So, since my office is pretty locked up when it comes to Internet access, I have to use the break room computer kiosk to get to my email. Unfortunately, that computer is slow and loves to completely shutdown. It especially hates Yahoo mail, which is unfortunate, because that’s where my family email goes. So, every day I go in, type the URL into the bar, and wait and wait ….and wait some more. I was getting so pissed at the damn thing, that I’d just abandon ship. Last week, I finally sat through the slowness and counted. 8 seconds. I was sitting there being pissed off that it took the page 8 seconds to load.
I’m officially a spoiled ass American. I’d like to take this opportunity to issue an apology to global community. How fucking ridiculous.


My beautiful darling friend Jen threw a dinner party last weekend. I’ve got to say it was one of the most diverse groups I’ve ever been in, just from a religious standpoint. We had practicing pagans, former Mormons, former Catholics, practicing Catholics, former Muslims, former 7th day Adventists and who knows what else. I don’t know when else I’ve had more fun discussing the price prostitutes in different countries charge. “Not that I’d know anything about this personally.” Of course not. I’d never assume so.


My M-I-L finally managed to get someone to give her all my siblings email addresses. I certainly didn’t do it. I even told her they didn’t “really DO email.” *Sigh*
I tried kids, really I did. Welcome to my world. Being on the receiving end of no less than 5 emails a day ranging from innocuous but annoying chain emails, to racially and culturally abhorrent, to boasting about winning a family fight in an email setting. All of them including bitchy comments about her own children, one of whom I’m married to. Complete with so many typos I can only guess what the hell she was trying to say. Oh, it’s a thrill a minute, I tell you what.


A few weeks ago, one of my girlfriends sent me an email. In this she explained why she may have been acting strangely around me lately. Basically, it boiled down to her feeling like there arebarriers between us, now that I’m married and trying for a family. That she felt like she couldn’t tell me about her stuff, for fear it would all just be trivial shit. While it was hard to take in, it was good to finally understand where she and several of my friends were coming from. It also felt nice to know I’m not just imagining the isolation I feel from them. My closest friends have always been more like family than friends. For the last few months, I’ve felt like I can’t talk to them about my stuff either. I feel awkward talking about my relationship with Xtian.

Like we all have to kind of pretend that I didn’t actually get married. That I’m not so unbelievably happy in my marriage. And it’s my perception. I know that I’m the one who feels weird about it. I want to revel in my happiness, and it’s still fun to introduce my HUSBAND, but I feel like I have to put the mute on. As though I’m afraid that things changed too much, and they’ll recognize that I’m not one of them anymore. It’s kind of lonely. I haven’t been able to really wrap my brain around that before my friend sent that email.

And more than anything I appreciate having a friend who will tell me things like this. And knowing that she didn’t send it to be mean, or make me feel bad, or because she wanted me to call and say, “of course nothing’s changed, it’s the same as it ever was!” Because, honestly, it’s not. While I love my girlfriends and will do pretty much anything for them, Xtian’s my family now and quite honestly, he comes first. It’s a strange realization.

Hope everyone’s Tuesday is going well. There’s a new Gilmore Girls on, and I’m embarrassed to admit how much I’m looking forward to it. I’m such a fucking GIRL sometimes. Thank gawd for football and liking big tits, or I’d have to turn in my dude card.

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