Bitter or Realistic?

And now...

2011-05-23T20:44:00.001-07:00

Not exactly a life goal, but it's a first. I lost my job. I've never been fired or let go from a job, then last week, I got laid off. Honestly, it's a relief. I've known that it could be any day for quite some time, so just getting off the ride feels good. Financially, I've got a couple months worth of expenses in the bank, plus unemployment we'll be ok for a while. And honestly I'm not panicked. I don't have the feeling I'll be unemployed for long. Hopefully.

I've got an interview tomorrow, and I'm hoping it's something that would actually be a good fit. I'm not to the point where I'm desperate for any job. While I have the luxury of time, I'd like to make sure it's a job that will actually work for me and move my career forward. I'm not ready to take a step backward. Yet. So fingers are crossed.

Meanwhile, I'm enjoying some relaxation, and getting to focus on myself for a while. I've been exercising more, spending lots of time with the kids, enjoying my time with Xtian. House projects are getting done and my garden looks great.

So, that's my life right about now.

And... more stress

2011-05-04T14:37:00.001-07:00

So, without going into details, work is awful. In addition to a rewarding but emotionally gut-punching project, my company is tinkering on the verge of complete dissolution. Can't give more information than that, but as of now, every day we wonder if the checks will continue to clear. So, that's unpleasant, but we're all dealing as best we can.

On the other hand, I've discovered yet another beautiful way to destress that I forgot all about. Now that the weather is PERFECT northern CA weather (delightful 80 degrees, sunny, slight breeze. Also known as HEAVEN), I've remembered exactly how freeing driving with the windows down, singing whatever is on the radio at the top of my lungs can be. This is now added to my daily to do list.

It's the simple things, no?

Yes, evidently, it does happen!

2011-05-03T15:29:00.001-07:00

So the project that I'm working on includes two young assistants: Christina and Cameron. They are 24 and 23 years old, respectively. They have been dating for oh... 7 years? Forever, essentially. We have been working side by side for the last four months. A few months ago, I noticed that Christina was getting the flu, fairly often.

A while later, I thought to myself, I think Christina is putting on a little weight. But you know, you never say anything. Girl has her first office job, and it's been really rainy, so active lifestyles are a little tough.

Then last Tuesday Christina gave birth. She absolutely did not realize she was pregnant. The baby is 9 lb. 3 oz and healthy, by all doctor's findings. I seriously have no idea how you can not realize that you are pregnant (at all!) but she didn't. I had suspicions that she might be pregnant, but was told emphatically, no. Never in my craziest dreams would I have imagined she was anywhere close to delivering a big ass baby boy.

And here I was thinking this only happened on TV. Girl is not stupid, but apparently her powers of self-deception are incredible.

I still cannot wrap my head around the situation, so I'm writing about it. Can you imagine, you go to bed after making airline reservations for a New Orleans trip, you wake up not feeling very well, go to the hospital, and 40 minutes later you have a baby? Crap, 9 months isn't enough time to prepare emotionally, mentally, physically for the entire life-changing event. Make all new baby decisions....now! Are you breastfeeding? Vaccinations? Circumcision? Prospective parents spend months weighing these decisions, and still doubt themselves. Poor girl had to decide on the spot.

So, the new little family seems to be doing well, and bless their little hearts, are just rolling with it. Lucky for them, they are a loving couple, their families are dear friends and couldn't be happier, their parents do just fine money-wise and can help them while they get their shit together. I daresay, there are a lot worse situations to find when you enter this world.

On the other hand, holy shit!

2011 is a rough work year.

2011-04-20T14:35:00.001-07:00

So, I'm working on a project for work that is emotionally draining. OF course, this is the biggest understatement of all time. Without sharing too many details, I'm interviewing families who have lost children through violence. For the last 4+ months, I've been researching, interviewing, reviewing stories and people about their murdered kids. As you might imagine, this is horrifying. But, hopefully this will cause some good when all is said and done.
I'm in this place where I both do and don't want to talk about it. I start to breakdown if I don't let it out a little. But I also don't really want to have to share the awful things that you can't un-know. So, instead of talking specifics, I'm going to purge some feelings.
I find myself feeling much more patient with my children. After talking to someone who is still raw and raging 15 years after she lost her son, coming home to children who whine and argue with me doesn't bother me as much. I do get more annoyed at Xtian for being annoyed. If that makes sense. I know, it's not fair. He is with these kids 24 hours a day, unless I can somehow arrange a day off for him. He's going to get annoyed. And he's not sitting 2 feet away from a mother who lost her only child. But in my heart I'm feeling like, who gives a shit if Warren spilled juice again. HE'S HERE!
I've also been having unstoppable morbid thoughts about the horrible things that might happen to my own children. I'm trying to push these out with positive thoughts and realistic statistics, but these thoughts are sneaky. I won't share them here, because I don't want to give them a voice.
I'm completely physically and emotionally exhausted all the time. I wake up from 8 hours of sleep and can barely pull myself out of bed. Being in a constant state of semi-anguish and seeing other peoples' grief up close is draining me of all my energy.
On interview days, I find that I am leaning a little too heavily on my evening cocktails to erase the day. Not to a dangerous degree, just more than I probably should.
There's more but that's all I can get out today.
So, here's what I'm doing to proactively keep the demons at bay:
I'm committing to exercising at least 3 days a week, preferably 5.
I'm committing to spending at least 30 minutes JUST playing with the kids every day. No multi-tasking, no "let's play the laying on the couch game." Doing something they want to do, with them.
I'm increasing my intake of vegetables and am going to start taking my fish oil supplements again.
I'm committing to talking to my friends and family more often and about THEIR lives.
I'm committing to spending time outside every day. Even if it's only a few minutes to water the garden (brief update: It's growing!)

Anything else that helped you get through a time of sustained stress? I'd love more ideas.

Foray Into Gardening

2011-03-28T15:21:00.001-07:00

I think anyone who knows me, knows that I love food. I obsess over food. I read about food. I watch food on tv. I spend a lot of time making food, then more time thinking about what I made, then I make that food again. This nearly dysfunctional interest in food eventually led me to start growing fresh herbs. Anyone who spends any time in the kitchen will tell you that fresh herbs can take ordinary food into some wonderful places. And since I am cheap, I hate buying herbs. They are expensive and always sold in bunches far too large for me to use at once. Inevitably I end up throwing out 2/3 of the herbs I buy. It didn't take me long to start growing my own herbs. Love it. But, aside from the odd tomato plant, or an attempt at green beans, I've largely avoided growing real FOOD.
When Xtian and I bought the house, I knew this was my chance to create an actual garden. One that I would design, build and cultivate 100% start to finish. Xtian and my brother built the first garden box last week. And yesterday, I put in my potato starts. I bit the bullet and purchased 30 different varieties of fruit and vegetables from an heirloom seed company. Those all got their little seedly start in individual pots (until the rest of the garden box is properly set up, at least.) Working on that "Growing Every Vegetable I Eat" goal, I've got: carrots, leeks, chard, beets, onions beginning their germination. I still have dozens of other things to plant, but these needed to be planted ASAP to be in dirt in time for a good growing season.

Now, let's hope I have incredible pictures to show you in a few months, and am soon complaining about all this extra produce! (Wishful thinking? Maybe. But damn it, OPTIMISM!)

Can't Hit "Reply" So It's Going Here Instead

2011-03-21T16:11:00.001-07:00

I have not had a single interaction with my mother-in-law in over 4 years. It has been delightful. We got cell phones and never gave her my number. I blocked her email addresses, and we moved a few times in the last four years. All this means even if she wanted to, she could not communicate with me.

She still texts Xtian periodically, ranging from "Love you!" to screaming diatribes about everything under the sun. Since she no longer has our home address she was sending things to my father's office, so my dad can deliver it to Xtian. My dad would dutifully bring the bizarre packages whenever we were together, and find a private moment to give them to Xtian, but it still embarrassed Xtian to an unbelievable degree.

Frankly, for the most part, I feel sorry for her. She has two wonderful, kind, beautiful sons. She has two grandsons she's never met. But her mental illness and general toxicity means that I will not allow her near my children or myself. It means Cory will never speak to her again. It means that Xtian cringes anytime he gets a text. He won't stop having some kind of relationship with her, but he also tries to limit it. It's awkward, and it's painful for everyone involved, but I'm working on being supportive.

It's not ideal, but Xtian is doing what he can to maintain a reasonable level of happiness, without the guilt that he hurt his mom. He's a good guy, but man did she mess him up in a lot of ways.

I'm not writing here to embarrass him, or even to lampoon Tracy. I'm writing because if I don't write it down somewhere I will explode. After more than four years of silence, she got a new email address and managed to get through my "Crazy Filters." I received the following email a few days ago, and I'm seething:

"Continuing to lie to my son to make miscommuinaction or lack of
communication is wrong. I never have been in a conversatinon with you
father an I do mto waste my time bad mouthing anyone. Sorry for your
errors. The cascade of falslehoods listed n my sons last letter are all
erroneous and I consider the source.

Xtian and Cory are not fools as you think....."

So, some background: I have no idea what she is referring to in the first portion. Clearly, I'm not in charge of what Xtian does, and the only thing I have asked is that he not send pictures of my children. I am not going to let them become part of her fantasy worlds, nor will I let her use them for her own insane purposes. Two years ago Xtian wrote her a letter asking her to back off. He told her that her constant attacks were hurting him, and that insulting and berating his wife (me) is completely uncalled for. He told her that neither he nor I have ever discouraged Cory from talking to her. (As you might recall, she kicked Cory out on Xmas Eve, telling him she never wanted to see or speak to him again, in addition to some other name calling. Why? Because he was coming to visit us.)

The next day was a "nice" email:

"GREETINGS LOVING CHILDREN:

I DO HOPE THAT THIS EMAIL FINDS YOU AND THE LOVELY GRAND KIDS,
WARREN CORIAN (HE REALLY LOOKS JUST LIKE [my dad]) AND LENNOX CHARLES
(WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE MY FATHER AND XTIAN MERGED,) IN THE BEST OF
HEALTH.

I HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY WITH CHARITY ORGANIZATIONS AND MY LIFE A YOU KNOW. JAPAN
WAS DEVISTATED BY THE 8.9 EARTHQUAKE AND THEIR ELEVATED LEVAL 5 NECULAR
PROBLEMS. PLEASE WORK HARD TO SUPPORT THEM AND PRAY FOR THEM!!

GOTTA GO BE COOL AND KEEP IN TOUCH! LOVE TO ALL......THAT APRIL FOOL 'S JOKE ON YOUR CELL XTIAN WAS REALLY FUNNY....KEEP UP THE LAUGHTER TOO" [All caps are hers.]

I know this is all playing out in some make believe world for her. I know that. But even so, the urge to defend myself, to hit back is so strong. But I know hitting "reply" will only unleash the crazy, serving only to enrage me and hurt Xtian. Instead, I'll write my would-be email response here.

Tracy,
First, I have no idea what your son wrote in his last letter. I didn't read it. Second, are you kidding me? You spend your entire life spreading lies about people (see your 3 different stories about WHY you don't have a relationship with your own family, and why for a "career gal" you only work as a temp even after all these years) and badmouthing others. I've seen your text messages, you crazy old bat! As for your repeated efforts to send insane packages to your son (What the fuck would he do for a coupon for a pizza place in Beverly Hills?) through my father, you are clearly unable to think about how your actions impact others. How do you think my family feels when they receive vitriolic, ranting, disgusting emails and letters from you? How do you think my father explains why he gets crazy packages from a deranged woman at least once a month? Do you think that reflects well upon him at work? And how about how Xtian might feel? If he wanted to get things from you, he would have given you his address. If you were a real mother in any capacity, you would respect his wishes and repeated requests to simply leave him alone.

You know, the funniest part of all this, that letter was sent over a year ago. The fact that you are mentioning it now just shows that you obsess about the entire situation. The thing is, no one even thinks about you in our home. Cory is doing better than ever; he's happy, working, in school, with a nice girlfriend and goals he's working toward. Xtian has a family who loves him, unconditionally, and a slew of in-laws who love him like their own. My sons don't even know you exist and they aren't missing a thing.

Finally, don't you EVER mention my children as though you know them. You can invent lies about, and try to tear down your own children and me, for that matter. But you will NOT involve my children in your sick fantasy world. You will not warp them into what you think they are. How ever you are getting pictures of them, I can't stop that. But you have to earn the right to comment on them, and you have not earned it.

You know, I hadn't thought about you for months, until you emailed. For all the thought anyone in this family gives you, you may as well not exist. Get help, or fuck off and die already. Either option is equally acceptable.

Sincerely,
Coley

Ahhhhh, that feels better.

And you know, I just realized, she used my abbreviation for Xtian's name on her own. Maybe she's found this blog and will read that. Maybe she'll actually listen for once. But probably, she won't. And that's a bit of a shame. But, to quote the inimitable Xtian, "I'll be fine."

29

2011-02-03T07:41:00.001-08:00

Today I turned 29 years old. Holy crap.
I'm pretty used to be the youngest person in the room. I've tended to do things earlier than others, and have always been pretty comfortable with people a few years ahead of me.

This is not so much the case anymore. I have a couple new employees these days, and they are 24 and 25 years old. Now, I feel about 300 years older than them. This has so much less to do with being 29, and more to do with the really obnoxious, "when I was your age" thoughts I keep having. At 24, I was married and working to support my little family. At 25, I'd had my first kid. I think that's what makes you old, realizing that the "young kids" might only be a few years behind you, but their experiences are already completely different. The social context changes so fast. Songs and movies that were so present in my childhood are completely off their radar. It makes you feel socially irrelevant, no matter how old or young you are.

Meanwhile, the house is almost finished. The only thing left to do before moving in: painting the living room and hallways, and cleaning the shit out of the place.

I'm actually really excited that there is not going to be a single white wall in the entire house. After renting for more than a decade, I'm so done with the "fuck it all" rental white every landlord in the world paints their properties. I get it, white is cheap, and easy to fix when your tenant jacks up your walls. It's also so glaringly impersonal it make me want to gouge my eyes out. But maybe that's just me.

Poor Xtian has spent every single day painting from whenever I can get home from work, until 3 or 4 am. I think he might be getting a little too old for pulling all-nighters. Especially when his "day job" is still parenting two children at challenging ages. I think a couple more days of work, and he'll be finished.

I'm having a really hard time mustering any enthusiasm for my birthday. Some of it is the old, "Well I have to work, and none of my chores stop, so it's really just another day" and that by the time my birthday rolls around, we've already had half a dozen other birthdays in a week, so I'm a little birthdayed out. And of course, Lennox's birthday (a few days after mine) now takes precedence. But another part is that, I don't make enough effort to make it special, then I feel crummy when no one else makes a big deal about it. Yes, it's passive aggressive and annoying. I'm working on that.

So, musings on 29 years worth of existence. Huzzah!

Scratch another one off the list

2011-01-24T20:43:00.001-08:00

So, we bought a house. It's taken forever, but we finally got the keys today. There's a lot to do before we want to move in. It's pretty well ready, but we have some wishlist items. Painting, new carpet, fixing a few little issues. But no matter what, we'll be there by February 19! Hooray.

The best part is that even with all taxes, insurance etc, it's still $250 less than the rent I'm paying right now. HUZZAH!

Another life goal: completed.

Three

2010-12-21T21:10:00.001-08:00

Yesterday Warren turned 3 years old. I'm having a really hard time believing it's already/only been three years. I know, every parent says this, but I really can't believe that my tiny (or not so tiny) baby is a fully functional kid. At the same time, I feel like he's been with us forever.

Warren is such a funny little person. He will go to ridiculous lengths to get a laugh, from me, from Xtian, Lennox... pretty much anyone. He makes you work hard to get his affection, but once you have it, he is 100% devoted to you. It's really refreshing to spend time with someone who hasn't been battered into reigning in his enthusiasm. He still throws himself at you to get a hug. He's so excited when he succeeds at something he visibly shakes until he can hug or high five someone.

Warren is completely obsessed with Lennox. They cuddle and hug each other constantly. If Lennox falls asleep in the car, Warren scolds us for speaking too loudly. "Don't bother Lennox," he stage whispers. "He's sleeping!" And it makes me laugh out loud every single time. That protective side of him is so sweet and reminds me why people have multiple children.

I could write adoration and love for Warren for days on end. But there's only so much time in the day. Instead, bask in how far he's come:
Warren: 4 days old.

Warren: 3 years old.

I heart stay at home spouse.

2010-10-21T16:10:00.001-07:00

Feeling a little rundown as illness threatens to take over my system.

But, an update was in order, not that anyone still reads this anymore. At this point it's kind of my own personal diary in which to mumble on about myself every couple months. Whatever.

Out of nowhere, it seems that Lennox is 8 months old, and Warren is closing in on three. I don't know how it happens. Life continues on in a good way. Work is relatively calm these days. Some good projects on the horizon, wrapped up my big project with only a handful of loose ends to handle.

Can I tell you how awesome it is to have Xtian staying home with the kids these days? Having a stay-at-home spouse is f'ing phenomenal. I can totally see why men have tried to get their women to stay home all these years. Things just get done! If an errand needs to be run, he can do it during the day! If we need someone to come fix something, I don't have to figure out how to arrange my work to allow me to be home at the right time. It's incredible. And the kids seem to like it too. They have their routines and their fun trips to story time, or the various and sundry parks all over this town.

Of course, financially this won't be able to last forever. Not quite yet. But, it has been helpful to see that we are really close to making this our permanent reality. And that it works for us. If we had a little more money to spare, I'd love to get Warren into a 2 day a week preschool or something. I think Xtian could use the little break and Warren would really like the socialization. We don't really have friends with kids nearby enough who are also available during the day for a playgroup. So, that's one thing I think we could improve upon. But maybe soon.

I'm really pretty happy these days. And once we get out of this godforsaken rental home, I'll be 100% thrilled. The house is fine, the landlord is just such a pain. I think I'll leave the landlord sucks story for another day. Mama needs some tea and an early bed time.

Hopefully getting rid of the funkies.

2010-09-28T21:07:00.001-07:00

Mean thoughts I've had in the last 24 hours:
1. I hope that guy falls down the back stairs
2. I want to choke the very life out of you
3. I wish an STD on you and your children
4. SHUT THE FUCK UP LENNOX
5. I wish Warren still felt sick. He's so good when he's sick.
6. I hope that kid trips
7. Dear god, can you see you?
8. If I had a front butt, I would not wear that
9. Holy shit, you are the trashiest human being alive
10. Why oh why are you allowed to continue to exist?

Ok, now having purged that, let's hope I can move on to a more positive space.

Babies are Cute

2010-09-09T16:26:00.001-07:00

I have to be honest, I'm really enjoying having two boys right now. Warren is getting a little more cooperative, and we're learning how to work with his personality better. Lennox is getting so big and his fun, sweet little personality is starting to show. I'm a little retardedly in love with these boys. But what is really wrenching my heart into pretzels these days is watching Warren and Lennox interact. I know years form now they will be fighting and arguing and making me rue the day. However, right now they are obsessed with each other. Their eyes completely light up when they see each other. They just can't seem to get enough of one another. They hold hands in the car. Warren has so much patience with Lennox, I almost can't believe it. When Lennox gets upset, Warren knows what to do to calm him down. When Warren is upset, he can be comforted by cuddling with Lennox.

At least 20 times a day I find myself thinking "THIS! This is why I wanted more than one kid." Yes, it is hectic, and chaotic, and every day is kind of a sprint. But since Xtian has been home with them, I've been LOVING coming home. I think he's falling into stride too. He's getting used to the rhythm of being at home, and figuring out what is fun and what is torture with the kids. And for reals, I really like having him home.

Right about now, I'm seeing how much easier life is when only one person is out of the house 80 hours a week.

And more good news!

2010-08-23T08:09:00.001-07:00

Sorry, that was sarcastic. We had a rough few weeks at Casa De Coley.

Just when financially we were starting to make some progress, and I could almost see us buying a home, we got a one-two knockout combo. First: A credit check uncovered the fact that Xtian's mother (she of the crazy) has been stealing Xtian's identity, running up phone and power bills and never paying them. When they cut her off, she moves, and opens new ones using his name and Social Security number. The cycle has been going on for at least four years. So, that SUCKS! And they are still trying to hold us responsible for the unpaid bills. The worst part, however, is the emotional toll it's taking on Xtian. I'll get more into that later. The second hit: less than 24 hours after discovering exactly the depths of his mom's depravity, Xtian was let go from his job. Yay.

Between those two events, Xtian is shell shocked. He's known his mother is mentally ill, and goes to great lengths to keep up her skewed version of events and the world. He knows she is destructive, hurtful and awful. But this crossed a line. This has actual real-life non-emotional consequences. This could keep Xtian from owning a home ever. This is actual crime committed against your own child. Can you even imagine? It's absolutely enraging for
me. I want that woman to suffer, I'm so angry at her... how do you do
that to your own kid? How?

And then you get let go from a job you really liked, that paid well, and where they really liked you. Just a bit too much for one man.

Now financially, we'll be ok. A week after he lost his job, I got a pretty big pay increase, enough to cover our bills. But not enough to get us moving forward again. But between the raise and some unemployment, we shouldn't lose much ground.
And if there is a silver lining to discovering your mother has been stealing your identity and screwing your credit up ridiculously, then it would be this: at least this can be the final straw for him. He can finally feel like he's free to break off all contact, without guilt. It's not him, it is her. He has felt guilty over the godawful mess his mother is for years, but this is unforgiveable. Or so he says.

Mostly, I'm impressed that he managed to file a police report. That couldn't have been easy for him, but he did it.

So, that's what's going on with us. Hooray.

Life-Manager Coley

2010-08-02T08:02:00.001-07:00

I thought I had reached some deadlines last week. Turns out, I was wrong. I have even more to do this week.

In the interest of feeling like I'm doing better at anything in life
right now, Xtian and I went on a date on Saturday. My new goal is to
have a date at least once a month. I know, other people will tell you
they have a date night each week, but that just isn't realistic for us
at this point. Between finding childcare, paying for childcare, having
a few spare hours of time, and enough cash to do anything all at the
same time, it's like an act of Congress to get it together. So, we're
aiming for monthly. Xtian planned this one, and we went miniature
golfing, followed by dinner at a Brazilian barbecue. The golfing was
more fun than I expected (considering I suck at it, and am a poor sport
when I suck), the food was awesome... more money than we wanted to
spend, but screw it. It was grilled meats skewered onto a sword and
carved at your table. Delish. I better start wracking my brain for a
date idea for August....

But, our date on Saturday happened to be the fifth anniversary of the
day we moved in together. Which is weird to think we've been together
for 5 years. Some days it seems we've been married for 50 years, other
days I wonder "Who the hell is this guy?" But we're actually doing
pretty well considering we're living in some pretty stressful times. I
had a minor blowup last week, the burden of having to be "in charge of
everything" made me lose my mind. Xtian is great, and tries really hard
to be helpful. But he will not lift a finger to do anything unless I
specifically ask him to. Then about half the time, he forgets about it
until I ask again. So, this creates a situation where I walk around
pissed because no one else notices the cat box being disgusting?
Really? Then I feel like I'm always barking orders or nagging, or I'm
resentful because I feel like I'm doing everything. Add my insane
workload at my job lately, and two children (again, I'm the person who
is the "baby manager." Xtian will change diapers, give baths, etc so
long as he is given instructions).

It all boils down to, everything is my responsibility, either because I
have to do it myself, or because I'm in charge of delegating and
following up. I went out of town for 24 hours weekend before last. I
had a great time. It should have been an awesome weekend. Except when I
got home, no progress had been made on any of the weekend-routine
duties (tidying up the house, preparing for the week ahead, getting
ready for family visits... etc). So, while I did get one day away, I
came back to the exact same amount of work that now needed to be done
in about a quarter of the time.

So, I finally blew up and told Xtian I'm tired of being the
life-manager for everyone in the household. That I need him to be more
proactive in noticing what needs to be done, then just doing it.
Something as simple as, "hey there's a piece of trash on the living
room floor. Perhaps I should pick it up and throw it away," instead of
just ignoring it, or assuming I'll take care of it.

My blow up took place in the morning, and for once I didn't call names
or get insulting. (I may have thrown a few, just leave me the F* alones
in there, but honestly... not bad for me) I told him I was really
frustrated and starting to feel really resentful. I told him what I
needed him to do, and asked if what I expected was too much. Then I
left the house, went to work and let him mull it over all day. We
talked a little before bed that night, and things are starting to
improve. He still doesn't realize everything that has to be done to
keep our house moving forward, but instead of being angry, I've been
saying "Honey, did you notice that when you made lunch, you spilled
water all over the counters and food on the floor? These are the things
I need you to notice, then fix so I don't have to be a bitch." And he's
trying. I'll give him credit, for that.

So, those are the mundane things going on in my life. How you doing?
Anyone want to share their BS annoyances so I don't feel like such an
ungrateful 1st worlder?

Ass Kicking: Work is.

2010-07-30T13:56:00.001-07:00

This month has been the hardest month of work I have ever had. As of today, everything I can possibly do, is done. I'm waiting on a few reviews, but until anyone gets back to me, I'm off the hook. Of course, that means I'll be getting all feedback over the weekend, which kind of sucks, but whatever. I can run a phonecall with a little rum in my system, right?

And so, now, even though it's barely 2 pm, I'm going home. I'm going to enjoy my children. I'm going to spend some time with Xtian. I'm going to be patient, and only turn on my computer when I absolutely have to.

And in a couple of months, when the confidentiality is a moot point, I will share exactly what I've been working on and can step back and say "Damn. I can't believe I actually did that!" But in a good way.

Oof

2010-07-21T20:41:00.001-07:00

Holy Crap. I am exhausted. Today while driving the kids to daycare, before I drove myself to work, I realized that if I blinked for longer than a split second, I would fall asleep. And it almost sounded worth it. That is when I realized... I need to find a way to get more rest.
I've been getting up at 4 am to work out and shower before work. Of course, I rarely get to bed before 10:30 or 11 pm. As you may have noticed, that's not much sleep. It's significantly less sleep when your nights still consist of at least two rounds of "rush to the kids' room so you can slap a binky in the baby's mouth."

That said, I'm actually really enjoying most of my life. Work is hectic as all get out, but my projects are engaging and fun. I'm enjoying the kids more often than not. I've been able to see friends and family fairly often. Xtian and I are still having trouble finding the time and energy to devote to "us-time"but we're at least talking about that. I'm not dissatisfied with our relationship, I just know it's not terribly healthy to spend all our time together in constant survival mode. "Did you bathe the kids?" "Yeah, did you pack their snacks?" "Not yet, can you get the diapers washed while I make dinner?" And that's on the lucky nights he's home before I'm in bed.

I know our crazy schedules will let up at some point, but right now, I don't feel like I'm being the spouse and partner I need to be. But it's on the radar... and some day soon... we'll get a scheduled date or something. It's just rough, because we never know what any day of the week will bring. Without notice, he could be stuck at work until 10 pm and there's nothing we can do about it. So it doesn't make sense to make plans, since 60% of the time, we'll have to blow them all off anyway.

On the plus side, our weekends are starting to slow down. So at least we can start making plans for Saturdays.

But, I really wanted to share that my boys are indescribably cute. Just in case you were wondering. As much as I whine about kids, and what a pain in the ass they are... I'm so looking forward to adding more biscuits to the bunch. Warren and Lennox are so sweet together. They are madly in love with each other. At least every day there is a moment where I watch them and can think "THIS is why I wanted siblings for Warren. This moment right here." Like sitting in dead stopped traffic, and realizing that Lennox is laughing hysterically at Warren's funny faces, and then getting to listen to them go back and forth in hilarity all the way home. These babies are incredible.

Sweetums

2010-07-06T21:19:00.001-07:00

Warren is officially in a big boy bed. A surprisingly painless transition. I'm really ready to move Lennox out of my room, but I'd hesitated to do it too soon after getting Warren out of the crib. I really didn't want Warren to connect losing his crib with Lennox in any way. You know, avoiding that whole "baby took my bed" fit.

Warren's been in his bed for a few weeks now, so last night as I was tucking him in, I started telling him about how he and Lennox would be sharing a room soon. (We've found that giving Warren a little advanced notice of new things he does a great job of handling potentially stressful situations.) Warren's eyes lit up when he heard that his baby brother would soon be sleeping in the crib. He asked me to put Lennox in there right now. I told him that was fine, so long as he left Lennox alone, and was nice and quiet that we could try it for the night. Lennox was already out cold, so I put him in the crib, turned on the baby monitor and kissed Warren goodnight.

About half an hour later, Xtian and I were downstairs, folding laundry, enjoying a delightful bourbon, when I heard some very quiet chatter over the baby monitor. Xtian peaked in on them only to find Warren had silently sneaked into the crib and was cuddled up with Lennox, telling him god-knows-what stories, and keeping the binky in the baby's mouth. And that is a level of cute you cannot imagine.

Here's why that story warms my soul so much. We've given Warren a lot of praise about being a good brother, and being sweet to the baby. And he's been awesome. But how much of his good behavior remains when no one is around to give him attention for being good with the baby? Well, now we know. Warren is genuinely loving with Lennox regardless of the situation or who is watching.

That little moment last night? That is EXACTLY why I wanted to have another kid. Yes, many days involve terrifying logistical issues, but then your babies make eye contact and positively glow with mutual adoration. And you get a moment that will keep you moving through the revolving door that is your life right now for another day.

Father's Day.

2010-06-21T07:40:00.001-07:00

For this last Father's day weekend, Xtian planned to climb Mt. Shasta again with my dad and my brother. They did not make it to the top this time. My dad went up early on Friday to set up base camp, Xtian and Chris had to work in the morning, so they went up later. Dad mentioned to my mom that he was "feeling a little sick" before he even started out. Now any other man who has suffered a stroke previously might take this as a sign to call it off. But, we're a "tough it out" family, so he carried a 56 pound pack halfway up a mountain.
By the time Chris and Xtian met up with him, my dad was loopy and gray-faced. It was too late to go back down, so they waited until morning, redistributed the packs and hightailed it back to the cars. From all accounts, it sounds like my dad had a heart attack. Of course, being my father, he has not been to a doctor yet. Yes, this does make me angry. No, I'm not going to get started.

So, that made for an awesome Father's Day.

The other portions of the weekend were much more fun, and less dramatic. I owe a sweetie entry for Xtian, but no time for it now.

God I hate basketball season

2010-06-15T21:21:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have the experience where you think you're chatting with someone else, only to discover that while YOU might be talking, THEY are watching basketball? Yeah, happening to me a lot lately.

A few things of note

2010-06-08T21:32:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to put the following out there:

Eating dinner at what is normally your bed time really jacks up your evening.

When you are surrounded by people who have five times as much work to do, try not to whine about how little time you have. It tends to make your overwhelmed coworkers want to punch you in the throat.

When you are talking on the phone in a public restroom, you have no right to glare at someone for flushing a toilet. It's a bathroom, you ass. (Yes, I think I've mentioned this a time or two, but it happened again yesterday. Seriously?)

Let it be known, on this day, I was glad for the Northern California Summer heat. Mentioning it now, since in a month I'll be wishing for the sweet release of death.

Maker's Mark on ice is delicious.

Avocado is quite possibly the greatest food ever discovered.

Chocolate covered cranberries are causing my weight loss to completely stall out.

My baby is unfathomably cute.

My toddler absolutely kills me with his musical tastes (Queen? Really? Awesome)

Sometimes a kitty in your lap is the greatest thing ever. Other times it makes you want to strangle a cat.

That is all.

Sprinting to the finish, everyday.

2010-06-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

Yowza. Time is flying by. I hardly have time to sit down and breathe, let alone write for pleasure. On the plus side, work is awesome. The projects I'm working on are fun, exciting and make me happy to get up in the morning. And that's all I'm allowed to say about them for now.

On the family front, I feel like I'm doing a better job of balancing my family time and my work time. I am leaving work at a decent hour. I am also making it a point to run after work a few days a week. These two things have helped me to have more time at home, and to be in a better mental place once I get there.

The kids are getting into the swing of things as well. Lennox is a charming little lump of giggles. He is getting so big and starting to do things on his own, and he's trying to scootch about already. Meanwhile, he's so chill. He will let me do anything I need to get done, so long as he can sit in his little bouncy chair within sight of me. Warren is working really hard to listen and help. His fit throwing has gotten so much better these days. I don't know if I'm learning better ways to deal with his emotional breakdowns, or if he is just gaining the ability to cope better, but either way, things are so much more pleasant around here these days.

All of which is crucial right now, since Xtian is working incredibly insane hours. At least twice a week he's stuck at work until after 10 pm. Yes, that is rough on everyone. He's tired, I'm overwhelmed by being solo parent all night, and the kids miss him when they go for days without seeing him.

As always, our saving grace, is Cory. The kid just picks up the slack, and steps in when I'm about to lose it in one respect or another. Whether it's distracting Warren, holding Lennox, doing the dishes, or even just chatting with me (oh my god, adult social interaction! Yay!) he's just there, exactly where I need him to be.

The only place that is not settling down is the whole "spending time with your spouse" thing. It's just a lack of TIME. Even on nights he's home at a reasonable hour, by the time we get everything put together, kids fed, bathed and put to bed, and have everything ready for the next day, I'm exhausted and brain fried. So, even when we have an hour to spend together, I'm just DONE. And he's about the same. Even our weekends are discombobulated lately. We each have separate obligations or plans, or are busily trying to get all the household chores or errands done... it's been a little rough.

But, once June is over, we should have a little bit of a break, and can hopefully spend a little leisure time together.
This whole parenting thing, is like being in a constant strategic battle. But at least we're mostly having fun.

First week down

2010-05-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

My first week back at work is over. Working was fine, but man, trying to start the routine is killer. Most nights Xtian didn't get home until 7 pm or later, and on daycare days the kids are a mess. Between trying to get everyone organized and keep everyone happy and having fun, it's a little tough right now. I'm sure we'll settle into a routine, but right now I'm a little wrecked.

Speaking of daycare, I'm having a hard time with a few things. I like the people a lot and Warren has a really good time with his friends there. But my parenting choices are at odds with theirs. It's not the big things, but they are things that make a big difference in the kids' attitudes. The big issues are food and TV. The TV is less of an issue for Warren now (he's allowed to watch some TV now, and they have the tube on much more than I would like, but Warren mostly ignores it and plays with toys.), but so far Lennox has been there 2 days, and 2 days I've arrived to find Lennox (who is 3-months old, by the way) staring at the television.

I feel like this one is easy to deal with right now. Lennox is immobile, so I just need to ask them to make sure he's turned AWAY from the TV. I can't imagine they can possibly fault me there.

The harder issue is food. I'm not a total stickler for food. Warren has had cookies and non-healthy snacks. But those are only in special/extreme circumstances. Warren's diet consists of whole wheat bread, that I bake, all-natural peanut butter, a lot of fresh and dried fruit, and a handful of veggies that he likes. Sometimes, I can get a yogurt into him. That's pretty much all he eats. But at daycare, "fruit" means pre-packaged fruit snacks that are primarily high fructose corn syrup. Juice can mean kool-aid. Yesterday Warren let it slip that he gets chocolate at daycare. CHOCOLATE TO A 2-YEAR-OLD WHO DOES NOT GET SUGAR. And yes, I've had conversations with the daycare folks about Warren's food needs.

I've mostly ignored the issue to this point. Not everyone feels the way I do, and the kids are only there two days a week. So, nutritionally, I know he's fine. On the other hand, I know that Warren's shitty attitude on daycare days has a lot to do with all the sugar and crap he's eating all day. Certainly, some of the horror can be attributed to the stress from the chaotic environment and the crummy naps he gets at daycare. (At home, Warren takes 3-4 hour, completely undisturbed naps. At daycare, I'm sure it's nothing like that.) But the multiple meltdowns in the few hours we get to spend at home before bed are horrible.

The problem is this, I can't expect them to make special meals for Warren. And if everyone else is getting a snack and Warren is left out, that sets up a nasty dynamic. Not my goal. So, there's not really a point in having a conversation about it. All it will do is create friction in the relationship, and we need this situation to continue working for a while yet. Are these two issues worth finding a new daycare? I don't know. I feel like it isn't. But I also know that the first reasonable-feeling excuse to find new arrangements, I will.

Again, it's not that I'm terribly unhappy. I feel conflicted. I like the people and I know that Warren is having fun and learning there. I hate how nasty and fragile Warren is when he gets home. And right now, Lennox doesn't really know the difference. The only impact going back to work seems to have on Lennox is that once I get home Lennox wants to nurse every 10 minutes. And that makes getting organized for the next day really hard. (Yeah, try making dinner when you get interrupted every 10 minutes and have to spend 20 minutes with a baby attached to you.)

Hopefully we'll find our groove soon. Because, man, am I ever tired.

And it'

Getting Ready

2010-04-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

I love my children. I am ridiculously enamored of them, and can bore you to tears by telling you the adorable and charming things they do and say on a daily basis.

That being said, I really feel that I'm a better parent when I am not with my children 24 hours a day, every day. I need some space and distance from my loved ones (not just the kids) in order to maintain my sanity. I have significantly more patience when there is some variety to my day, and more parts of my brain are exercised. When I have the time to miss the kiddos.

I have really enjoyed this opportunity to be home with my children. Especially since these 12 weeks off work allowed me to soak up Lennox and bond with him in such a strong way. It's been a lot of fun. It became less fun when Xtian started his new job. You see, Xtian's new job involves a ton of overtime. Which is awesome from a paycheck perspective, but it is less awesome when he arrives home long after the kids are in bed, several days a week. It's just a very long day of being the primary parent. (And honestly, I've got Cory for back up most days, so I have it much easier than most people. I can't imagine how horrid it could be if you didn't have backup.)

I have nothing but the deepest respect for parents who choose to stay at home with their children for the long haul. My mom stayed at home with us and was incredible. But I'm just not one of those people. My disposition is just not made for this. I am not patient enough. Nor am I motivated to really do anything interesting with my time. I'm not a hobby kind of person, so once the house is clean, the kids are fed and any conceivable cooking/baking projects have been exhausted, I'm kind of out of ideas. Without a job, I find that I have all this time but nothing productive to do with it. Being at home is wasted on me. (Perhaps I would feel differently if I owned my home and thus projects around the house would actually be appealing?)

The last few months have been great in a lot of ways. One way in particular is that it gave me the chance to actually prove that I can parent two children without aid.

We've had Cory with us since the day after Warren came home from the hospital. As long as I have had kids, I've had some backup. It is excellent, and I recommend it if you have the means. However, I have often wondered if I am capable of taking care of my kids, by myself for any extended period of time. Once Lennox arrived, and my mom went back home, I decided to not ask Cory for help. It wasn't always easy and I probably lost my cool more often than I would have liked, but I did it. And that was terribly gratifying to the achievement-addict in me.

Broken laptops suck.

2010-04-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

Remember when I used to write here more than once a month? Yeah, me neither.

I go back to work in a week and a half. I can't believe it's already been 3 months. I'm really looking forward to going back to work, but I'm more than a little anxious about the logistics. Xtian recently started a new job (he wasn't looking for a new job but an old coworker called and offered him more money. Hooray!) which involves a lot of extra hours. And as we all know, my job certainly involves a large time commitment. So with both of us working insane hours, I have a feeling this transition will be a little rough.

Cory is still here and providing childcare for half the week. The rest of the week we'll be using the same daycare people. I really like the people, and the other kids. But by it's nature, it is chaotic. There are a lot of kids, and they all feed off each others' energy and by the end of the day, Warren is a complete basket case. Add a tiny baby to that equation, and I fear we're heading toward complete familial horror. And regardless, poor Cory is going to end up picking up a lot of slack.

It will all settle in eventually, but the adjustment period is sizing up to be BRUTAL.

Brief update on the kiddos: Warren is alternately the most hilarious, charming, delightful thing you've ever seen, and the most obnoxious little shit you can imagine. Mostly, he's a two-year-old. Right now, at least the good stuff outweighs the bad.

Lennox is killing me with cute. He laughs and smiles and coos and gurgles at me. For hours at a time. Of course, the fact that the kid sleeps like a champ and is happy to let me do whatever I need to all day, so long as he's in the room with me, really makes him seem even cuter.

I realize that we are all programmed to think our kids are cute. And yes, my children are freakin' adorable. I can also recognize that other peoples' children are also cute. But, is it just me, or are the number of less-than-cute babies on the rise? There have been a rash of awkward looking babies around lately. (Not anyone around here, of course. I wouldn't be so rude to write that if I thought anyone reading here had an ugly baby.) But, man does it make me feel smug to walk away from an unattractive-baby encounter and look at my kids, knowing they are much better than those sub-par kids.

Yes, I am that parent. So sue me.

Bonding

2010-03-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

I'm on maternity leave, meaning I do not get a paycheck. In an effort to be prepared for this time, I purchased a short-term disability policy from AFLAC last year. I filed my paperwork to start collecting my benefits the day before I went on maternity leave. Here we are, 7 weeks later, and I have yet to received a single penny.

Why? Because AFLAC can't seem to communicate with my doctor to prove that I gave birth and how. They want to confirm whether it as a c-section because they pay more for c-section deliveries. Since it was NOT a c-section, I'm here waiting so they can confirm that I get less of a benefit. This is ridiculous. Meanwhile, the state of California, for all the budget problems and furloughs has been batting 1000 in getting me my paid family leave money on time, every time. In fact, when I forgot to check a box on a form, I got a phone call from the state within 2 days to check the information.

In this instance: Private For Profit Company: SUCKS. State-run Department: Rocking it.

~~~~

In Lennox's birth story, I alluded to how difficult I found bonding with Warren after the horrible delivery. A friend asked how I found bonding this time around.

Within 2 seconds of being born, Lennox was snuggled to my chest, and didn't leave my sight until he was taken for his circumcision the next day. To this day, I've only been away from this baby a total of about 10 hours. I always wake up 2 minutes before he needs to eat in the middle of the night, no matter what. When he does cry, as soon as he hears my voice or feels my touch, he stops. I don't know how, but I always seem to know exactly what he needs.

Part of this is due to having gone through this before. But there is no doubt in my mind that the immediate bonding has a huge impact. I don't feel "trapped" by the constant togetherness, like I sometimes felt at first with Warren. Warren openly preferred Xtian for the first year and half of his life. In stressful situations, Warren needed Xtian, not me. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that Xtian was there with him throughout the first hours of Warren's life, and got to hold him almost immediately. On the other hand, I didn't get to touch him until hours after his birth while I was shaking uncontrollably in the recovery room.

I documented the difficulty I had with nursing Warren for the first few months. I didn't get to initiate breastfeeding until we were back in the maternity ward. And I was so tired, I couldn't keep my eyes open while the nurse tried to tell me her name. So, nursing did not start off easily with Warren.

With Lennox, we started nursing within moments of his birth and haven't had a single problem yet.

Of course, this is not to say that I feel any differently toward either kid. It just took a lot longer to get to this point with Warren. We got there, it was just much bumpier. And I think my complete adoration of Warren is fairly obvious. I mean, come on. The kid is completely gorgeous, charming, fun and funny.

And for the last year, Warren has been glued to me any chance he gets. So, clearly the slow bonding has not done anything to harm our mother-child relationship on the long term. And I wonder if Lennox's eventual, inevitable distancing from me will be harder because our bond was so immediate and so intense.

I guess we'll find out when the time comes.

Parenting is so much easier when you aren't outnumbered

2010-03-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

My mom has been off work all week (Spring Break for the school she works at) so she's been hanging out with me and the kiddos. I have to say, if you have the means to have two adults to every child in your care, go for it. And if one of those adults just happens to be your child's very favorite-est person, all that much better. Good heavens, it's easier to be patient and kind to a two-year-old when you're well rested and not the only person in charge of paying attention to him or her.

Warren is at the stage where he needs to talk about things...a lot. We repeat the same words, sentences, stories over and over and over again. And he's not satisfied to just say it, he wants me to pay close attention, agree with him and also share his enthusiasm. Which is cute the first 72 times you've talked about the orange truck down the street. But that 73rd time it starts to grate on your nerves.

Lennox figured out smiling this week. And cooing. I have a theory about this. I think babies know exactly how far they can push you before you lose it entirely. So, after 5 weeks of sleep deprivaation, jumping to attention at the slightest hint of a cry, and countless hours giving over your body to nourish the little thing, you might be wondering why the hell you are doing this. So, the kid takes pity on you and gives you a little smile and some gurgling noises and it restores your soul. Evolution at work, people. If babies weren't so cute, we'd all leave them on the hospital doorstep.

That said, I'm not complaining. Lennox is a really good baby. Eats well, sleeps well, and is generally happy to go with the flow. Which is nice, since Warren is very intent on his own agenda these days. After almost 6 weeks home with him, I think we're getting to a good place. There are a lot of changes around here, with a lot of new rules and happenings. The first few weeks were not so good. But I think Warren and I have figured out how to work with each other, and that when we are both patient and kind, we have much more fun.

Of course, this is all subject to change at the drop of a hat. So, don't quote me on this when I'm back here railing about my horrible snot-face of a kid.

And after a month of missing Xtian, in a *ahem* physical manner, we're back in action. I've found it's much easier to be nice to Xtian when we're both...relaxed. After a month on the "injured reserve list" I feel just pissy and totally disconnected from my partner. So, let's just say my entire household should be glad I got the all-clear from my doctor.

So, with that over-share, calling it a night. Remind me to tell you how I lost my child at a mall. Parent of the Year material right here.

Foul-smelling but getting thin.

2010-03-11T14:16:00.001-08:00

My entire house smells vaguely like urine and old milk. This is less than pleasant, but when your entire wardrobe is covered in breastmilk there's only so much I can do about it.

Lennox is now a month old, and I'm enjoying this little bug immensely. Warren is still crazy in love with the little guy, which is super endearing. Warren is happiest when he can hug and kiss his "Lemick" and this is fabulous. Slightly less fabulous since Warren's rocking a nasty cold right now, but I can't fault the guy for his intentions.

I'm very pleased to say that I am currently wearing pre-pregnancy jeans. Not just wearing, but wearing comfortably, and the jeans have not even a modicum of stretch to them. So, that's awesome. Right there is one of the best arguments for breastfeeding I can give. 25 pounds, gone in matter of three weeks, without having to limit my food intake or really exercise.

Labor Story: Lennox

2010-02-28T17:10:00.000-08:00

Once again, I will give fair warning. If you have not had children, or are a little squeamish, you may want to skip this. Not that this was a bad delivery at all or anything. I just always hate when people push labor stories onto unsuspecting or unwilling listeners. So this is your chance to back out.

Warren's delivery played a significant role in how I prepared for Lennox's birth. For those who weren't around when Warren arrived you can read his delivery story here, or I'll just give a quick recap. Due to some decade-old medical issues, I had a significant amount of cervical scar tissue that would not allow for any dilation when I went into labor with Warren. This lead to a number of medical interventions that all combined to create a horrible delivery. Labor lasted more than 33 hours, involved Pitocin, the baby being horribly positioned (not even "sunny side up" sideways... meaning the biggest part of his head was trying to push out through the narrowest part of my pelvis) epidural, two-plus hours of pushing that resulted in getting Warren thoroughly stuck in my pelvis, and an emergency c-section. So, my worst possible delivery that still resulted in a healthy baby.

With this in my medical history, my chances of having a normal vaginal delivery were iffy. I really wanted to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean), but was trying to temper my expectations and view it realistically. So, I did everything I could to prepare.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I was most afraid of, and the answer was not a horrible delivery. It was that my body would fail me again. That was how Warren's birth left me feeling, that I was robbed of the birth experience, and that it negatively impacted bonding with Warren, made breastfeeding really hard and made for a horrifying recovery.

I read every book that mentioned VBAC delivery, and found that VBACs are least successful when there are medical interventions. And after Warren's delivery, I was well aware of how quickly one issue leads to a cascade of interventions. So, I committed to having a completely natural delivery.

I spoke to my doctor, I got a doula. The plan was this: go completely natural and avoid all unnecessary interventions. As soon as intervention became medically necessary, they would roll me to Operating room. If I didn't go into labor before my due date, they would schedule a c-section a few days later.

So, I felt a lot of pressure to get labor going before February 5th rolled around. But, I was still working, and had a couple of huge projects hanging over my head. I was thinking that I would work until the baby arrived. A few days before my due date, I made a decision, after my due date, I would not be coming in to work again. Baby or no, Friday the 5th would my last day on the job. My boss was terrified that I wouldn't get my work done and he'd be left holding the bag.
On the 5th, lucky for me, a 13 hour work day allowed me to finish both projects, just in time for my last prenatal appointment.

Xtian joined me at the doctor's office, where we hoped for good news, and knew we'd be scheduling the c-section. Knowing how dilation went last time, I was hoping for a decent amount of dilation, or at least some decent cervical "ripening." I love this doctor, she was so supportive of the VBAC plan, and was really awesome in helping me feel good about that decision. So the doctor came in, checked me and shouted "AWESOME! 3 centimeters!" Keep in mind, no matter if you are in labor or not, hospitals admit you at 4 centimeters. So, being dilated to 3 was fantastic news.

Just in case, we scheduled the c-section for the following Thursday. Though my doctor told me she had no doubt I'd go into labor before that.

So, feeling awesome I went grocery shopping, stocked the fridge, and went to bed. We spent Saturday running some errands, baking bread, making my first mozzarella cheese, and kind of getting the house in order. Then I poured several drinks into Xtian to help with labor induction (FYI, not to get into overshare territory, but sex can get labor started. So... yeah).

I woke up Sunday at 4 am, with aching hips and feeling uncomfortable. So I went downstairs to try to sleep in my recliner for a few more hours. Right as I dozed off, contractions started. Nothing bad, like bad cramps, no pattern to them at all. This was Sunday, February 7. Superbowl. I remember thinking "Oh great. Leave it to my kid to make me miss the Superbowl. What a jerk."

So, I got up, and started cleaning the kitchen and tidying up the house. Figuring this might a long day, I wanted to give Xtian a little more sleep. Finally about 6 am I was tired of doing this alone. So I went and woke Xtian. While he went to shower and shave, I sent out the text to the family. "Call when you get this... Showtime." I called the doula to let her know that labor had started, but the contractions weren't organized, so we had a while yet. I told her I'd call her when things got a little more intense.

Xtian and I went downstairs, ate a little breakfast, and finished packing the hospital bag. By this time Warren was awake, so we brought him downstairs and woke up Cory. All this time, I was fine between contractions, and could get through contractions with some breathing, moaning and laying on the birthing ball. At first Warren was having fun yelling along with me. At this point, my plan was to stay at home as long as possible. The thought being, the less time spent in the hospital, the less chance for the doctors to push interventions on me.

By about 8:30, contractions were about every 4 minutes, lasting about a minute each. I was still dealing with the pain just fine. When Warren started to get scared by the sounds I was making, I realized that I needed to go to the hospital now, or I might not be able to physically sit in the car. So, we called the hospital, told them we were on the way, called the fam, and the doula, told them to meet us there. We left Warren in Cory's capable hands, gave them both a kiss, and got on the road.

General labor wisdom holds that labor slows down on the trip to the hospital. That was not the case for me. Every 3 minutes, nasty contractions had me hanging onto the hand grip like it would save my life. By 9 am we had arrived at the hospital, parked, and got all set up in triage. I still had my sense of humor, and felt good. They checked me out, watched the fetal monitor for a while and declared I was dilated to 6. Great, progress, still had a few hours to go. Kind of picture perfect scenario. We filled out some forms, including the VBAC waiver (since malpractice insurance makes you sign a waiver acknowledging that there are RISKS involved with a VBAC, even though there are fewer risks in a vaginal delivery than there are in a second c-section. Screwed up? Yes it is. Our medical care is determined by lawyers and accountants, it is complete bullshit).

At 9:35 am we grabbed my stuff, and walked to my delivery room. Had one contraction on the way, still doing fine moaning and swaying through it. As they got the room set up for me, I stopped in to use the bathroom, and as soon as I came out, labor changed.

Suddenly, it was all I could do to hold on to my birth ball and scream through each contraction. My doula and Xtian were coordinating some massage and counterpressure on my back that was helping significantly. That was their job. I think I told them I would die if they stopped.

Since I was Group B Strep positive (a harmless bacteria that lives in about 70% of people, but can be dangerous for the baby), I was supposed to be given antibiotics during labor. So, the nurses were trying to get an IV started. Of course this is nearly impossible when a woman is in labor. And I have always had tricky veins. Even the best medical professionals have a hard time sticking me. Let alone when every other minute, I'm gripped with incredible pain and can't stop shaking in between each contraction. While the nurse was trying to get an IV started, my parents arrived and jumped into action holding my hands and trying to help me hold still to get the IV going. Three sticks and a dozen contractions later, they finally got a line going, but I was pouring down sweat so they couldn't secure it.

My brother and his girlfriend Merrilee arrived about this time. (Side note: Merrilee has not spent much time around kids, and is a little terrified of the whole pregnancy/baby thing. So, god bless that poor girl for being there.) I was still with it enough to realize that they were going to be terrified. Before the next contraction started, I warned them both that I was loud as hell, but it was ok.

All at once, I realized that I could not really stand up anymore. So I declared that I needed to get up on the bed. I only had a few seconds before the next contraction started. I was lying on my side, holding the bed railing for dear life. Around this time, the doctor came in to check in. She took one look at me, heard one contraction and said, "I think we need to check you again." It was about 10:30 am, and I was 10 centimeters, but she said a little "lip" had formed. She asked me to roll on to my other side to reduce the lip. I told her she was out of her mind. It took everything I had to roll over, but I managed to do it with some help from... well everyone.

After two more contractions, I had to get up. I physically needed to get on all fours. I cannot even begin to describe the primal need to move to another position. All around me, I was vaguely aware of the doctors and nurses moving around at a frantic speed. This kid was coming, and they were in no way ready.

All at once, I realized I was pushing. And oh my god, the pushing felt so much better. The doctors were telling me to hold on, they were almost ready. At this point, I wasn't listening to anything but my own body, so I completely ignored them. I was pushing, it was happening, they would need to work around me. I felt a little trickle of moisture, and realized that my water had broken. Even between contractions I was completely unable to make words or communicate. All I could do was lie still with my eyes closed and breathe.

I really didn't want to move into another position. But of course, I had a doctor attending my birth, not a midwife. I had asked for the midwife but since I went from "doing fine" to "pushing" in under an hour, the midwife didn't have time to get to my floor. The doctor was fine, and she tried really hard to respect my wishes, but she wasn't experienced enough to deliver the baby in any position other than lying down. I didn't have the ability to argue, the doula tried, but in the end, they had me in stirrups anyway.

So they made me reposition myself, which sucked, but I still managed to push in a more comfortable position, since they couldn't have stopped me from pulling myself off the end of the table so I could push from a squatting position, even while in the stirrups.

Here's where things got interesting. As soon as I started pushing, contractions stopped hurting. In fact, nothing hurt at all. The doctor and nurses were all instructing me on how to push. I wasn't listening to them, I was just breathing and pushing when I felt like it, and nothing hurt. My eyes were closed during all of this. I was just completely focused inward. As far as I knew, I may have been the only person in that room. Completely strange and surreal, considering there were about 15 people surrounding me at that moment.

I suddenly opened my eyes and was confronted with a pool of blood at my side. It scared the hell out of me, so I yelled, "UM! THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD!" No, I wasn't hemorrhaging, I had ripped my IV line out of my arm and in all the action, no one was applying pressure. So with every contraction, as I used my arms to pull myself upright, blood was pouring out of my arm. This was enough to shake me out of my meditative state, which kind of sucked, in hindsight.

Now, I was aware of all the random people giving me directions. Each contraction, I had no fewer than 5 medical personnel telling me what I was supposed to be doing. They kept yelling things at me, and I remember feeling like I must be doing it wrong, so I kept apologizing. "I'm sorry! I'm trying!" After one good push, the doctor told me to reach down and feel the baby. I didn't want any part of that, since if I could actually feel the baby, shouldn't it just be OUT OF ME ALREADY?

But, at least this made me realize, that shit, I knew what I was doing. I was getting this done, even when I wasn't listening to all the directions. So, during the next contraction when everyone started yelling at me again, I just kept repeating, through gritted teeth, "Shut up, please. Shut up, please." And remarkably, everyone shut up. It was a godsend. The quiet!

After the next contraction, the doctor began to warn me about the "ring of fire." I've heard of this, and I was terrified. She warned me that when I started to feel it, I just needed to push through it. So, I took a deep breath, and pushed. "Here comes the ring of fire, so just keep pushing," she said. I breathed, I pushed, I never felt the pain. I got to miss out on the whole ring of fire experience. The urge to push continued for what felt like an hour, so I just kept breathing in, pushing, breathing in, pushing until I felt all the pressure release, and they put my baby on my belly.

A nurse shouted out, "11:01 am!" I reached down and held my baby and felt a flood of "Holy shit, I just pushed a baby out of my body!" I was vaguely aware of a flurry of activity, and at some point, Christian remembered to tell me it was a boy.

I know I'm forgetting a million things about the day and the birth, but that's the gist of it. In just about 6 hours of labor, no medication, and with only a handful of stitches required, our new baby boy was born in time for me to watch the kick off of the Superbowl. And isn't that the most important thing?

Introducing...

2010-02-16T12:58:00.001-08:00

Lennox! Sorry for the delay in announcing, it's been a totally intense week. Lennox was born at 11:01 am on Sunday, February 7, 2010. Yes, I had a Superbowl baby. He's gorgeous, and sweet, with the longest fingers and toes you've ever seen.

I'll get around to telling the whole labor and delivery story eventually. It takes a while to wrap your brain around the entire experience. But I did have a successful VBAC, and did the entire thing without any medication at all. Yes, I'm proud as hell of that fact. Especially since I apparently only have monster babies, (Warren was 9 lbs 2 oz, Lennox was 8 lbs 11 oz. Woof).

Warren loves Lennox and is totally obsessed with holding him and kissing him. It is very cute. Of course, being two years old, Warren can't pronounce his brother's name, so he calls him "Lemick" which makes me die from the sweetness.

Hurray! New baby!

two year olds are irritating

2010-02-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

So, still pregnant, but work is definitely calmer. After weeks of threatening, I am officially off all other projects. I am not communicating about any other projects, I am not "pitching in", I am not offering my help. So, all I have left is the book-rewrite that will never die. But at the very least, I will no longer be showing up to work as of next Monday.

I am trying to be zen about the due date. And frankly, the biggest freakout is over the fact that if I show up to my last prenatal appointment still pregnant they will be scheduling a c-section. And I so do not want a c-section. So, I feel like I'm under the gun here. And of course, every day I show up to work, I have no fewer than 30 people asking "You're still here?" "Still haven't popped yet, eh?" and other such things. Which, you can imagine, is incredibly irritating. But most people don't get it, so it's not fair to kill them over it.

Warren is completely obnoxious these days. I think it's a combination of being two years old, being a little sick, and the overwhelming sense that something big is coming. Every single setback (such as having to wait all of 8 seconds while the DVD player turns on so he can watch the Muppet show, like he asked) turns him into a fit throwing, whiny ball of horror. I'm working really hard to not react in anger and show the little shit some patience. But my lord, whining just triggers my smacking reflex. This phase passes, right?

So, hopefully we'll have a baby within the next 58 hours and can avoid the whole horrifying surgical situation. And maybe Warren will get over the whining phase really fast so he can keep his baby teeth for a few more years. (Just kidding. Mostly).

Screw It.

2010-01-25T19:02:00.000-08:00

Still pregnant, and now officially feeling completely overwhelmed and like an abject failure in every aspect of my life. I apologize, but this will completely be me whining about 1st world problems. And yes, I'm luckier than 99% of people in the world. Also I am hormonal, enormously pregnant and lacking in other outlets right now.

Work: Work is hard. I don't know how many more hours I can put in and still never make a dent in what I have to do. And I do believe I just talked myself into a situation where I'll be working, unpaid, on maternity leave. Because I'm a fucking idiot. I managed to tell everyone that I am officially off all projects, and will be focusing my remaining time on two last things. Yet, today I was still handed new projects to do "real quick." Except they lasted all day. And part of tomorrow.

Warren: I have had very little patience for poor Wu lately. And I'm lucky to see him for 20 minutes every day when I get home. And during those 20 minutes, I'm either working or trying to get dinner made. I feel like a completely awful mother, and like I have no business having a second child when I can't even be there for my first.

Xtian: I can't seem to be nice to him for more than five minutes at a stretch. Not because he's doing anything wrong, but because I just can't find the emotional energy to be nice. Tomorrow is his 29th birthday, and I have failed to do anything for it at all.

Finances: I can't seem to keep up with our money situations. Every month plenty comes in, and every month more goes out. I can't seem to catch up and it's getting a little touchy. We should be ok assuming we get the tax refund I think we are. But if that is not the case, we'll be a little bit sunk.

Home: the house feels cluttered and disorganized and I don't know how to stop it. I haven't cleaned our house in weeks, and the boys try to keep up, but it's not fair to constantly demand that they pick up the slack for me. When is it my turn to pick up the slack? When do they get a break? When am I done being really busy and unable to pull my own weight?

Friends: I don't feel like I'm being a very good friend to anyone right now. I have a hard time pulling the energy together just to make a phone call, and honestly it feels shitty. I have amazing, incredible friends who have never let me down at all, and I don't feel like I'm giving them the same.

Family: See above. Same deal. I didn't even remember to call my brother on his two years sober birthday. After I reminded myself, and the rest of my family, and talked to his girlfriend about it. Jerk.

Pregnancy: I'm not doing everything I should be to keep myself healthy and sane, and to prepare for this birth. I desperately want to have a natural, normal delivery this time, but I'm not doing any of the work that will help make that a reality. I'm not eating like I should, I don't know when the last time I exercised was, I'm not doing enough to deal with my stress levels in healthy ways. I am terrified that my body will utterly fail me again, but never manage to get around to doing anything to prevent it.

And I just realized that the word "I" is the most used word in this post. And that makes me feel like shit too. As though other people aren't alone, homeless, hungry and wouldn't kill to have these problems. So, on that self-loathing note. I'm out.

Hectic.

2010-01-10T20:41:00.000-08:00

For Xmas, Cory gave Xtian a deep fryer. I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.

Yes, we are now a household who can deep fat fry ANYTHING OUR HEARTS DESIRE! Honestly, I've been afraid of using it, fearing it would be the Pandora's box that finally gave us all heart attacks. Because, here's the truth of the matter: almost everything tastes better fried. It's just true.

Tonight, I finally pulled it out and made an enormous batch of sweet potato fries. Yes, I've been making roasted sweet potato fries, and yes those are tasty. But nothing, and I mean nothing, rivals the crisp, fabulous texture of deep fried sweet potato. The only thing saving me from having a coronary by the week's end is the fact that the thing is a pain in the ass to clean. And hopefully, that knowledge will force me to think twice before I start asking, "Can you deep fry cookies? What about a Snickers bar?"

Speaking of crummy health... Thursday was a really hard day. A bunch of really cool projects came up at work, which is great, but required an enormous amount of work over a very short period of time, and Oh, we still haven't wrapped up ANY of the other projects I need to before I go on maternity leave.

I'm completely stressed out, and of course I had a doctor appointment that afternoon. And of course, because work is hectic, I didn't leave for my 4:30 appointment until 4:20. By the time I got in to see the doctor, my blood pressure came in at 159/79. Which is bad. Really, really bad for pregnant ladies. I talked the nurse into checking it again in a few minutes, hoping I could calm down enough to make a difference. Right before the doctor walked in I managed to get it down to 135/70. Still not great, but not a "call the ambulance quick" situation.

The doctor asked for another check at the end of my appointment, which read in at about 128/67. Low enough that I could talk her out of sending me to labor and delivery. If I show up with numbers like that at my next appointment, it will not be so good.

At home we are 100% ready for this kid. The emergency plans are in place, baby clothes are clean, I just need to start stocking the freezer (which frankly, is optional since I do have plenty of support people around to help). On the other hand, at work even if I give birth tonight, I still have three more weeks worth of work before I'll be allowed to take maternity leave. So, for my sanity's sake, please little fetus, give Mama until at least January 25, ok? I promise, I'll make it worth your while.

Happy New Year and Are We There Yet?

2010-01-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

If there is not a new baby in our home in exactly one month, I'll be scheduled for a C section. I find it particularly silly to be so focused on avoiding the dreaded slice and dice, rather than on the fact that I'm choosing to go through another potential heinous labor. The recovery from Warren's birth took so long and was so painful even 30+ hours of unmedicated labor sounds like a way better option.

The Xmas and New Years holidays were delightful. Lots of down time with family, and aside from the fact that my 10-days of vacation turned into 10-days straight of working from home (and one day in office), it was really nice to have a lot of unstructured time.

Everyone was so thoughtful and awesome in their gift giving this year. Every gift was perfect for every recipient, without a whole lot of "I guess I have to get you something.... so here" going on.

Since Warren is now 2, and thus allowed to watch TV... Xtian and I started his video collection. For his birthday we gave him a compilation DVD of Schoolhouse Rock, and for his birthday, Season One of the Muppet Show (you remember, the variety show circa 1974?). I'm hoping to start nurturing his rapier-wit and love of ridiculous musical numbers. Also, I hope this will stave off the horrible "Dora/Barney/Whatever godawful shows are on for kids these days" viewing that I know is inevitable. I just want to postpone it for a few more years.

I'm not really much for new years resolutions. I tend to be a year round goal setting type person, and I haven't forgotten my little life-goal list on the side here. Just taking longer than I planned on a few. Luckily, come February I'll be able to cross at least one of them off the list. That being said, I would like to reflect on my cooking resolution from 2009, and start a new one.

I like to cook, and I'm usually pretty good at it. I've always been terrified of baking, it just seems too technical and precise for me. So, in 2009 I challenged myself to dive into baking. A few less-than-perfect products gave way to some pretty damned good baking. Cookies, all manner of breads (including the braided challah I gave to family for Christmas) cakes and cupcakes. I haven't started any pastry making yet... but I'm not afraid of it anymore. For 2010, I would like to challenge myself to learn to make cheese. From a quick mozzarella to more advanced aged cheeses, I'd like to be able to pull out a wheel of cheese and know that I created that. Sounds like fun, eh?

2

2009-12-19T23:58:00.001-08:00

My little guy turns two years old today. It feels like forever, and also the blink of an eye.

So, forgive me a little mama moment.

This kid just kills me. I miss him when he takes a long nap. I can't wait to see his sunny little face when I get home from work. I'm just madly in love with his funny little self. It is utterly incredible to see so much of myself and so much of Xtian in him. I completely melt when he takes me by the hand, leads me to the couch and a cuddly blanket so we can snuggle and read one of his books. He will go to enormous lengths to make you laugh, the salad spinner on his head is a particularly big crowd pleaser. I love how overjoyed he is when he figures something out, jumping up and down, clapping and shouting "YAY!"

Lately we've been spending a lot of time with the new babies of my friends. Watching him kiss the babies, and try to hug the babies is unbelievably sweet. I cannot wait to see him grow into his role as a big brother. But I will admit, I am worried about having to take time and attention away from him when the new baby arrives. He's only recently started to prefer spending time with me, and I worry that he will resent me, or feel abandoned by the whole experience. I'm also afraid of my own lack of patience once the new baby arrives. I've mostly been doing ok with my own frustration and anger when he acts out... so far. But once I'm horribly sleep deprived and dealing with the challenges of a newborn, will I be able to check myself as easily? Will I become the shrewish mother I never wanted to be?

I think we'll be ok, for the most part. But he's such a special little human, and I really don't want to do anything that could dampen his spirit and enthusiasm.

So, as his birthday officially begins, I just hope that he knows how much everyone around him simply adores him. Happy Birthday Wu.

9 weeks to go

2009-12-07T21:41:00.000-08:00

I have less than 9 weeks to go. I can say that with certainty since this time, there will be no such thing as a "late baby." Since I ended up with an emergency C-section with Warren, if I don't go into labor by my due date, they'll just slice me. Frankly, I really don't want another C-section, but I'll take it over the Worst Possible Labor/Delivery That Resulted In A Healthy Baby Ever.
Frankly, the time is flying by. I'm unbelievably busy at work, with new projects being added every day. And since I'm in the home stretch, everyone is giving me a ton of work to finish before I go. Really helpful.
But I enjoy the work, and I get to write for a living. Which I didn't think would be a valid career choice when I graduated. Especially with my lack of fiction-writing skills. Who knew there is a need for nerdy, factual essayists in the world?
Pregnancy the second time around is significantly easier for me, so far. All the horrible bone re-shaping has already been done, and I'm working hard at being easier on my body this time. Which is probably really helpful. I daresay this kid may actually be bigger than Warren was. At the very least, he/she is all elbows, knees and enormous feet. Stare at my midsection for a few minutes and you'll see the thrashing of limbs that is my existence.

The slow march of death.

2009-11-13T22:22:00.000-08:00

One of the kid's at daycare has developed a biting habit. I know, it's pretty common among toddlers, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, it's my kid he's biting with a striking regularity. Warren's not one to make a fuss, so rather than yelling, he just kind of grunts and walks away. Hence, he now has a number of bite-shaped scars on his back and shoulders. The daycare folks are dealing with it pretty well, and doing everything they are legally and ethically required to. But, it still sucks to have to strip my kid down every day and check for bite marks.
Also sucking? It's making Warren more aggressive. When he starts getting angry or frustrated, he goes straight to hitting now. Fun for me and everyone within his arm's reach. It's hard when his vocabulary can't keep up with his feelings. Poor bug. Also, I'm really tired of being slapped in the face.

In developing fetus news, I am officially at 28 weeks, just entering the third trimester. Those who have had a baby will remember this as the "slow march of death." Every day it gets a little harder to do your normal activities. And you can not move in any direction without planning your attack. "Hm, I need to stand up out of this chair. Ok, scootch to the front of the chair, plant your arms, hurl your body mass forward and hope to catch the edge of the desk before momentum carries you back toward the floor. And....go!"

I had my 28 week check up yesterday. I don't have a regular doctor, it's Kaiser and I just don't care anyway. I've met about 5 different doctors and so far, I've liked them all. But for the second check up in a row, the doctor has made a comment about the fetus (I just can't find a fitting nickname for this one. Probably because I'm a horrible person/mother) being a bit on the large size. In fact this one had to keep checking my dates to make sure it was right. "Just how big are we talking here?" I finally asked. "Well, you're one day shy of 28 weeks, and the baby is measuring at 31 weeks." Yes, three weeks ahead. In pregnancy, that's a lot. So, yes, this will likely be another monster sized baby. Yay.

It's sounding all too familiar....Makes me wish I could just get the labor over with already.

Who needs clean clothes anyway?

2009-11-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

So, we moved. I hate moving, but am really enjoying the new neighborhood and the new house. This morning Xtian and I got up early, and rode our bikes to explore a little bit. Only 30 restaurants within two miles of our new house, so hurray! I was lamenting the lack of a grocery store nearby all last week. I had thought that I'd just hit the store closer to my work, even though it's a pain in the ass, but at least it's a decent store. Then I took a wrong turn driving home this evening to find a huge store not 3 blocks from my house. Just never had turned that way yet. So, total score. Now let's hope they have a bulk foods section (since that is my saving grace these days).

A quick story about moving in: my mom tried to run a load of laundry when we moved in and instead of washing clothes, the washing machine flooded the entire downstairs hallway. Awesome. We called it in to the property managers who said they'd ask the owner how he'd like to handle it, and is it ok if he contacts me directly. I'm the new tenant, so I say of course, these things happen, thanks for the speedy reply. (Seriously, I got a call-back at 8:01 am Monday morning! These folks, they take care of business). The property owner calls me a few hours later to make sure the washer is actually broken (Because, clearly a flooding machine usually means I don't know how to use a washer, right?) and to tell me that his handyman will be there Wednesday or Thursday. I'm irritated, because, I'm pregnant and thus only have 4 pairs of pants anyway, two of which were filthy from moving and cleaning. But, whatever, we'll live for a few days without clean clothes.
Wednesday the handyman comes to fix the washer. Except, it's not fixed. He did something to it, ran a rinse and spin cycle for 5 minutes and left saying: It's all good.
I came home on Wednesday to find Cory using all the remaining towels in the house to mop up more water from the washing machine. Because it clearly doesn't work. Fine. Call the property managers, who call the landlord who calls me. I'm now pissed off so I ask Xtian to deal with the landlord (who does not have any front teeth. I'm just saying, he has no teeth. Classy guy). Xtian, for those who have never met him in person, is the calmest, kindest most patient man in all creation. The asshole landlord argued with Xtian for 20 minutes saying "But the guy said it's fixed! Why are we making such a big deal out of a minor issue?"
Yes, because it's totally fixed. We're just screwing with you. We want to have as many conversations with a toothless old bastard as possible. And we're horrible people who lie and break washing machines for fun!
So, Thursday passes and the landlord finally calls to say both he and the handyman will be there on Saturday to fix the machine. Fine, a full week of no clean clothes following a move, and oh, did we mention that Warren wears cloth diapers? But manageable.
Saturday arrives, and Xtian shows excellent judgment by kicking me out of the house while the landlord and handyman are there. Because I can no longer be nice. After 4 hours, still no washing machine. They have to buy a new one. Here's the deal: the landlord wanted to save a few bucks, so he bought a used washer and dryer from "some guy." He spent $500 on a 10 year old washer/dryer and never tested it. Just installed it (poorly, the first day we had to shut off the gas because the dryer was leaking GAS!) and moved on. I've got no problem with secondhand goods. But, you know what? I check them first, and I buy from someone I can take it back to when it doesn't work. So, to save a few bucks, landlord ended up spending $500 for the original broken ass washer, $500 in labor for the handyman to come out and try to fix it...twice. And then he still had to spend $800 on a new washer and dryer. That's what I call "cost effective".

Clearly, not the sharpest tool I've ever met. But, in the end, only 10 days after we signed the lease, we finally got to do laundry. Hurray.

Moving. My favorite thing.

2009-10-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

We're moving on Saturday. Hurray. We were lucky in that the property manager we were applying with, had once lived in our complex. Thus, she knew firsthand how awful our current company really is. So, we got the place in spite of the asshats running the show over here.
The good news is that the place we're moving to is much bigger than our current place, and way more accessible. The bad news is that our new neighborhood is definitely on the "chain link fence" side of things. Certainly, this isn't West Oakland bad, but not the best neighborhood I've ever lived in. But the plan is, live in this place for a year, then buy something next year. I am really tired of moving and living amongst fuck-it-all-off-white walls.

My mom came down on Saturday to help us pack up some more. I think we're as there as we can be and continue to live for the next few days. I'm glad we're mostly there, but I find it really stressful to be surrounded by boxes. I really want to just get this over with and pack up everything. Soon...so soon.

The best thing about today: the Halloween Reese's combo pack. Oh yes, cups, wafers, pieces, etc. Just fabulous.

If only I could sleep in an upright position.

2009-10-05T21:23:00.001-07:00

I have heartburn. what did I eat today to cause this raging heartburn? Oatmeal. Chicken soup. Baked potato. Sheesh, I'm really asking for it, aren't I?

Work has been working me over these days. Lots of hours, lots of projects. So far I think It's all holding pretty well. I've let go of a lot of the cleaning stuff, and so long as I can still put Warren to bed every night and can make dinner at least 5 nights a week, I feel like I'm still fulfilling the needs of my family. Anything above and beyond that is just gravy.

We'll be moving to a new place soon. Our lease is up and I'm so tired of this horrible area. Just so removed from everything, and impossible to get anywhere from here. Of course our current property managers are officially assholes. They refuse to speak with any other property managers until we turned in our notice. And even then, they still won't call back the people we would like to rent from. Seriously annoying. Also they are assholes and rude about the whole thing.

When I called to ask what the deal was, they explained that we have to give notice before we know where we are living. But not to worry, since current tenants get first dibs if they have to rescind their notice. Because, strangely enough, you'd be surprised how often "things fall through." I imagine they are referring to their inability to return a phone call, causing all kinds of tenants to lose out on the homes they actually want to live in.

But, that's neither here nor there.

Where the hell am I?

2009-08-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

I am in Salt Lake City, Utah today. Work stuff, really early flight, really long day, but it was good and super productive. Work has been kicking my ass in a ton of different ways. All good, getting things done, but long hours, break-neck pace and all that makes for a kind of tired mama.

Warren is killing me with cute these days. He says things and chatters baby-gibberish at you all day long, telling you stories. I keep finding him parked on the couch, surrounding by all the couch cushions reading Mama Do You Love Me? to himself. Except the only part he knows is the word "mama" so he just mutters that to himself while turning pages and making animal sounds. And then I fall down and die from all the cuteness. Cory started school and seems to be enjoying it. He needs to pick up a couple more classes to be considered full-time and keep up the medical insurance through my work, but all the classes have waiting lists. Ridiculous. Hopefully the classes will thin out a bit this week.

Xtian is doing well, likes his job, is having fun with Warren. He has a few friends here in town so he gets to hang out with some dudes fairly often. And slowly but surely the whole "we are having another kid" thing is becoming a reality for him. It took him a while with Warren too. It's just not very real to him until the thing starts moving around enough for him to see and feel. Well, last night this little alien was doing flips so vigorous I kept getting the wind knocked out of me. I think we've got another dancer on our hands here.

All bets are off whether it's a girl or boy. I feel exactly the same as I did with Warren, the thing is super active, but I keep thinking girl. Of course I thought Wu was a girl too. So clearly, I have no idea. Mostly, I'm just looking forward to another tiny squishy baby who will cuddle with me for more than 8 seconds. Warren's very lovey, but he's ready to RUN after a quick hug and kiss.

You know, I honestly didn't bond with Warren right away. Sure, he was cute, and I loved him, but as he gets older and becomes more like a person, I find myself just absolutely smitten with the kid. I miss him when he's been napping for more than an hour. It feels slightly ridiculous, but it's true. I just can't wait to see him as a big brother and how neat that will be to watch him with a new biscuit.

Weekend goodness

2009-08-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

I just had a delightful weekend. Friday we found a daycare provider who is not trying to rob us blind (The only other person who returned my calls wanted $130 a week, when Warren will be there for 6-8 hours a week. Uh-huh.). Good folks with a a handful of kids, one who is Warren's age. I feel good about the people, and frankly that's all I can really hope for.

Saturday we ran a few errands, and went to a kiddo's birthday party. I wasn't sure how Warren was going to do, with all those big kids (the party was for an 8-year old), and the party took place at one of those inflatable bounce-castle places. An entire compound full of those things. At first Warren would not leave the Little Tykes Cozy coupe (you know, the red and yellow little kid cars everyone either had or coveted as a three year old). He sat in that thing and scooted along backward for an hour. When we tried to get him to play with something else, he screamed. But once we finally coaxed him out with promises of bouncy balls, and hid the damn cozy coupe, he could not get enough of the entire thing. So, that was a total blast to watch him play with all the big kids.

Once we left the party we got home just in time to meet Jen and her new man-friend. They were kind enough to bring a bunch of different beers we'd never even seen before. So, we made burritos and guacamole and spend the evening doing our own beer tasting. (Only tiny sips to taste for the pregnant lady). Just an utter delight.

Then Sunday, we had a leisurely breakfast and went for a walk and watched Warren play with a scuba-diving proof camera. And since it was scuba-proof it is also toddler proof. So, for once he got to play with the grown up toys without anyone stopping him. And that's just fun. So much of childhood and toddlerhood is being told you aren't allowed to play with stuff, or touch anything. So, it was a blast to give him free-reign to touch and play with something without being told to stop.

Freakin' really?

2009-08-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

So, this weekend I was in Chicago, doing some research. Part of this research involved attending a two day "change your life" seminar. Not so much for the content as the format.
But seriously, after spending 20 hours over two days in a complete shuddering rage, I'm pretty exhausted. Look, I'm not a fan of motivational speakers, especially those with a hugely judgmental religious slant. But some of this shit was just beyond. The only way to get through it was to write bitchy notes to myself so I wouldn't scream out loud.
A few nuggets for your enjoyment. This woman says she wishes she had been born a black woman, because life would have been easier (you know, "black don't crack", and how all black people are good at sports and singing, and black people never need braces), and because black women will have long black hair one day, short blond hair the next, red shoulder length hair the following day. Apparently, only black people are allowed to wear wigs.
Also, she can personally disprove evolution. Would you like to know how? This right here: eagles are "destined" to soar, so they don't have chicken wings. See? Convinced? Yeah, me too.
The racial shit went on all weekend complete with the statement, "Politics are so immoral these days, I mean, just look at how low Clinton brought us. And who's in office right now? I mean, it's like ANYONE can be president." Yeah. And I almost had a heart attack when she stated as gospel truth, that "women's liberation" and the whole "women fighting to be able to work and choose whether to have babies or not" was a government conspiracy to stimulate the economy.
Yeah, I pretty much hope she gets herpes. On her face.

Word is out...

2009-08-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, at least my boss knows so it's time to tell.

We're having another baby. We don't know what kind of baby yet, nor will we find out until the thing emerges. I like the mystery and the kind of magic to it. I also really like that no one can start programming socially acceptable gender roles before the kid has a chance to figure out how to breath oxygen.

Due date is February 5, placing this kid squarely in the thick of our family swarm of birthdays. Ah well, you can't fight city hall, so may as well stop trying.

My pants officially don't fit, but just enough to be uncomfortable. So, pleasant.

I have to fly to Chicago this weekend for a work thing. And I can't imagine anything more comfortable than Chicago, in August. But that should be funsies, if nothing else. Though, I will miss Warren. He's really a kick in the ass right now.

He's learning words at a ridiculous pace. If you ask him who he is, he'll reply "I Wowwie" which is how he pronounces his name. Freakin' killer cute. He's also a climber, which is less cute. Like, when you put the coffee cup on the kitchen counter, only to find him on the counter 2 minutes later, trying to drink mama's coffee. I guess they have to learn shit eventually, I'm just not ready for it yet. he's like a whole person suddenly. Out of control.

Ok, that's it for me. I'll be back soon. I really won't have much else to do in Chicago for 3 days. I'm staying out by the Airport, which is also where the conference is. I hope I get to at least run out and see some stuff. What a waste, to get all the way to Chicago and miss all the stuff.

G'night y'all.

Count it! Two days in a row!

2009-07-22T21:27:00.000-07:00

The problem with having a sweet new computer and a bitchin' internet connection is that I never go to bed anymore. Instead, I think "I should probably just check my email" and then I stay up hours later than I meant to. Delightful. Willpower? I have none.

Since Warren took it upon himself to rearrange the keyboard on my laptop, I've been spending a lot of time speaking with employees of ridiculous computer stores. It should be noted, customer service and even just pleasant conversation are both officially dead. If one more person sneers at me for asking a question, I might just start slapping people with whatever office supplies I can lay my hands on.

Suffice to say, I'm no closer to fixing my poor old geriatric computer than I was a week ago. Thanks Warren. I hope eating the pieces you ripped from my computer at least made you a little uncomfortable.

In any event, I'm going to bed.

I am weak

2009-07-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

I got promoted at work. It's really great, except all my "free time" is now spent being a "parent" instead of "writing bullshit on the internet." Also, Warren decided to do a little redecorating on my laptop. Now, I have no space bar. So, that's fun.

Also, I have big exciting life news, but I'm not ready to share with work, so I can't share on the internet. Hopefully not too much longer do I have to be super spy.

But the new job is great. It's also a zillion hours a week, but in a really exciting way. I get to write. For a living. And make good money doing it. So, that's a plus and makes me more sure that moving to Sacramento wasn't the worst choice I've ever made.

Meanwhile, Cory got his driver's license, Warren is a big ol' 19 month old who thinks he's a big kid, the cats are mostly ridiculous with the heat (how many days in a row can it really be over 100 degrees? The answer: a million, evidently)

I did spend last weekend with my big sister, my friend Jen and her sister. It was so much fun. I love getting a whole bunch of people you love together, and then they all get along really well. I haven't laughed so hard in forever. And we weren't drinking. I know, I was surprised too!

Also, since my computer is sad and on her last legs, I bought a new computer today. One of Xtian's friends sells computers on ebay, and this is one he got for hella cheap. So now, I have a supersexy touch screen laptop for 1/3 what I had planned to spend. Huzzah!

I miss my internet friends. Though I'm still following everyone via my Google Reader, I just can't comment from it (and work can't give me shit for it, since all my work articles are on it too!). So, I'm still on top of most folks.

Happy times.

Clothes are painful

2009-06-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

I am sunburned. It is ugly. It is the perfect outline of the distinctive tank top I was wearing yesterday. Just awful.

But, we went down for the Pride Parade in San Francisco, it was 95 degrees. While that is not hot other places, the bay area is not made for heat. So, nothing has air conditioning, and everything is reflective glass.

The parade was not the jubilant affair it was last year. Fucking Prop 8 bullshit ruined that. (Yes, I'm still angry, as should everyone be). But we were there, we donated, we supported the cause. And we got to play with Sister Jenn.

Now, I am still totally wrecked from a jampacked, but fun, weekend. I totally need a long weekend. We'll see what we can cook up...

Huzzah!

Writing for the sake of writing.

2009-06-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

Mama is tired. I was really looking forward to visiting my lovey Sarah last weekend. I packed my bags, loaded up my truck, kissed my boys and was on the road. I got about 30 miles (which took over 45 minutes) away, when my cell phone rang. It was Xtian. Asking if I happened to have the only set of car keys in my purse. Fuck. I couldn't leave them without wheels for the entire weekend, I know they had stuff to do, and we live in the middle of nowhere. They would be totally stranded.

So, I turned around and another 50 minutes later I was back at home. And the thought of having to start the trip over made me cry. So, I made my apologies to Sarah, and settled in for a very chill weekend with the kiddo.

My mom came for a little visit this week. So Uncle Cory had a couple days off from Wu duty while my mom spoiled the kid rotten. But he's so darn cute, it's hard not too. The little dude is just charming. And I'm not being biased, he charms the pants off of everyone. Makes me worry for the horror that will be his teenage years. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Meanwhile, work is ramping up big time. Some potentially exciting if frightening things coming up. But this is where I thrive, under pressure.

But, nothing is certain yet, so I'll keep my big mouth shut.

Foodwise, I have been one boring broad. Nothing exciting or even particularly delicious. It's officially too warm to enjoy cooking. But I'm thinking this weekend I'll cook up some rich, fabulous bread for Xtian. It is father's day afterall. I guess I should give him a gift, eh? Isn't that how this whole thing works? Crap. I suck at gifts.

Time to eat a dinner of Chicken McNuggets. Don't you judge me.

what the hell do you do with beets?

2009-06-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already, do not rest until you have watched the pilot episode of Glee. It won't be on until the Fall, but seriously just beautiful. Since Scrubs has completely jumped the shark (and they are threatening to come back for another season. They will ruin this show come hell or high water), this will completely take it's place. 90% hilarious, and 10% poignant. And the pilot ends with them singing Journey, so you know this bitch is loving it.

Warren gives kisses these days, which is pretty much the sweetest thing ever. And then he says "thank you." It makes me giggle every time. Also, he's still obsessed with shoes. Mostly high heels, but in a pinch flip flops will do. He carries them all over the house trying to put every shoe on everyone who'll sit still. Creepy? A little. But what little kid isn't a little creepy?

Cory has himself a girlfriend. We've met her a couple of times. She's cute, seems nice, but she's a... vegetarian. She's not even militant, but whenever I spend time with a veg. I'm just certain I'm being judged. Also, I hate having to limit what I cook for dinner. I have a hard enough time making food that we all enjoy, now I have that limitation too? Well, maybe we just won't invite her for dinner. It's kind of funny watching Cory be a total teenager for once. Yesterday, he was on the phone with her from 3:00 pm until after 8. He's so adult and poised all the time, I forget he's still a teenager. And so I get to play big sister and torture him constantly, making awkward condom remarks whenever he's on the phone. I didn't get to do that with my own little brother (bugger never let on when he was dating anyone), so now I'm visiting this on Cory. I'm a horrible person.

Oh, and I have a question for you? How do you like to prepare fresh beets? I've never cooked with them at all, and my CSA box was full of beets last week. So, any suggestions? Please? I'm at a loss.

Right, I swear I'll get back into a regular posting schedule. I've got a million things to say, I just never find the time and motivation concurrently.

What?

2009-06-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

Updates:
Warren still refuses to call me Mama. In fact, he has no name for me at all. Uncle Cory is "uncle", Xtian is "Dada" and he makes no reference to me at all. He loves me and comes running whenever he sees me, and all that. I just wonder when he'll figure out that I have a title or a name. Weird little munchkin that he is.

Parenting makes you a dork. It's just true. This is now even more apparent since Warren is having a language explosion. He's learning a few new words a day, which means I have to stop cussing around him. Makes me feel like Ned Flanders when I try to replace "bad words" with nonsense. But, it's either that or I'm that awful parent whose baby is walking around saying "eat my ass, you shithead." And really? I have enough bad parenting points, I don't need to add more.

So, since I really can't write about work anymore (not that there's much to write about, lots of work, some frustration, but mostly good) I'm kind of at a loss for what to write. I desperately don't want to be a "My kid did the cutest thing!" person, but it's just the natural progression of having a small human tethered to you. They absorb every thought and action. It's all about them. Even when you don't want it to be.

But frankly, I'm so madly in love with the little thing, I just can't help myself.

Oh, the bizarre "gated" community I live in (aka, 60 year old duplex that origianally served Military Officer's housing in the middle of f'ing nowhere, but like, an entrance has a gate, so it's a fascist regime)is officially sucking my will to live. Why in the name of jebus would you bother guarding this dump?
But, we're locked into a lease until October. At which time we will (hopefully!) move downtown where there is ANYTHING within walking distance. Seriously, it's over a mile to anything. Need a convenience store? 1.6 miles, on the side of a busy road with no sidewalks. Awesome.

On the plus side, I had a big ass deadline that I never thought I'd make. A few extra hours on the weekend, and I completed 9,000 words two days early. That's right, sometimes I kick ass. Other times I completely suck, so I guess it all evens out.

And that's it for my psychotic, go nowhere update. Happy Wednesday folks!

Dragging Ass

2009-05-21T20:33:00.001-07:00

Oh ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am officially dragging ass. Lots of work projects (including writing 15 video scripts by June 1, Hurray!) which are great, but there's only one of me. And therein lies the problem.

But, the anniversary date was just lovely. Xtian took me to a restaurant called Johnny Garlic, owned by Guy Fieri. A great joint, the man has fabulous restaurants. Then Xtian blindfolded me (here's where the horribleness in me comes out. He puts a blindfold on me, and I say "you know everyone will think you're just kidnapping a white lady, right?" See? Terrible.) And we ended up going to see Wolverine (who cares if it wasn't exactly great film, Wolverine... so hot right now.) at one of the few remaining drive-in movie theaters. And he even packed a flask of rum to pour into my coke, so Mama was happy as can be.

This coming weekend will be jam packed and delightful. Saturday I get my tattoo finished, followed immediately by "confidential" plans. I wish I knew what was going on, but Xtian's decided to surprise me two weeks in a row.

Sunday I'm taking the kid and the husband to the City, where we will explore the Science Museum with my darling friend Nathaniel. I've been completely enamored of Nathaniel since the day we met, and now Xtian finally gets to meet him too. Super looking forward to it.

Once the kid inevitably runs out of patience at the museum, we'll be crossing the Bay Bridge to help Sister Jen and Kate demo their new house. As it turns out, 100 year old homes are not always "move-in ready." So, that will be fun and exhausting. I've tried to reserve our Monday for some actual relaxation, but we'll see how that goes once all is said and done.

And then it's back to work for 4 doubly packed days of working it. I think I need a nap.

Surprises and how I ruin them.

2009-05-15T20:33:00.001-07:00

Because I can never do anything unless I do 8 things at once, not only was Sunday Mother's Day, but Xtian and my wedding anniversary was this Wednesday. I'm not much for sentimental displays and demanding to be made a big deal of, so we kept it mellow. Spent some time together, and commemorated the day with cupcakes. Frankly, it was awesome.

And tomorrow I'm being taken on a date. I don't know what, when, where or anything else. I have been asked to wear a dress. That is all I know. What in the world could it be? I have no idea, and I'm trying not to guess. I take after my mother in her Nancy Drew qualities, so I try not to ruin Xtian's surprises. This has been a hard won lesson, as I spent the first few years of our relationship ruining everything. (Still officially the meanest thing you can say to someone "why do you always ruin everything." Just let it ruminate for a moment.)

Sister Jenn and Kate will be coming up to babysit for the evening, so as an added bonus, I get another day with my sis. And Kate finally gets to see exactly how much fun Warren can be in the morning. It really is hard staying angry at the kid who woke you up at 6 am on a Saturday when they spend the morning singing gibberish at you and kissing your forehead.

I think it's time for another glass of rum. Good night.

Mother's Day Awesomeness

2009-05-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I volunteered at a "housing first" homeless project, followed immediately by spending 3 hours being riddled with needles (pictures forthcoming....). I arrived home at the same time my parents showed up for our Mother's Day Dinner. So, we cooked up a crapload of pasta, and ate cupcakes that were delicious the night before, but were placed back in the oven for storage, horrifically drying them out. Sad. But the ganache and buttercream frostings were delicious.

Sister Jenn spent the night, and we stayed up playing cards and drinking rum. Perfection. In bed at 2 am, awoken at 8 am by a singing toddler. And my mother's day spoiling began.
Xtian makes the best breakfasts in the world. That is not an exaggeration. For this fine day, it was toasted bagels with cream cheese, lox, cucumber and a dash of kosher salt. Just glorious.

Friend Jen came up to play in the afternoon. We took Warren to the park and about melted in the heat. In a mostly good way.

At one point, he was climbing all over the jungle gym, and looked really unsteady on some steps. Jen reached out to help him. Warren stopped cold, put his hands on his hips, eyes wide with attitude, and yelled some gibberish at Jen that could only mean "I can do it myself!" Pretty much the greatest thing ever.

Good stuff.

2009-05-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

Just finished the most delightful weekend. I only had a couple of things I needed to get done, so most of the weekend was spent hunkered down, relaxing. I never did get out of pajamas on Sunday. I sent Xtian and Cory to a movie on Sunday (they've had a long stretch of extra mile child care lately, and totally deserved a treat), and Warren and I got to spend some unstructured time playing. It was so fun to actually enjoy his company, rather than being frustrated that he isn't doing what I need him to be doing. Such a neat little human.

The entire weekend was really all about just being together as a family and having a good time. We did a little housework, did some baking together, but mostly just chatted and played games. I'm feeling pretty domestically satisfied lately.

Mrs. Sparkles is doing well after her surgery. She was so lonely being locked up alone all weekend. We finally let her out for a few hours of play on Sunday evening. I'm so pleased that even when she is hurting and tired, she still indulges Warren's cuddling.

It was a good few days and it was about time I expressed a little gratitude for my sweet little family.

Well, here I am.

2009-05-01T20:06:00.001-07:00

So, Bristol Palin (aka Mrs. Sparkles) had her kitty abortion today. Whew, she's still eating kitten food, so I daresay she's too young to procreate. Of course, we've now removed that option for her.

Meanwhile Warren is being a decidedly whiny little cuss lately. He's still cute and doing neat things, he just whines a lot more. I think we're having a language frustration stage. He whines because he can't tell us what he wants. Whenever he wants something he has words for (like milk, or banana, or daddy etc) he calms right down and when he verbalizes his needs. If he wants something he doesn't have a word for, hold on to your frickin' hat. He will whine your will to live away.

I have a consultation with a tattoo artist tomorrow. I'm finally going to get the ink I've wanted for years now. I'm super excited. I'll be sure to share pictures whenever I have something to share.

And now I'm going to drink some rum and go to bed.

Quickie

2009-04-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

Grand Hyatt? Your hotel rooms cost over $200 per night. And now I have to pay $9.95 to use your shitty internet connection? That's just rude, and unnecessary.
And lugging around my15 pound, non-WIFI capable, geriatric laptop all day yesterday has really hammered home the point that I really do need to get a new computer. This girl has served me well, but she's tired, and can no longer do...anything.

My room is on the 26th floor, and for some reason it reeks of cigarette smoke today. Apparently some new guests can't go down the elevator to smoke outside, so they are smoking in the emergency stairwell next to my room. Le Awesome.

But really, is there anything better than sitting naked in a hotel room overlooking the entire SF Bay, dicking around on the computer? (Well, is there anything better when your man or lady companion isn't available. )

Going home tomorrow. So looking forward to some snuggles.

Rough Day

2009-04-16T18:15:00.000-07:00

My company shares a building with another company owned by the same person. Technically, they are separate and distinct corporate entities. But we all work together, share resources and see eachother all the time. I work pretty closely with them, as they actually have graphic design resources.

First thing this morning, half their company was let go. Including several of my friends. Cost cutting maneuvers that were necessary, but still it sucks.

On a happy note, Warren has figured out how pockets work. He has taken to storing his phone (an old non-functioning phone Cory found among some old clothes) in his pocket, and periodically whips the phone out, puts it to his head and starts chatting gibberish into it. High-Larious.

In other news, I'm going to be in San Francisco for a couple days next week. WHEEEEE! Should be good times.

Turns out....

2009-04-13T16:14:00.001-07:00

I have a hard time relaxing
I can't just sit still
Even having fun is exhausting
Eating my weight in jelly beans is not so good in practice as in theory
Long weekends just give me the chance to over do it three days in a row
It's hard to get pictures off the camera when Xtian takes the camera snowboarding
Sarah and I can't get together without going to Target at least twice a day
Xtian taking yet another weekend off from parenting to go snowboarding makes me feel resentful
Next weekend, I'm not doing a damn thing

Taking requests, apparently

2009-04-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

Per Faith's question, the name Mrs. Sparkles actually came from an Aqua Teen Hungerforce episode. No, I do not live in a frat house, but the show is absolutely the best in nonsequitur humor. In the show, Master Shake has a kitten named Mr. Sparkles, who was a magician and per Shake's instructions, not to be touched. So, when our little kitty appeared and thoroughly charmed everyone in the house, we named her Mrs. Sparkles.

Our family has also started anthropomorphizing a variety of things, such as our potted Christmas tree (hello, $20 at a garden store and now I have a Christmas tree for the next 20 years? That my friends, is called "Value") which we named Todd, and a styrofoam ice chest named Terrence. No, it makes no sense, but is hilarious nontheless.

Ok, naked baby needs me. I totally need to share kitty pictures. For that matter, I haven't posted a Warren picture in over 6 months. I truly am the worst parent ever. Huzzah!

Lowering expectations

2009-04-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

I guess once a week is about as often as I can get my shit together enough to write here. I am the suck.

Mrs. Sparkles is officially a member of the family. Last week, she was standing at the back door, looking sad as per usual. Warren walked over, opened the screen door, let Mrs. Sparkles in and shut the door behind her. So, now that she's in, I guess she's staying. I kind of love her though. And she lets Warren pet and talk to her. And that's fun.

This weekend wasn't really a weekend at all. Friday afternoon and evening were spent running errands and shopping for groceries and birthday gifts. Saturday we had the family party for my brother's birthday (hence the gifts), so we spent the morning cleaning, the afternoon was spent hauling supplies for a trade show on Sunday, then the party started and we were running until bed.

Sunday I had to be up by 6 am to get ready for the trade show. And I was there until after 6 pm. Xtian was making dinner when I got home, which meant there was food, but the kitchen was trashed. Just obliterated. So that was stressful and took more work. But he's trying, and we have to give credit.

I finally got to bed and almost cried when I realized I had to go to work when I woke up. I need an actual weekend. Annoying.

Turtle Snacks

2009-03-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

Not much for you. Another way to short weekend, complete with day trip to Oakland.

But since Faith asked, I will answer.

Turtle snacks are just a much more fun name for love handles. Any chubbies that peak out over your pants are just more snacks for the turtles. No, I don't know how this came about, but it's a much cuter name for a body part that is so unpleasant. Especially if you can picture a cute little turtle nibbling at your chubs. Just funn-eh.

And I think a kitty has adopted us. She's tiny and pretty and really sweet. And she's been hanging around our house for a week. We've named her Mrs. Sparkles and I think she's getting a bath tonight. Then some cuddles.

Gurgle Gurgle...

2009-03-25T21:30:00.001-07:00

Weekend was kind of a bust, in retrospect. And work is kicking my ass this week. I feel like everything is taking twice as long as it should and I'm lucky to get anything done before I have to leave for the day. At this point, I'm putting 6 days worth of work into five days, and still falling behind. But, the big boss gave approval for an intern, so hopefully a few of my more time consuming/mindless tasks can be shoved off onto someone else shortly. Muwahahahaha.

On the plus side, I get to go down to Oakland again this weekend to see my big sister and Kate. Hopefully can sneak in a Friend Jen visit as well. I had so much fun on our last trip. Makes me homesick. I really love Oakland, and while leaving it was the right move for our family, I'm not falling in love with Sacramento yet. But I'm trying to reserve judgment until we can get the hell out of the suburbs. It's just not jiving with my lifestyle. It's too hard to do anything, or go anywhere. Everything involves packing up the car, and driving 30 minutes to go anywhere. Who designed this shithole?

The boys are good, I think Cory is enjoying Manny-hood. Warren is just too much fun these days. He walks around meowing at the cats, and if you tell him not to do something, he shakes his head saying "no no no." He's very into patting people's bellies, which is going to get him into trouble one of these days. For now, however, I'm willing to let him poke my belly chubs (aka "turtle snacks") with glee.

And oh yeah, Xtian killed another cell phone. Still can't figure out how he did it to this one, but a huge crack in his screen has lead to big dark spots on the display. Consequently AT&T has cancelled our account insurance. Nice. My right to pay them $5 a month, then another $56 for a new phone every year has been rescinded. Jerkoffs.
Lordy lordy, this old lady is ready to pass out!

Quickly before I turn in

2009-03-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

Work was really busy this week. I spent all week running full speed ahead. Which made the week go fast, but also made me wonder: what did I get done?

On the plus side, it's almost the weekend. So, there's that.

Warren still calls cell phones "mama", and now all ipods are "baba". Still no name for me. But he does give me kisses. Without having to ask for them. So, I win that contest.

I'm wrecked, but I couldn't let another day go by without posting. Time to finish my wine and go to bed. I'm an old lady.

PS. One final note: putting dried parsley in anything, makes it smell like old people's homes. Soupy and awkward. Yuck.

Thank You, Mean Phlebotomist!

2009-03-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

I've been a blood donor for over 10 years. I finally got around to donating here in Sacramento through BloodSource. Over the last decade I've had more good experiences than bad. Last time I went in to donate they asked if I could try giving platelets. I've never really thought about giving components, as it takes FOREVER and no one ever asked. But, hell, I'm game, so I told them to go ahead and run all the tests to see if I'm a good candidate. Part of the original screening process was checking my veins to make sure I had a good one. I warned them that some had had difficulty with my veins in the past. The nurse reviewing assured me my veins were just fine.

Sure enough, I got a letter in the mail stating that they'd love to have me as a platelet donor and a day later they called to schedule my first platelet donation. I told them I could only donate on weekends, and they gave me their last available Saturday appointment: 7:45 am. Not too bad, except the closest location is a 30 minute drive (it's the suburbs. EVERYTHING is a 30-minute drive).

Saturday morning, I got up at 6:30 showered, dressed and managed to get there only 5 minutes late. (What do you want? I'm pretty much always late for everything except work.) I patiently awaited my turn for the pre-donation interview and torture/finger prick to test for iron. I was certainly dragging ass at such an early hour on a Saturday (especially following a night of cocktails and crummy tv), and so was the nurse who interviewed me. But, it was going along swimmingly, until she went to pull my blood vial from the centrifuge. The vial holding my blood exploded over the course of its spin. So, weird, whatever, she pricked another finger and spun it. A second exploding vial. So, a third finger prick, with a new batch of vials and a new centrifuge. Finally got my iron count, and it only cost me three fingers.

I finally got to sit in the donation chair, where I had to sign all the waivers and hear all about how the blood was separated and pumped back into my body. Fine. The phlebotomist who was setting me up was professional if brusque. She poked and prodded my elbows for a few minutes without any luck before asking a superivsor to help. The supervisor moved my arm to a different position and sure enough, a vein popped right up to the top. "See, just position her arm like this and it's all good," explained the supervisor.
"Oh, I see. Well, I'm going to do this a different way," responded the phlebotomist. Which should have been my cue to run screaming from the chair. But, being the good little patient I just smiled and let her get on with it.

She moved my arm, and then pulled out the sterile pen to mark the vein. This should have been my second cue that all was not well. But, she was confident and went about scrubbing my arm and prepping her needles.

So, here comes the stick... and nothing happens. No blood. She missed the vein. So, she starts moving the needle around IN MY ARM trying to spear my elusive vein. Then she calls the supervisor over, and she takes a turn wiggling it around. No luck.
With the needle still hanging out of my arm, they both head over to my other arm looking for a vein. Nothing doing. So, they decide this ain't working. Which I'd figured out right around the third time she tried to "fix" the needle.

As a parting gesture, as though the day hadn't been yucky enough, the mean phlebotomist patronizingly patted my hand and sneered at me, "You know, if you're not all that successful giving even whole blood, you should probably stick to whole blood." As though she was doing me a favor.

So, before 9 am I'd been rousted from my bed before the sun was up, sacrificed three finger tips, been stabbed in the arm, then had the needle shoved all around my arm (resulting in a delightful bruise), before being judged then asked to leave.
And then we wonder why more people aren't donating platelets.

Mmmm. Pajamas and liquor.

2009-03-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

Xtian and Cory are off at the King's game, the baby is in bed. I'm drinking rum and watching delightful tv, after gorging myself on crummy chinese food. This day is officially awesome.

How you doing?

Shuffling Along

2009-03-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

So, I have some awesome new work projects that are fun. They also validate that the company owner likes me enough that I'm fairly sure she's not planning on firing me in the near future. So, that feels nice.

Cory seems to be enjoying his Manny gig, and Warren's digging it. Seems like it works for the time being. They really enjoy each other, and I love how Warren's developing these days. I like to think all of Cory's goodness and hilarity are rubbing off on the wee sprite.

Christian seems to enjoy his job. Frankly, I don't know if it's the job he likes, or if he's just so relieved to have one he would never dare think anything bad. But he and Cory get to be buddies, and do their guy stuff together. Friday night they'll be going to the Kings game, and I'll be home drinking liquor and watching horrible tv. A delightful time for all.

Right. Off to bed. Have a lovely day, y'all!

I miss Oakland.

2009-03-09T16:39:00.000-07:00

It had been entirely too long since I've breathed some good ol' fashioned Bay Area air. So, Saturday morning, Warren and I hopped in the car and took off for Oakland. (And by "hopped" I mean, loaded up a stroller, an ice chest full of Warren-pleasing snacks, a sack of toys, 4 million diapers, three changes of clothes and everything else that would conceiveably fit in the car. Children make going anywhere just a joy).
We sang the whole way down, and got to spend an entire day hanging out with Sister Jenn, Friend Jen and SIL Kate. I got to cruise the Lake Merritt Farmer's Market, make fun of the douchey kettle corn guy (Seriously? Instead of sizes Small Medium and Large, he had the Teaser, the Pleaser and I blocked out the large equivalent sized name, as it was also horrible), eat a baby-free lunch with Jen, watch some Charmed while Warren napped, then feast on sushi.

We were back home by 9 pm, exhausted and totally happy. I miss Oakland. And I really miss the casual hang out time with my friends and sister. But now that Birthday DeathMarch is reaching a close, I should have a few extra weekends lying around. So doing a day trip like that is no big deal at all.

I mentioned last week that Warren is calling the cell phone "mama." Well, he's still doing that, but since I've been trying to correct him by pointing to myself and saying "I'm MAMA" he now pats everyone on the chest saying "I mama, I mama." So, that is not working out, but is pretty damned funny. So, I'll call it a draw.

Babies are kind of buttheads.

2009-03-03T19:15:00.001-08:00

Computer is still being difficult. I haven't had the time and energy at the same time to fix it. Warren is adorable, and says "Obama" which is hilarious. He has also decided that "mama" means cell phone. Bullshit. I call bullshit. Eventually he'll figure it out, but come on! It took him forever to say Mama, and now he calls the cell phone mama, Cory is Uncle, Xtian is Dada and he has no name for me. Jerk. I'm going to remember this and punish him soundly when he's old enough to care.

Hectic life, lots of work, in a really good way. I get to go to the bay area this weekend and hang with my sis and my dear friend Jen. Totally needed. Warren will be accompanying me, which will be fun and also a pain in the ass. Which is really the perfect way to describe parenthood.

Hopefully back in the swing here. Stay tuned...

Grrr.

2009-02-24T20:33:00.000-08:00

Computer is being an asshole. Will return in full force when computer has ceased its assholery.

PS. Warren calls Cory "uncle" now. It is simply precious.

Shamelessly Stolen From Dooce

2009-02-18T16:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, I normally hate these things. I think memes are usually boring and self-indulgent. But then so is all blogging. If I may paraphrase Patton Oswalt "Blogging is like videotaping yourself masturbating in front of a mirror, so you can watch it later... while you masturbate." Sounds about right, eh?

What are your middle names?
Duvall and Leigh

How long have you been together?
It'll be four years at the end of March.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Maybe 6 months, give or take a week.

Who asked whom out?
I ordered him to come to my parents' house for Easter Dinner.

How old are each of you?
I'm 27, he's 28. He is exactly 1 year and 8 days older than I am.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Well, since his only sibling lives with us? I'd say his, though mine are a close second.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Arguing. I'm a really good arguer, and Xtian is awful. So, I can win every time, because he's too nice to fight dirty, but I feel horrible about it. We spend a lot of time yanking the real issues out of each other.

Did you go to the same school?
Yes, we went to the same high school at the same time. Though we didn't ever meet until years later.

Are you from the same home town?
Partly. He was raised in LA, then Oroville, then Chico. I was raised in the Bay Area, then Chico.

Who is smarter?
I retain information easier and faster. I don't know if that qualifies as smarter, but my memory is definitely better.

Who is the most sensitive?
Um, I guess that depends. He's more careful not to hurt feelings, but I'm quicker to feeling hurt.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Um, since we haven't eaten at a restaurant as a couple in over a year... I have no idea how to begin to answer this question.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Now this is depressing. From the Bay Area to Chico. 180 miles. We don't get out much.

Who has the craziest exes?
I think we've both been pretty blessed in this department. I know that a few of my exes are still actually angry at me, so that's kind of crazy?

Who has the worst temper?
Oh, me. 100%. All the way. No question about it.

Who does the cooking?
Xtian is the king of breakfast. I cook everything else, though he'd probably like to try more.

Who is the neat-freak?
Me again. Xtian will spend four hours cleaning the car with a q-tip, but thinks nothing of having a knee-deep pile of dirty clothes next to the bed.

Who is more stubborn?
Much as I think he'd argue with me, I think we're pretty even. Unless we're arguing, in which case, he'll just go along with what I say.

Who hogs the bed?
Him. He's a "pillow creeper." I'll wake up and his pillow will have moved to the middle of the bed, pushing my pillow (and you know, ME) almost off the bed. No matter what size bed we sleep on, he's shoving me over.

Who wakes up earlier?
Usually me. Though he's rarely far behind me. Of course, when was the last time a 3rd party didn't determine our wake up time?

Where was your first date?
My parents' house, Easter Dinner. With most of my extended family present.

Who is more jealous?
I'd say me, but frankly, I know Xtian too well to be too jealous. (He's not a cheater, just isn't.) He jokes a lot about me leaving him for Mr. Right, but I think it's bravado covering for a little jealousy.

How long did it take to get serious?
We started dating at the end of March, I asked him to move in in May. So... a month and a half.

Who eats more?
Xtian. Hands down.

Who does the laundry?
I'd call it even. We both pitch in. Which is how we always forget to pull out the non-dryer safe clothing and ruin a lot of things.

Who's better with the computer?
I am. Of course, I go completely apeshit when something goes wrong, because, clearly, it's Xtian's fault.

Who drives when you are together?
He does. It's hard to complain about your partner's driving if YOU do the driving. So, I prefer the comfortable Passenger Side Second-Guessing position.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-16T16:39:00.000-08:00

This weekend was fabulous. Friday afternoon was spent going to various appointments with my brother (needing a ride, and moral support), then we all came over to my house, ate some awesome dinner, and after we put Warren to bed, I accompanied Xtian in taking my brother home. And along the way, Xtian had a glorious idea: let's stop and get a little drink. Hell, the kid's taken care of, it's Friday night, what the hell? Like real grown ups and everything.

We finished out the night with grocery shopping at 11 pm (thank you, 24 hour grocery stores!). The store was filled with lone men feverishly picking up Valentine's Day essentials (strawberries and pancake mix, chocolates and steaks etc). We got home, put groceries away and went to bed.

As a couple, we've never really made a big deal out of Valentine's Day. I'm not one for sentimental expressions, and Xtian prefers to just do nice things for eachother all year, rather than make every romantic expectation hinge on this ONE NIGHT. Too much pressure, and really, can't we just be loving to our partners all the time, instead of being dicks all year, then using one day to make up for it?

So, we parted ways with a Kiss and a wave Saturday morning, and I drove to Santa Rosa to spend the weekend at Sarah's. Awesome. We shopped, we did crossword puzzles and giggled, we went to her students' monthly Variety show (incidentally, Santa Rosa? You have amazing high school students. Just incredible), then off to stuff our faces with sushi and sake.
We climbed into bed at 10:30, completely exhausted. And I was not awoken by a crying, whining baby even once. (A kind of annoying cat a couple of times, but I didn't have to do anything to soothe him, so still a vacation).

Sunday was a harrowing drive through a huge storm, which was fun when driving the vehicular equivalent to a beach ball (lots of surface area, but with little actual weight behind it). But I got home safely, and spent the day being charmed by a sweet little baby. Who of course, is back to waking up a few times a night needing comfort. Damn you Sleep Regressions! Just when you think you've got this parenting thing down, the entire game changes.

But a wholly satisfying weekend, nonetheless. Huzzah!

Plans!

2009-02-12T16:17:00.000-08:00

This weekend I will be off on a romantic get away with... Sarah. Really it's our girls' weekend we've been trying to get together since... August? Shit. But it's finally happening. Hope Xtian doesn't mind me spending Valentine's day with a girlfriend. I guess as long as I don't mind him spending it with hookers. Oh wait, probably he won't be. You know, since he's watching the kid, and everything.

I'm going to go make butternut and chorizo soup. Then eat a cupcake. Hurray!

Tired Mama

2009-02-10T16:51:00.000-08:00

Having a kid is all about highs and lows. Low point: Monday morning, 1 am. Warren has been awake screaming bloody murder for the last 4 hours. Both parents are ready to leave him outside for good.

High Point: Cory woke up Monday morning (at a normal, decent hour) to find Warren had gotten himself up, done a few walk-throughs of the house, then settled down to quietly read a book outside Cory's bedroom, waiting politely for Cory to get up. If only he could make a couple of eggs and coffee, we wouldn't really be necessary any more.

Low point: Sleeping like complete shit because your kid keeps kicking you in the face and just can't settle down to SLEEP.

High Point: The kid wakes up so damn happy and smiley, and giving you hugs that you melt and can't be angry at him.

Babies know when you are ready to sell them on E-Bay. That's usually when they pull something out of the cute arsenal. Warren had to learn a new trick recently to keep from being thrown in the trash.
He's started doing a weird little shuffle, sidestepping thing that almost looks like the electric slide. We're now calling him Warren 2.0: all the charm of original Warren, but with added mobility.

Happy Weekend Sighs.

2009-02-07T17:15:00.000-08:00

After an iffy start to the weekend, today has been just glorious. Did a little housework, ran a couple of errands, lots of time to bake and hang out with friends and family. Just really good. We've had a lot of hectic weekends around here for a while, so having a day to just lazily get a few things done has been exactly what I needed.

Warren is being particularly charming these days. He's starting to understand what you are saying to him, which is so strange. He can even act out his favorite part of his favorite book on cue. It's pretty awesome. This is when I start thinking, damn, I have GOT to have a dozen of these! But then he'll have a horrible night of sleep or something, and I'll think to myself "I can totally put off having more for a while..."
I love decision making!

I like presents

2009-02-05T15:21:00.000-08:00

This year, for my birthday, Xtian got me a box of Godiva Truffles, a t shirt emblazoned with an inside joke, and researched a tattoo artist for me to get my back done the way I've wanted to for years. Because nothing says "Happy 27th Birthday from your husband" like the promise to drop a few hundred dollars on body art. Thanks Baby!

And aside from having to work, and still having responsibilities at home, it was an excellent day.
And the theme of this week is "Meetings that really need to happen being canceled and postponed." Just minor inconveniences, but a lot of them this week.

I'm home for a couple of hours trying to get some work done, since my work computer is...how to put this politely... challenged. So, now I get to go back to work, find a computer that isn't vaguely handicapped and finish everything. Hurray!

Tuesday listiness.

2009-02-03T17:16:00.000-08:00

Items for discussion:
Today is my birthday. I am 27. Freakin' weird.
Warren believes everything is "duck." The cats are duck, shoes are duck, Homer Simpson is duck. I choose not to correct him, because I think it is hilarious.
Warren is obsessed with high heels, and footballs. We now know that he will be the baddest ass crossdressing football player in all the land.
Xtian makes a mean French Toast feast at 7 am.
Birthdays really lose their magic when you still have to go to work on your birthday, and your mom doesn't bring cupcakes for everyone.
Feel free to discuss. I'll circle back later.
I'm going to go have a birthday cocktail. Huzzah!

They speed time up on weekends, don't they?

2009-02-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

I love the Superbowl. Especially when it ends in a way that I find most satisfactory. Like last year's epic defeat of the Patriots, and this year Kurt Warner proving, yet again, that he can't seal the deal.

Another whiplash weekend, Friday afternoon was spent at a number of medical clinics with my brother trying to find out how to get some immediate, non-emergency medical care for someone lacking insurance, then rushing home, cleaning myself up a little and off to dinner at Tex Wasabi's. Just glorious. Saturday the family came over to celebrate my big sister's 30th birthday. Rather than going out, we decided to do a potluck, wherein the birthday girl got to request a dish from each participant. Fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, cakes, pizza... it was all fabulous.

Today was spent in pajamas, watching football, and the food network. I'd say it was just delightful.

Now, we're back into the weekday swing already. Bummer.

Day One: Complete.

2009-01-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

So the first day of the new family arrangements went off without a hitch. So far it all worked out pretty well. We need to adjust the evening routine a little so Warren gets more snuggle time with Xtian, but mostly that's because the kid is wrecked and ready for bed by 7 pm.

I hope this works out for everyone, as it's pretty great for me. Not having to deal with out of the house daycare is great, and I like that Warren and Cory are such good buds. But, I also don't want to push it on Cory if he wants to do something else. I mean, until he finds a job elsewhere this is the way it's going to be. I'll be damned if I'm paying for daycare when there's a perfectly capable person at home, but you know, he may not want to do this forever.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. You just never know.....

Hoooooray!

2009-01-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

Xtian got the job! Hurray! He starts tomorrow! I just know it was due to all the positive vibes out there from my lovies!

So, tomorrow Cory becomes our full time (Man)ny. We'll see how that works out for him, and hopefully we can make this a permanent arrangement.

That's all I have to report, and thank you for everyone's happy thoughts over the last few months.

Happy Birthday Sugar Boo!

2009-01-26T18:40:00.000-08:00

In honor of Xtian's birthday, Warren woke up at midnight, and refused to sleep until after 2 am. Pleasant. At least I didn't have to be at work until 10 am, so I could get a few hours of sleep. Poor Xtian got to be the hero by taking the kid to the couch and sleeping out there with him. Poor guy, slept on the couch on his own birthday. *sigh* ah well. Frankly, I'm not convinced it bothers him, since it means he can watch all the crummy tv he likes, (Destroyed in Seconds! Human Wrecking Ball! Just awful, but he loves them).

And now I must go play beer and ice cream wench for a few more hours. Huzzah birthday season!

(Oh and for those left wondering about how Xtian's interviews went... well, we're still wondering too. I've never had a job call me on time for a job, whether I got it or not. And so we're trying to not think about it. Keeping fingers crossed!)

The Xtian's Birthday Weekend Extravaganza Continues!

2009-01-24T23:36:00.000-08:00

So, I may have mentioned that rather than religion, I believe in Birthdays. I think everyone deserves to have one day a year during which their every desire is met. One day where everything goes their way.

Since Xtian's birthday falls on a Monday, and I have to work, like a sucker, I've declared this entire weekend as Xtian's Birthday Extravaganza. So far, a variety of beer of his choosing, cosmopolitans, as he desired, breakfast of mushroom and rosemary omelet, stuffed shells, Taco Bell, UFC on the teevee and a few other items I will leave out for decency sake.
Tomorrow there will be Steak and cheesy baked mashed potatoes, followed by a gallon of Ben and Jerry's Cinnamon Bun Ice Cream, and maybe some illicit marital time at some point. Huzzah! You see? We all win during birthday time.

Then, in a week, he'll be off for a day of throwing himself down Mt. Shasta, babyfree!

Oh, and he had two promising interviews on Thursday, and we should be hearing soon. While I'll miss my stay-at-home-husband, we really could use some financial stability. So, if everyone could keep some fingers crossed for us, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Ok, It is now nearly midnight and I'm totally wrecked. I'm going to go pass out in bed. Stupid waking up at 6:30 am on a Saturday. What the hell?

Wu Update, for those who care.

2009-01-22T21:18:00.001-08:00

Sorry to be that guy, who has a kid then writes about nothing but the damn thing, but it's what's new.

Warren can officially shake. He shakes your hand. Which means he's as intelligent as a partially trained dog. Awesome.

How children learn to hate their parents

2009-01-21T18:59:00.000-08:00

We officially have a picture of Warren with his finger up his nose. Don't ask me how he figured this out, but over dinner, we all turned to look and he had his index finger firmly up his nose. So, obviously, pictures were required.

And in about 15 years, I'll be able to name my price to keep these pictures under wraps. That's what parenting is, folks. Accumulating artillery in preparation for the ensuing battles.

Channeling Julia Childs, as impersonated by Dan Aykroyd

2009-01-19T19:18:00.000-08:00

So, last night I was slicing up some homemade hamburger buns (I promise, once you make them yourself you will never go back to storebought) while talking on the phone. Do we all see where I'm going here?
So, the sharpest, most serrated knife in the planet cut the shit out of my left thumb. Some skin-glue and about 30 bandages later, sometime around 10 am, it stopped bleeding. In all honesty, I'm pretty sure it needed stitches. But since insurance ran out, and my new gig only gives you insurance after 6 (SIX?) months, no emergency room for mama. What's the worst that can happen? Will I lose use of my thumb? Or will it just heal like shit?

Either way, it's too late now.

So, we've officially entered Birthday Season. A week from today (so, Jan. 26) is Xtian's birthday. I will be sending him snowboarding for his gift. Happy birthday hon, now get the hell out. Cory will be watching Warren so that Xtian can leave midweek for a jaunt up a mountain, and some family and friends will be joining him. My mother's birthday is next Tuesday (1/27), followed by my sister's on Thursday (1/29), my darling Friend Jen's on Sunday(2/1), my aunt's the Monday (2/2) and mine the next Tuesday (2/3). And that's just the beginning. It never ends.

But I think I have present ideas for everyone except my sister. Hmmm. She's always challenging. Just when I think I have the perfect gift, I don't.

Such is life I suppose.

For my birthday, I have decided that I will go to Guy Fieri's restaurant. Sushi plus barbecue plus huge drinks equals mama's having a good time.

Stuff is difficult

2009-01-17T17:34:00.000-08:00

So, marriage continues to be challenging. And rather than talking about things, we're avoiding the issue, and each other. Which makes me feel mean all the time. And I really hate it. I don't like being mean to people, and I don't like that only the meanest feelings come up right now.

And with that elephant in the room, it's hard to think about anything else. Also, hard to have things to write about when all I'm thinking about are marital things, which are unfair to write about. So, I'm phoning it in. Hurray.

Yeah, I'm going there.

2009-01-15T18:33:00.000-08:00

So, since I'm feeling uninspired, I'm going to share with you the recipe the butternut squash risotto I made for dinner tonight. Hells of good.

One medium butternut squash, peeled, de-seeded, chopped into 1/2 inch cubes. Toss with 3 tablespoons of olive oil, salt and pepper. Spread on a lined baking sheet, and roast at 375 degrees for about 40 minutes (my oven sucks, so yours might go faster. Looking for soft inside, carmelly brown outside).

While the butternut is roasting, pour 4-6 cups of chicken stock into a pot, and keep over low heat. No simmering or boiling, just keeping it warm.

Take your widest shallow pan, throw it over medium heat, toss in 3 tablespoons olive oil, and 3 tablespoons of butter. While that heats up, finely dice a big yellow onion. Once the oil is hot and butter is melted, throw the onions in the pan and stir to coat in the fat. Sprinkle a little salt and pepper.

After a few minutes, the onions should be nice and soft but not brown. Pour in 2 cups or so (I never measure. I suck) of arborio rice, or hulled barley if you're keen. Stir to coat in the fat, until the rice is kind of see-through. Pour in 1/4-1/2 cup white wine (or if you don't have white wine, do what I did, pour in vodka). Stir it all around until the liquid evaporates.

Ladle in some chicken stock. Just enough so that the rice is mostly submerged. Stir vigorously periodically, until the liquid has mostly evaporated (when you pull your spoon across the bottom, the trail should stay open). Keep doing that same move until you have about 2-3 ladles worth of chicken stock left. Sprinkle in a little nutmeg if you feel the yen.

About this time, your butternut squash should be looking like pure heaven. Take it out of the oven, throw it into your rice and stir roughly. You're looking to break down some of the squash cubes, but not dissolve them all the way.

When the rice is ready for more liquid, toss in the last of the stock, and stir roughly until it's evaporated. Then add a tablespoon of butter, salt, pepper and 1/2 cup of parmigiano cheese. Stir it, man. Should be really thick and really creamy looking. Taste it. Rice done? Taste yummy? All good. Serve it up.

If your rice is still crunchy at all, just stir in some more stock or water until it's perfectly cooked for your liking.

This my friends, is delicious. And now it is yours to impress the shit out of your dinner guests with. If you want to be really fancy, you can sprinkle some chopped sage or parsley over it. I didn't have either, so I just served as is. Also, my boys so don't care about "pretty food." They just want to shovel it in.

Enjoy.

Babies, can't live with them...

2009-01-14T20:51:00.000-08:00

I think Warren is starting to wean himself. And while part of me is so glad to get to have my body all to myself again, I'm also feeling like he's a little tiny baby, and it's the only thing he and I have that is special, that Xtian can't do. It was the only way I was preferable to Dada, and now he's just too busy for it. Does everyone feel that way? Or is it especially hard because I'm not his primary care giver? Do stay at home moms get as upset? Or is it just one more thing that I'm making myself crazy over? Because, clearly, if I don't have five sources of freak out every moment of my life, I die. I just fall down and die.

We're officially on a nursing schedule of first thing in the morning (though, I usually have to wake him for it before I leave, he's not getting up for it), sometimes when I get home in the evening (but that usually lasts about 10 seconds, I think it's mostly for his comfort and a way to reconnect at the end of a long separation), and sometimes he nurses for a minute before bed. I think he likes the idea of nursing, since he will pull on my shirt and say "na- na" often, but then wanders off once he nurses for a second.

Are you hearing this internet? I'm a creepy mother of sons. This? This right here? Is how women who only have male children become those creepy overbearing, overly-clingy women who chase their sons all over the country, begging them to call! I can't have it. I will accept this latest rejection stoically, like the millions of women who have gone before me.

Does this mean I can start drinking more than my one drink per evening? Bring on the rum!

It's a Captain Kind of night.

2009-01-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

Damn it, I'm wrecked. I'm feeling totally run down and drained. I'm good all day, then the second I get home, it's all I can do to sit upright. Clearly, more rum is the answer.

Yeah, I'm way lame these days. But, I challenged myself to write everyday, even if it's complete garbage, so yeah. Never let it be said I backed down from a challenge. That I imposed on myself for no particular reason. hmmm.

Blue Skies Smiling at Me!

2009-01-12T20:54:00.000-08:00

Hello 76 degree weather in January. You are the reason I live in California. Sure there are those who say "I like having four distinct seasons! It's not really Christmas without snow!" And to them I say... HA! Keep living in your state of denial. I will live in the state of Awesome.

Restful weekend: Accomplished!

2009-01-11T20:16:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh. Even with a few minor irritations, this weekend was exactly what I needed. I had one community action meeting on Saturday, but aside from that, no commitments, no chores, no nothing. This morning, Warren woke up at 6:30 am, so I took him out to the living room to play while Xtian had himself a well deserved lie in. Warren and I played for a couple of hours, then he passed out cold on my shoulder. Shortly thereafter, Fiddy climbed onto my other shoulder. So, I watched Food Network since I was pinned to the couch anyway. I haven't had a good quiet napping/cuddle with Warren like that for months. It was just delightful. He never sits still these days, so it's rare I get to just sit and smell his baby goodness.

Man, do I want another one. But, we'll need to hold off for a while yet. Got to get some jobs and finances back on track (surprisingly, not that off-track so far *knock wood*) and my health insurance has to kick in before I can start thinking about that.

But, I just took a steaming hot bath and am ready to climb into bed at 8:30 on a Sunday night. Everything is all ready for me tomorrow, and it's time for another whiplash week!

Hope everyone else's weekend was exactly what they needed it to be.

It just keeps getting better and better

2009-01-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

So, today I received my security deposit itemization from our old place in Oakland. You notice, I did not write "deposit refund." Yeah, that's because my landlord is claiming we would owe them $45 due to "damages". Umm. Nope. So, I just had to fire off an "Oh No. You did not!" letter. Which sucks because we always had such a cool relationship with them. And they charged us $560 for "cleaning and mold abatement", which is bullshit since I cleaned the place to a rosy shine before we left, and as renter's lawsuits keep showing, renters aren't responsible for mold, unless they cause it. And since they can't show how we caused the mold (it was mentioned that the place had a propensity for mold when we moved in) I do believe that's not our problem. So, I hope this won't be causing a problem. I do so like them both. But damn! I owe THEM $45? Bullshit, says I.

Oh my god, just SLEEP!

2009-01-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

So, for fun tonight, I decided to put Warren to bed and then listen to him scream for a while. Warren has no set schedule and it shows. The kid almost never cries, except for bed time. Of course this could be because he sometimes naps until 6 pm. Of course, I have a hard time criticizing, since I'm not with him all day, but it's slowly making me want to pull my hair out.

JUST GO TO SLEEP! I would kill to have a full 12 hours of sleep available, neigh, mandatory to me every night. Instead, he screams. And we listen.

Since I'm always raving about how much fun he is, I figure it's only fair to mention that he is officially gagging on his own cries as I type. It's not all goofy faces and snuggles. But then, I'm pretty sure we all knew that.

How to snitch

2009-01-07T16:27:00.000-08:00

So, I think I mentioned that I've been trying desperately to deal with my insurance situation. I know, there is nothing more boring than insurance, especially someone ELSE'S insurance. But whatever.

So, all insurance in Oakland is super expensive. That's just another perk of living in a crime-ridden city. So, once we moved, I was all too happy to get my information updated with my insurance dude. We'll call him Romy. Because that is his name. Anyhow, Romy is mostly unreachable in the best circumstances. Which hasn't mattered much to me, as I've not needed his services. Except, I knew my rates would go WAY down after moving, so I was a little anxious to stop spending $330 a month on two auto policies and a tiny little renter's policy. But, after a few weeks, still nothing back from the guy. So, I kept calling and emailing and never hearing back.

Then I ran into the nicest lady at a Rainbow Chamber meeting. And by golly, she sells insurance. I told him my story and how much we're paying and bada bing, we now have better coverage for $120 less per month. Hurray!
So, I just got off the phone after calling my agent to cancel. (Funny, he didn't answer his phone. I feel shocked). Since I fear I'll never hear from him (as has been the norm around here) I did a little digging, and I ratted his ass out to the company and his boss explicitly. I know, it's petty and mean. But it's been two months since I spoke to him, all the time continuing to overpay my insurance by $120 per month. Way I see it, this asshole owes me $240. Sound about right? I know I'll never get it back, but a little Tattle-Tale phone calling really makes it easier to swallow.

And that is my life. Huzzah.

Yeah, I have no idea.

2009-01-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

Warren is completely smitten with the cats. He loves everything they do. And they're being pretty patient with him. When they are done with his affection, they usually just run away. The worst I've seen since the Scratching Incident of 2008, is a no claws swat on the arm. Which freaks Warren out and hurts his feelings, but doesn't leave a bloody trail, so we let it slide.

When Jen was in town this weekend we spent a few hours wandering around MidTown Sacramento. *sigh* That is the neighborhood in which I belong. Not this culturally dead garbage pail of a suburb. There's nothing inherently wrong with suburbs, to be sure. But this one is horrible. The people are ignorant and really socially conservative, the only restaurants around here are of the drivethru and corporate whore variety, and walking anywhere? Not likely. Everything is 10 meandering miles away, on surface streets. With a stoplight at every corner, so walking would almost be faster if it weren't for the ridiculous distance.

But wandering around the area where I want to be was so nice. There were, perish the thought, locally owned stores! Markets and coffeeshops without the title "Safeway" and "Starbucks". I mean those were available as well, but not the only options! In a 8 block radius were at least 5 local restaurants, a handful of local bars and clubs and a bunch of fun weird shops to play in. October, baby. October.

Warren has begun scowling. He pokes out his lips, and furrows his brow and snorts through his nose. I should be concerned that my 1 year old child has enough attitude to scowl, but it's just too funny. So, he makes the face when we aren't letting him do what he wants, but the face is so funny we just collapse in laughter. I don't think that's quite the parenting message we want to be sending, but whatevs.

And thus concludes this edition of "Coley's Asinine Existence!"

Useless update number...?

2009-01-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

You know what sucks about writing? The less you write, the less you feel you have to write about. So, in an effort to get back into writing for fun, I'm going to make a concerted effort to write every day, even if it's total garbage. And you get the "benefit," fun.

I'm officially obsessed with Kanye West's new album and have been listening to it on a loop since Christmas. I know, it's very 80's, but the man can make a compelling song.

See, now today at work, I felt like I was a total kickass go-getter. I think I'm just adjusting to an achievement based workplace after my last gig which was more of a "we don't care what you do, just fill that chair 8 hours a day!" kind of thing. So, today was good, and I hope this will continue. I got a little break from evening work commitments over the holidays, but they'll be back in full swing next week. Which is good, since I'll be doing some interesting things and working with some really neat people in the Sacramento business community. Which can only help my career overall.

I've been dicking around with our finances and I think I finally have us to the place where if I can get my insurance agent to call me back and do what he says he's going to do(I called that douche the week after we moved to get my information updated since Oakland is the second most expensive place for insurance and my rates are going to go WAY down. But after several phonecalls and emails, still no updated paperwork. Way to earn that commission, asshole!), we'll be able to exist solely on my income without incurring any more debt. We won't be getting ahead, certainly, but at least I can take the pressure off Xtian. Poor guy. So much of his identity is wrapped up in working hard, and when we're struggling, it really makes him feel horrible. And I don't want him forced into a terrible job. I want him to be able to relax a little and find something he'll enjoy and will work for our family. But if we're panicked over money, he'll have to take the first thing offered.

Anyhow, that's my boring ass life now. Fun, eh?

Murphin'

2009-01-04T17:38:00.000-08:00

Jen came up to visit this weekend, and it was just delightful. We sipped some rum, ate some food and made some sorbet. We're both food-lovin' ladies, who read cookbooks like they're novels and watch food network like it's porn. So, obviously a meal of stuffed shells with marinara and a bechemel were totally in order. For Xmas I got her David Lebovitz's ice cream recipe book. The darling brought it with her so we could drool, and I decided that every time I buy a food book for anyone else, I need to buy a copy for myself. But, that's called "Selfish."

Now that the holidays are over, I can relax a bit and hopefully have a few weekends of couch surfing to get back into my zone. Of course, in our family, the break doesn't last for long as the birthdays have already started. Everyone in my immediate family (except for Cory and my SIL Kate) have birthdays within a 3 month period. 8 birthdays in 3 months, with 4 of them occurring in one week. It's always totally hectic, but we end up with a whole lot of Aquarians in the same family, which is fun.

Warren continues to be a scheming machine, which is hilarious right now. It's very strange to me that he's a sentient human being who has ideas and thoughts. For the longest time, they're just a series of bodily functions and reactions. Then suddenly, he'll just stop what he's doing and walk into another room because he wanted to. Kind of magical on a really small scale. It's weird to think that soon he'll be having fully thought out reasons for doing things that he can verbalize. He'll be able to have conversations and motivations beyond "hungry". I keep exclaiming "It's like he's a person!" Which sounds stupid, but really when they go from lumps of baby, to fully actualized human, it can be pretty astounding.

Gah! Holidays!

2008-12-30T20:25:00.000-08:00

No, really everything was just delightful over the holidays. Low key affairs all around. Warren's 1st birthday was just wonderful with tons of good people, good food, and way too many gifts for the kiddo. So many gifts, I had to hide more than half of them for later use. I didn't even bother bringing out the couple of things I'd bought for him. Now, we have a huge stash of toys to bring out and cycle around when he gets bored of the current ones. It's really fun seeing everyone I love falling for my kid. He's really pretty special. I know, everyone says that, but man this kid just knocks me out every day.

He's a total walking machine, and is quickly figuring out climbing. Woof. Warren's sleep is getting better. He's now used to our system, if he wakes up before 5 am, Xtian takes him to the living room to snuggle and catch a few more hours of sleep. If it's after 5 am, I'll take him to bed with us and nurse him. Then I get up around 6 and sneak out of the house without waking any of my boys.

This morning was a day where Warren woke up after 5, so I nursed him then dozed until my alarm went off, then got myself ready and left for work. Xtian woke just after I'd left, quietly got up and got himself together for the day, leaving Warren asleep in our bed. While Xtian was making breakfast, he glanced over to the living room to see Warren wander in. He had apparently awoken, scootched out of bed (he's learned the lay on your belly, and backpedal until your feet hit the floor move all by himself), and came looking for breakfast without a word. Like, "hey, is there coffee?" Funny little person he is.

He finally recognizes my family and will willingly run to them when he sees them. This is a huge step forward for him, and he's grown particularly fond of my dad these days. A wonderful turnaround from a few months ago when he would scream every time he saw my dad. But now, he's Grandpa's boy and it's pretty precious.

The guys are still struggling to find work, but we're doing ok. If we can just cut our expenses a little more, we'll actually be able to survive on my income alone. Not well, and not really making progress, but we'll make it. And with Xmas over, we have a few weeks off until the next family birthdays (4 of them in one week. Fantastic planning.)

Work is up and down for me. Some days I feel like I'm doing well and can be successful, other days I feel like I'm going to fall flat on my face and that this is the worst mistake I've ever made. But more good than bad. I just hate not knowing, and feeling unsure of how I'm being judged. Stressful.

We're planning a quiet New Year's Eve, with a bottle of champagne and lots of sleep for Mama. I've been sick for the last few days and am dying for an extended nap. We'll see.

Hope everyone is doing splendidly. Hey 2009 has got to be better than 2008, eh?

Survey Says...

2008-12-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

Have we all just figured out that I suck at updating? Clearly.

Life continues on, I'm still mostly enjoying my work, I've met a few new people that are just wonderful, still nothing doing for the boys' job hunting. Warren continues to be the cutest kid ever.

Turns out marriage is hard. And I've got a good one. So, I can't even imagine how it must be for some. But, same fight we've been having for the last year and a half, and no resolution because there isn't really a way to make it work for both of us. Sucks, but what can you do? Can't kill him, and ...uh yeah. Also sucks, because there aren't really people I can complain to about it, who really want to know and wouldn't be completely unfair to Xtian. So, whatever. Awkward.

Warren turns 1 year old on Saturday. I can't believe it. It's been a really good, really hard year. And funny enough, having a kid wasn't one of the biggest stresses. Just added another layer to the problems we did have.

But, the shindig is planned, the cupcakes will be baked tomorrow (I felt guilty about not making the food for the party so instead I'll be baking 4000 cupcakes, two tons of home made frosting and one sugarless banana cake for the birthday kid) then everyone descends on Saturday morning. Huzzah!

I'm wrecked. Long week and not much rest for the wicked. If you're close enough to attend, I'll be seeing you on Saturday. Everyone else I miss you! I miss reading about everyone's shenanigans on the internet. *Sigh* These are the sacrifices you make, I suppose.

Well, that's one thing taken care of.

2008-12-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

After a panicked email message to HR (the subject line was, no joke, "ACK!!!!") I think my little payroll issue should be taken care of. And better yet, since I have all the errors in writing, they'll be refunding my over-donated funds on my next paycheck. Not so helpful now, but at least the paycheck right before Xmas will be nice. It's not like donating $500 to PP is a bad thing, but like all at once is a bit much for someone with my limited budget. Hahah.

So, yeah. That's a good thing. This right here is why it's useful to be friendly with the folks in HR. Meanwhile, I officially have life insurance. That's right folks, I'm worth significantly more dead than I am alive. So, let's all stop for a moment and thank the lord jebus that my policy is negated should the person who collects (Xtian) actually murder me. Sometimes I think that's the only thing keeping him from choking me in the night. Mostly because I'm completely insufferable sometimes.

Ok, not really the ONLY thing, but just kind of weird and morbid shit going round in my brain these days. That and weird dreams about Xtian's mother finding us.
We never told her we moved. She stalked Cory on Myspace and found out HE had moved, but didn't know anything about the rest of us. Xtian's just been avoiding calls, and that's just fine with me. But then I have nightmares where she just shows up! And stays a while, and Xtian won't tell her to leave so I have to do it. But she's crazy so it doesn't work. These are the fears that haunt my nights. I guess I'm doing just fine if that's the only creeping me out in the wee hours.

Warren continues to be the cutest baby in the world. It's not just how damned pretty he is, (though he is pretty danged beautiful) it's the huge smiles, the gleeful giggles and his devious nature. He's so clever and finds ways to get what he wants. Like, say, the remote control. He LOVES remotes, really anything with buttons. He has a few remote-type things that are his to play with, but he still wants MAMA's remote. So, I usually have to take it away from him, then put it on the back of the couch where he can't reach it. He doesn't throw fits. He just wanders off until you've kind of forgotten about it. A few minutes later he'll come walking up to you, put his head in your lap and hug your legs, like he's sad and needs a cuddle. So, you pick him up and he snuggles for a second, before reaching behind you to get his remote. SNEAKY! But also, really smart and good problem solving skills.
When my key hits the lock as I'm coming home from work, he shrieks with delight and comes walking, like a drunken midget, up to the door to greet me. Makes me want to have about 17 children, if they all turn out as good and cute and sweet as he is.

Ok, I'm done gushing about my kid. Now I'm going to actually go play with him.

Long time, no write.

2008-12-05T23:08:00.000-08:00

So, I suck and never write anymore. Three night meetings a week is definitely taking their toll. And even when I have the time, I'm having way too much fun with Warren to stop and write.
Have I mentioned that he's a walking guy now? He went from not really crawling at 10 months, to being an expert walker at 11 months. He's amazing.

In just two weeks he'll be one year old. So, clearly the big party is planned. I really hope to get some pictures of it on here faster than I've been doing things lately. My dad is working on getting the Warren Walking videos online for us, but he's even slower than I am.

Still no jobs for the boys and it's getting a little tight, especially when my work keeps screwing up my paychecks. We have the option of donating money to some specific non-profits through a simple payroll deduction. I opted to donate $26.00 every paycheck to Planned Parenthood. So, the first check shows up and I notice that instead, $260.00 is being deducted. Fuck. So, that money was gone, I immediately notified payroll in person and in writing that this was a mistake. I was assured it was dealt with. But then, sure enough the next paycheck did the SAME GODDAMN THING! So, I'm now out $500, with no way to fix it. Pretty sure it's in bad taste to ask for your money back from a charity donation.

But otherwise it's all good. Huzzah.

Why I'm a crummy mom

2008-11-24T19:33:00.000-08:00

I was just sitting here, trying to catch up with a few things on the computer, with Warren crawling all over the place, turning the printer on, then off then on again. And to keep him distracted from chewing on power cords, I took my cell phone which he loves, and threw it across the room, encouraging him to "go get it." This scenario repeated about five times.

That's right, I'm playing fetch with my 11 month old son so I can read blogs. That's quality parenting right there.